One.

one.

I tried to get on board with the one little word rage years ago, but honestly, I am just too verbose to make that happen. ;) So I have tended to choose phrases for my years instead. I don't do "resolutions", but I do make lists of focuses each year. Last January, I was in survival mode and didn't really choose a word at all, just kept hanging onto certain Bible verses the Lord gave me as if my life depended on them (and honestly, it did). At the end of 2017, I realized my word for that year had been "hold". And hold, we had and we did.

This year, I saw a post on a page I follow where people were sharing their word and, although I already felt like I had a clear idea of my focus goals for 2018, I had no clue what word I could have. As the days between Christmas and New Year's passed, I felt this word start to crystallize in my spirit: one. And by New Year's Day, I had a pretty good understanding of what that word is supposed to represent and mean to me in my 2018 life.

First of all and most importantly, it represents the One Who gives me life and purpose. I already mentioned that in 2017, I lived hanging onto His word like a lifeline. And that was important and good. But in 2018, I want to live hanging onto His word because I want to, not out of a sense of desperation. I want to live with Him as my first thought in the mornings and my last thought in the evenings and my sweet conversation in the between hours. I want to be more intentional about my daily devotionals, our family devotionals, and encouraging my kids to make Him the center of it all. I want to give Him my every concern and worry, taking on the "easy rhythms of His grace".

Secondly, there are some specific areas I want to stop talking about "one day" and instead treat as "day one". One of those is my writing. I am going to write regularly this year, but more importantly than that, I am using this year to collect the writing I have already done. I am copying my Facebook posts every day from my "On this Day" app and am going to collect my Instagram posts as well. At the end of 2018, I should have a good feel for what I already have as far as content and should be ready to choose the focus of what I want my first book to be. I am not going to reach the end of my life and look back at the dreams I had and wonder where I lost them along the way. I am 40 right now, and it's time to accomplish one of them.

I tend to get wrapped up in fears and anxieties and stress and thought patterns (and googling and following rabbit trails and basically just creating things to worry about). I think part of my one is to remind me this next year of what I am really good at reminding my students of, but stink at following myself.... one thing at a time. one day at a time. one task at a time. one issue at a time. one bite-size chunk of life at a time. That's all I can handle and it's all I need to handle.

I also want to be better about maximizing my time and attention in regard to the people in my life. In 2018, I intend to be more purposeful about visiting my grandparents. I want to make the most of time with my parents and for my kids to see both sets of grandparents more frequently. I feel like we have lost some social connections over the past couple of years and I want to make sure to make those a priority again. I am creating time and space for my husband and me to have dates, and we are continuing our alone times with each of our children. In regard to these areas, I want to treat the one I am with, at any given moment, as if they are the most important one on earth to me. Because they are.

In a similar vein, I mentioned at the end of 2017 that I worried I hadn't connected as well to my students this year (although I feel more connected to my colleagues, in some sort of paradox). I am continuing some things and starting some new ones to make a connection to my students, things like writing a card to one student in each class every week. I won't get to all of them, but at the end of the semester I write a card to each student anyway and so I want to use these cards to reach out to either kids who seem to really need a connection or to one who is going through a tough time.

Sometimes I get so bogged down in everything I want to do for this world around me that I become almost paralyzed with the overwhelming feeling of never being enough. This year, I want to remember the phrase that I think was attributed to Mother Theresa, "Do for one what you wish you could do for millions." I want to hone in once again on the ministries that are dearest to my heart and pour myself out to those instead of feeling like I need to do a little dabble in everything.

Finally, and the fact that I put this last makes it obvious where it falls in my own mind as far as importance, although I know it probably needs to be close to the top to make the rest of it work.... I have to make this one.... ME.... a priority. I have to carve out space for myself to recharge, to be cared for, to have fun, and I have to make my health a focus. I want to continue my better sleep and water intake of 2016-2017 and add better eating and activity habits to that. I want to make sure that I am doing the things needed for my own emotional and physical and mental wellbeing.

So that's my 2018 focus word and the ways it's going to play out. One. One year to finish stronger than I started it. Let's do this.

The Instant Pot of Life

This afternoon, I opened the cabinet door and slid the plastic lid into its rightful place in the cardboard holder. As I pushed a little bit to get it past the glass bowls, I could hear the echoes of my own voice in my head and I flushed a little, even though no one was in the kitchen with me and even if they were, they couldn't hear the failure replaying in my head.

It was that frantic last week of school before Christmas break and the pressure had built like it does in that new cooking rage, the Instant Pot. I was worried about grades for 4, a presentation for 1, a volleyball tryout for 1, and the end of the semester for myself. I finally blew up over the fact that the dishes person had not put the glass bowls and lids back the way they should have been and I had to rearrange that cabinet. Glass bowls and plastic lids. A 1x2 foot cabinet. Those things were big enough to me that day to lose my mind on a kid who didn't deserve it at all. And lose it, I did. I yelled and fumed and said hurtful things. I belittled and shamed. Then I sighed and huffed, acting like the rearrangement of that cabinet was equal to dismantling an entire living structure myself and rebuilding it. Then, just to make sure my point was made, I pouted for a good while afterward.

And in so doing, I tore pieces in a foundation that I had been carefully laying with that kid and all of my family. 

Why? Why did those stupid lids and bowls, that cabinet that is overfull anyway, why did they matter so much right then? Why didn't I just fix it and move on?

Today when things were out of place, I just moved them back. Today when we were having our family cleaning day and four people half did a job, I just calmly called them back down and had them redo it. And when I opened that cabinet and relived those moments from three weeks ago, I couldn't figure out why the things that were a giant deal then were just a simple thing today.

So I sat for a while this afternoon and I thought about all of it. Because when it matters, and this does, you have to find a way to do better. You have to identify the problem and figure out a way to work through it. Because you work too hard to build something that matters, something of lasting material,  to just tear it down in a moment over plastic and glass.

It's the pressure. It's the stress. It's the fast living. And it's compounded by 7 in this house. This break has been just exactly like summer was for me and for us.... just glorious. We enjoyed each other and we treasured our time. Every day that has ticked by this past week has made the anxiety increase for me because I know we are headed back into the Instant Pot of Life.

So what's the answer? We can't exactly quit our jobs and school and become hermits. We can't withdraw from our activities. We can't avoid the stress and pressure of grades and jobs and so on. What can we do?

Well, we can carve out as much time as possible for mini-breaks. We can keep our weekends as open as we can so that our Saturdays become a time of respite and to catch up on our neglected rest and relationships and chores. We can make Sabbath space for us. We can stay on top of certain things so that they stay manageable, rather than morphing into giant tasks. We can remember to breathe. We can keep the main things, the main things. And we I can refuse to allow ourselves myself to blow up over plastic bowls and lids stupid petty things that don't matter a bit in the grand scheme of things.

Small Town Mary

As I am packing away the Christmas decorations, I found myself lingering over this little Nativity set. I remember when we watched "The Nativity Story" this year, and as with every year, a new aspect of the movie and the story spoke to me. This year, I honed in on Mary, mostly, and Joseph too, and the fact that though it is not detailed much in the Bible, their humanity.

Mary seemed to take the Angel at his word, and pretty easily. However, the part the Bible leaves out that the creative version of the movie portrays most painfully is the reaction of the townspeople to her perceived disgrace. The looks, the whispers, the disgust..... And once the angel had appeared to Joseph as well, she did have someone with whom to share the weight of the Promise, but it didn't clear up the misperceptions. I have thought of this part before and felt sympathy for Mary and Joseph.

At this viewing, however, another thought struck me: I have always sort of thought of them as having nine months or so of embarrassment and righteous indignation, then the rest of their lives being a kind of supernatural "told you so". See, if there is one thing about me that I love, it's a chance to be proven right. I don't necessarily mind being wrong and I am always happy to apologize if I'm wrong, but nothing makes me any crazier than being falsely accused or being right and others not realizing or acknowledging it. As we watched the movie this year, it hit me that Mary and Joseph had no sort of proclamation to those in Galilee that they had birthed the Son of God. An angel didn't accompany them back from Egypt, pointing at each person who had whispered about them, saying, "Told you, told you, told you..." Instead, they returned with their Son, this Son of God and Son of Man, and lived in the same sort of small town that I live in, a town where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows the past. Jesus grew up in this small town and no doubt the rumors followed Him and Mary and Joseph. It wasn't until many, many years later that His deity was realized, and even then not by everyone, partly by denial and partly by lack of proximity. Mary didn't have the option to Instagram story His turning water into wine at the wedding. No one was able to Facebook live the healings. Instead, Mary lived the remainder of her life as the Mother of God to those who knew and the Human Who Blew It to those who didn't.

It's yet another reminder of the humility that Mary possessed. The humility that we, that *I*, are so often lacking. And another reminder of the fact that God's ways are not man's, and He doesn't always choose to reveal His truths to clear our names, as much as we would like for Him to. Because ultimately, it's not about our comfort but rather about our obedience.