Later last night, something else happened and I stayed awake almost all night, just dozing between imagining dark and terrible scenarios that could exist based on the incident. I second guessed my words to the kid in question, worried about what the light of day would bring. That's when I knew that things still aren't "normal". Even a year in, there are just so many things we still don't know about these people we love so much but who are still in some ways strangers. I know Emma and Kelsey like the back of my hand. They may make mistakes and let us down and need correction (sometimes in HUGE ways), but I know exactly what works with them and how they will respond, even in discipline. The other three are still relatively unknown in those ways. And they are unknown at a time when everything matters SO MUCH because they are so old and our time together is so limited.
I remember when my kids were tiny, I honestly felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It felt like everything I did, every word I said, every action I took, every discipline used, every meaningful moment, everything, was setting the tone for the rest of their lives. I just knew that our early years together were going to shape the relationships we had together from that point until my death. I remember their first years, not as carefree years, but as years of anxiety and stress and second-guessing. I remember mostly feeling on edge and worried.
And here's the honest truth.... I'm not sure that I was wrong. As exhausting as it was, I do think that the two amazing teens who live in this house exist as they are at least partly because we parented them when they were little like everything mattered so much.
I'm back in that place today. I have been since Emma's 8th grade year, which is what I mark as the defining moment for me of entering the parenting of teens and all that brings with it. Then, the following summer, we added three more teens to the mix, teens we didn't know and hadn't had time to build a relationship with. And I'm right back, with all five, where I lived when Emma and Kelsey were tiny. Again, I feel like these years are setting the tone for the future. I feel like their actions and our reactions to those actions are defining the adults they are going to be. And I find it just as terrifying, nay, MORE SO, than the first years. Because now the stakes are so much higher. And now the time is so short. And now the exhaustion is so much greater.
I don't have a neat and tidy bow to put on this post. In fact, this isn't the post I set out to write. I was going to write a reflection on our first year together, which I will do, but my heart is here today and so this is what came out. I can't offer much encouragement to young moms other than "you will make it" because I remember too well how you're feeling and how stressful it is. I can't offer much hope to moms of teens because, honestly, the jury is still out on whether we will come out unscathed. To the "moms in the middle".... CHERISH THIS TIME. Rest, enjoy, learn, and love, because the next season of challenge is on its way.
(And I don't want anyone to think I didn't also enjoy the early years or that I don't also enjoy these years... I DO. In fact, I love teenagers so much that I choose to spend my entire life with them. And my kids as teens are fun and funny and smart and active and I love to hang with them and cheer them on. But I also feel the pressure of parenting them, and I don't think I'm wrong for that.)
No matter the pressure, no matter the outcome, I know that I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing it with my best friend beside me and my God within me and that's going to have to be enough for now.