Friday before last, I sent a text to one of my kids, asking if he wanted to go see “Dolittle” with me that Saturday. Even though I desperately want to see the movie and I love spending time with him, as I sent it, I winced a little inside. I knew my Saturday morning would be hectic and the last thing I would want to do on Saturday afternoon was get out in the cold (which turned out to also be snow) and go see a movie. What I would REALLY want to do would be snuggle up on the couch under a blanket and read, maybe even snag a nap in my bed. However, we have been slipping lately on making intentional one-on-one time with our kids and I’m determined to do better. And “doing better”, as it turns out, starts with one kid and one plan. So I made one. The kid’s response could actually have gone any way (he’s one of our wild cards), but he responded in the affirmative, so a plan was made.
In the aftermath of the text exchange, it got me thinking about parenting teens. The phrase that kept coming to mind was one that is more frequently used in dating relationships, so it seemed odd, but the more I thought about it, the more it fit. Parenting teens is an exercise in pursuing their hearts.
When my kids were babies, I didn’t have to make it a point to spend time with them. Every feeding, every diaper change, every irritable session necessitated time with me. In addition, have you seen babies??? They are simply adorable and who WOULDN’T want to snuggle those little things and rub those downy little heads?!?! Time together was as natural as breathing.
As they moved into the toddler phase, time together was as much about survival as anything else—theirs and mine. When you have toddlers, letting them out of your sight is just asking for crayon on the walls or an injury or broken household items. Plus, they are hilarious. I would rather spend time with a toddler than maybe any other age person on planet earth.
Then came the kid years, also not a period of time I had to make it a point of spending time with them because they were ALWAYS THERE and they ALWAYS WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING. ;) And they were old enough to express it. So it was “Mom! Mom! Mom! MOMMY!!!” “Mom, watch this!” “Mommy, look at this!” “Mom, will you play this?” “Mommy, can you do this for me?” all of the time always and forever constantly amen.
Finally, tween and teen years come. And things change, a lot. Kids become almost completely independent (except when they can’t operate a CAN OPENER—EMMA) and don’t have to ask for you anymore (other than when money is needed). They develop their own pursuits and have relationships and communications outside of the family. They often prefer to spend time alone (as alone as you can be with a phone or a television). I know that all kids are different and personality factors into this, but it’s also a pretty natural part of tween and teen life to somewhat isolate from the family or at least turn outside the family for more of their interactions. There are a couple of my kids who, if given the choice, would stay in their rooms on their phones or watching tv all day every day (although they are not given that choice because they can’t have phones in their rooms and they don’t have tvs in their rooms). If I get complacent and lazy, I can go an entire day at home when we are off school and never see a couple of my kids.
It takes intention, it takes effort, and it takes energy. And the more kids you have, the more of all of that it takes. We have to pursue their hearts in this time when their hearts are being pursued by so much outside of our families. The world is screaming at them all the time through social media, peers, movies, and music. There are so many lures in this life, so many tracks into their minds and spirits and souls if we don’t help them guard against them. And honestly, the only way to help them guard against them is to spend our time pouring into them. We are the vehicles in the flesh that the Lord uses to pursue them, and if we don’t, you can be certain that the enemy is actively pursuing them as well.
Thinking about all of this feels exhausting to me, which brings me to the next thing I realized on that Friday when I was thinking forward about my Saturday afternoon at the movies… I am at a time in my life where I am the most weary, the most introverted, and the most in need of downtime in my house. And I don’t think I’m an anomaly, I think most people in their 40’s with kids would agree to feeling the same way. So why, at the age when we want more than before to withdraw, are most of us in the parenting phase that requires us to actively pursue more than ever? I decided on Friday that, while all of parenting is an act of unselfishness, this is kind of our final exam phase on unselfishness. It’s the end of the years with kids in our home, our final opportunity to glean the lessons that God wants to teach us during a time when these lessons are so readily available and easily accessible.
I think it also serves as a brilliant reminder of the ways the Lord pursues our hearts, and how hard we make Him work for it at times, when all He has ever wanted to do is love us with the “unforced rhythms of grace” (The Message, Matthew 11:28-30):
28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”