So this is the end of 2020, a year that will live in the memory of every human currently living on this earth until they breathe their last.
It's also a year that will live in the annals of our family memory and history.
This year I turned 43 years old. In 43 years, this was the most difficult. And not just pandemic-related, although that surely didn't make anything any less challenging. But this is an overall look back, so it's a complete story of highs and lows and in-betweens.
Our year started, just a week and a half in, with a son running off. It was not the first time that had happened; it was the second, neither of which being things we have really told many people. However, it's important to the events of the year to clearly delineate the roots and causes, so here we are. Our oldest left home with nothing but the money in his bank account and his phone to "go on an adventure of a lifetime" to a city he had picked off a map in Mississippi. He didn't know anyone there, had no plans, no job, not even his green card, just a crazy whim to "be on his own". Needless to say, this was horrifying, as he had not even driven on an interstate before and he called to let me know he was gone during my work day. Panic ensued, an entire day and evening of fear for our entire family at home. (Well, to be fair, his two biological siblings weren't very concerned. It seems this had happened before, but I would argue that running off in the Philippines and running off in America aren't the same thing.) He finally called to let us know that he "was turning around in some guy's yard in Alabama and they said he could pay them $20 to sleep on their couch, so he was going to stay there". Bigger panic ensued. We FINALLY convinced him to go to a hotel. God created a situation in which his car broke down and had to be towed, then repaired, which eventually led to his deciding to return home, much to our gratefulness.
When he came home, it was time for some hard talks. He told us that he didn't want to return to CSCC for school, which was MORE THAN fine with us. It was totally a trial experiment for him anyway, and we were fine with him not going back. We made a plan together for him to try to get on full time at his current factory and we also realized together that the best thing for everyone in our house was for him to move out (at his request). We then started the process for helping him become independent while we waited and hoped for our rental house to become available, which it did very quickly.
So for us in the Davis household, 2020 crashed long before the world shut down due to a pandemic. January and February were brutal, scary months in which we were terrified every day that he would decide to run again.
On March 12, one day before Covid-19 changed the world, our son turned 21. That was our last meal in a restaurant to this day, other than a couple on our trip west this fall. That day marked the change in everything, including his role in our family, as he began the true transition to move to independence and adult living.
By April, we had moved him into our rental house and he had begun his life as a grown adult. This, while it has not come without its share of difficulties and heartaches, would turn out to be the best decision by far for the collective mental and emotional health of all seven members of this family.
The forced quarantine months of March through May were really a mixed bag for us and for me. I do feel that I grew a lot in favorable ways mentally and emotionally, as I learned to do what had to be done to maintain my sanity and not what my 3 Enneagram self thought had to be done to wring some sort of "success" out of this experience. We had a lot of family movie nights and game nights and special activities like Survivor finale night and Cinco de Mayo and ice cream trips and so on. I also mandated time outdoors every day that weather permitted it for all of us. Vitamin D does wonders for the soul.
I forced the kids to do all of their schoolwork at first, but as our district decided not to take grades, I slowly realized that although it went against every bit of who I am and what I believe in to allow them to stop working, it was necessary for survival and preservation of relationships. I also slowly released my own ideas of what was expected of me as a teacher during this time, and instead turned my attention to preparing for the coming school year and maintaining relationships with my students, even encouraging and pushing some to a passing grade and graduation when I didn't think there had been a prayer for them to get there. Not getting to end the year with one of the greatest senior groups I can remember in a while absolutely gutted me.
My greatest sadness and sense of failure regarding the forced quarantine of March-May and the voluntary quarantine that we have chosen since May is that my kids have missed so much socially, and I fear that my two newest kids have regressed socially in ways that took years to build and will take that many more to recover. I pray that God will redeem those losses and I believe that He will, but it's hard to think about. We also missed so much time with my grandparents, seeing them through a window pane, and my parents, visiting only outside all spring (and summer and fall and winter).
There were so many tough griefs for my teens in those months... no Model UN, no tennis season, no military ball, no prom, no end of the semester, two birthdays significantly altered, no end to freshman, sophomore, and junior years, no social gatherings and friend-building, no ACT or ACT practice, and so on. We learned to grieve them and move on, which provided good practice for the continuation of the pandemic into the summer and this entire fall and winter.
Parenting at this time was so stinking hard. There were meltdowns and breakdowns and revelations that, to be honest, broke our hearts. Some of it would have happened without the pandemic but the trauma of a worldwide pandemic on top of parenting teens, some of whom were making very poor choices, made us want to give up and leave on a few days, if I'm honest. I felt like a total failure and I even questioned if we had truly followed His will for us on several things.
Spiritually, the spring was a period of growth for me. We had drive-in church and there was such a sense that God was using this pandemic to build something. I will never forget the days leading up to Easter when I just KNEW that God was on the move through His church. My own quiet times were stronger than ever, and I felt led at one point to read the book of Psalms, which felt fitting in the current times.
In May, I had a long-needed surgery done on my eyelids, which put me in bed and blind (no glasses or contacts) for close to a week. That was a really favorable end to three really fun months. {sarcasm font} However, summer came, and with it a sense of at least some normalcy (although nothing has been truly normal since early March). We went to the pool, we spent time outdoors, we did a modified version of Bear Paw several times, although wearing masks in the cabin never felt normal. The family Bear Paw trip was changed drastically and, although I am proud of us for making the most of what we had, my heart still hurts for what we lost. We also spent a little time at the lake with the Davis side of the family, although the rain and clouds and cold certainly hindered that trip as well.
So many trips were canceled. I counted the other day and I had 8 trips canceled in 2020, some due to the pandemic and some not, and some were Plan B's and C's to the Plan A's that were canceled. We missed a year of Royal Family Kids' Camp, which doesn't seem real to this day.
Relationships in 2020 were ... strange. In some ways, some of them actually bloomed and were strengthened. We didn't take the people in our lives for granted anymore. We sought out ways, sometimes creative ways, to spend time together. Others fell away due to a lack of physical proximity. We also endured a very divisive season in this country in which people were opposed to each other due to the virus, masks, civil rights, social justice, monuments, and politics. That hasn't improved a whole lot today, we have just added an election and vaccines to the mix.
Our family has made the choice to maintain a pretty strict quarantine, even when it wasn't called for. This meant that our kids were often left out of parties and spend the nights and even eating in restaurants after football games this fall. I'll be honest and say that I am not 100% sure that we made the right choice and I wonder if we gave up too much. It's something that I think may always haunt me. In fact, I told another parent (of a baby) that I think it's the decision fatigue of parenting in 2020 that has been the hardest. With every choice, we were having to weight the potential physical health and safety of our family and others against the emotional and mental health for our kids. Sometimes we chose to let our kids go and do, but in most cases we decided to keep them home.
Emma is a senior this year, a year that has been ravaged by a pandemic. I said at the beginning of the year, and it has proven true, that her class would be one that appreciated and cherished everything they got because they didn't know how long they would have it. They still have lost so much. We have been lighter on Emma's restrictions than the other kids because we know this is the end of the road for her, but she has still had to miss a lot.
Numbers spiked drastically (except not compared to now) in the summer due to some local events and many people suffered the loss of their cherished loved ones.
School started back and with it so many changes... but also so much that created the comfort and safety of routine. It was absolutely terrifying for me to start this school year in person but I am so grateful that we did. Our district has, over and over, exhibited an almost tender care for our students and staff and I will never forget it. This semester was just a GIFT. My classes were incredible and a sense of profound peace prevailed in the midst of everything. We had to deal with contact tracing and MedIso (Angela was sent home as a result of that two times and missed close to 30 days of school total) and having some kids in the room and some at home, but we did it! We made it.
My kids did their sports and cross country season for Angela and Kelsey was incredible. The girls made state for the first time in forever and we were so excited and proud. Emma got her first job outside the home and absolutely loves it and thrives. Not one time has she complained about having to go in to work, she truly leaves excited every time. Angela got in one Raiders competition this fall and Kelsey got in one swim meet. Tennis got tryouts and a week of pre-season. We are trying our very best to get what we can, pandemic and all.
The greatest loss of 2020 was the loss of my grandmother. She passed away in early August after only seeing us through a window pane for five months. That breaks my heart, but I also know that my grandmother would not have HESITATED if given the choice to go home to Jesus or stay where she was. For that, I am happy for her. The passing of a loved one during Covid (though not due to Covid) was also utterly devastating. We had no visitation, just an outdoor funeral, and in order to protect my parents and aunt and uncle, they did not get the opportunity for comfort from their friends and loved ones. They were seated when it was time to start and they were the first to be escorted back to the cars. In addition, my Grandaddy did not receive a single touch or hug during the loss of his wife, even from his son or daughter. He was brought to the funeral by the nursing home, sat apart from the rest of us, and left first. He didn't get to go to his wife's grave. It still shocks me at times to know that she is gone and she went in the way that she did. My grandaddy has had his own battles with health and reason during this time, and recently was hospitalized after having Covid himself (but tested negative at the time of hospitalization). Although I don't want to loss another loved one in these conditions, I do pray that God brings him home sooner rather than later.
The biggest high of 2020 for all of us was our fall break trip. We debated and debated, and I researched and researched, because as I said, we were being careful. We finally decided a trip of all outside activities, carryout food, and flights on planes that were committed to mitigations was a safe bet. I have a whole other blog about that trip here but it was the single greatest of maybe my whole life. It was the biggest joy to go somewhere and see beautiful things and spend so much time together.
The week of my 43rd birthday came, and for the first time since March, our family gathered under a roof. We took precautions, my 7 and my parents wore masks, and we kept lots of physical space between us and my mom and dad and sister and BIL, but we did gather for a birthday dinner for me on the Friday night before my Monday birthday. It felt a little like what the past and hopefully future will feel, and that felt good. The next day, I felt a general sense of malaise as we decorated for Christmas. On Sunday, I felt better and we took a family trip to Atlanta to see drive through Christmas lights, which truly made it feel like the season was upon us. Monday was my birthday, and that day dawned beautiful and mild. I decided to start my next year with a bike ride on the Greenway, so Angela went with me to run. Two different times on my ride, I felt dizzy and had to get off my bike and lay down. I figured I had just been too long since I had exercised. We met my Mom and DQ's patio for lunch, then my family enjoyed a cookie cake that night. The following day, Tuesday, I felt achy like I had some the week before, and I couldn't get warm. That night, I took my temperature and had a fever of 100.7. I knew. I looked at Kraig and said, "I have Covid." It terrified me, both for myself and for worrying about how long I may have been contagious and could I have given it to my parents the Friday before. I went for a test the next day, Wednesday. My family was fully packed for a Thanksgiving trip to West Virginia (which I did not think was the best plan) and Emma and I had planned to stay here for her to work. Once I ran a fever, they canceled the trip and Kraig made Thanksgiving lunch for us at home (me in my bedroom). My results came on Friday-- positive. At that point, the rest of the family was stuck for 24 days. The rest of them got a test on Friday. On Monday, we got their results and Kelsey was positive. She joined me in the sickroom. Kraig worked from home, I sent in sub plans, and the kids did google hangouts. We isolated here for the required number of days (14 for me and Kelsey and 24 for them). Then we rejoined the world, fresh with a brand new immunity for me and Kelsey for 90 days. It wasn't awful, was in fact a little bit cozy. I am glad Kelsey was with me or I would have lost my mind.
The Christmas season, once Covid was over for us, was actually a very pleasant and slow one. Time feels magnified and extended in so many ways, probably due to so much being canceled, and it's a little bit of a gift. We did make the choice to gather with mom and dad and Natalie and Josh on Christmas Eve and morning, both times with all wearing masks and staying in basically two separate rooms with an opening between them. Our Silver family elected not to gather, which was a first in my lifetime and sad, but necessary. The cousins opened gifts virtually. Kraig also made the choice or us to take our trip to West Virginia on Christmas Day, although it wasn't the same either due to his sister's family and one brother's being affected by Covid and so we didn't get to see them during our visit. The cousins opened gifts virtually there too, and we only saw one brother and his wife and son and Nana and Popaw. The time together was filled with games and movies (and books read-- me) and we hope it was an appropriate decision but the jury is still out for a couple of weeks more.
My 2020 word was Redeem, a word that God absolutely handed to me because I never would have picked it. I remember being so confused at the mystery of that word during the last days of 2019. And then, as this incredibly long blog post makes clear, it didn't take long into 2020 to feel like the word "redeem" was a cruel joke. Nothing was being redeemed. In fact, things had been good and they were breaking, being destroyed, crashing into pieces all around us. My word should have been Devastation because that's what it felt like. Then the pandemic hit and Redeem felt even more ridiculous. So not only are things in our household falling apart, the entire world is breaking down! I still couldn't figure it out. For 8 long months. Then one day in August, I was sitting on my bed and God spoke to me as clearly as if it had been an audible voice. He said, "Your word for this year is not a reflection of the current reality of this year. It's a future promise that I will redeem the events of 2020."
Wow. I just sat in awe. OK. I can hold onto that. I believe in that. Then in October or November, my pastor gave the most specific prophetic word at the end of a sermon that I KNOW was God further clarifying His promise to me. And so I wait. And if I have to wait till eternity to see it, I will, because His promises will not fail. Whether it's in 2021 or the distant future, I know that God is going to redeem to brokenness of this year... the relationships, the trust, the heartbreak, the joy, the healing, the losses. He is. And I'll be here waiting when He does.