***WARNING***WARNING***VULNERABILITY ALERT***WARNING***WARNING***
This is one of those that I need to write mainly for myself, although I know that many others can probably relate in different situations. It's one that I hate to write because I detest vulnerability (in myself) and yet I somehow know that I benefit from transparency. It's a strange paradoxical state, the world inside my brain. ;)
I got home on Friday from Royal Family Kids' Camp. It's a ministry my church does for kids age 7-11 who have been abandoned, abused, and neglected. Most are in foster care currently, though we do serve some who have been recently adopted. This was our 17th year and I have been blessed to be part of this ministry from Day 1. I did miss the year I got married and the two years I had babies, but it's been an integral part of the fabric of my life since shortly after my high school graduation. Kraig has been in it since the beginning with me, we coordinate many fundraising activities for this ministry, our girls are as involved as they can be until they are old enough to be counselors, and we both serve on the leadership team. The staff over the years becomes like family. Many of my biological family members, former students, and closest church friends are also deeply involved. I say all of this to provide background for what I am about to say. You should know that, of all ministries and activities I participate in, this one has my heart. This one is the one I am most involved with and the one I love the most.
I would be hard-pressed to think of a time in my life I have ever felt more like an outsider than this past week at camp. More so than my first day as a new faculty member at CHS, more so than traveling to DC to be part of a group of Holocaust teacher fellows in which I knew NO ONE, more so than in SE Asia where I am one of precious few tall, overweight Caucasians ;) .... It makes absolutely no sense, I know that. And this is not one of those posts about how people exclude people and the church needs to get it right, either. This year at camp was probably the most peaceful and supportive and encouraging staffs we have ever taken. It is not at all the fault of a single person. It was just me. And no matter what I did or what I told myself, I could not shake the feeling.
It was grating and constant and made me feel all itchy inside. It wasn't like sadness or anxiety or anything at all like that, just like I was the wrong size puzzle piece and I was the only one who knew it. Or maybe everyone else knew it too. I laughed at the wrong places in the story, heard the silences in conversations when it should have been my line. I was the kid at the lunch table who desperately wants to be liked but yet somehow can't ever offer the right key to unlock the group. I felt displaced and replaced and out of the loop. It unnerved me and scared me a little because there was very much a sense of, "What if this is the rest of my life? What if I have somehow lost what it takes to connect with people? What if I'm all poured out and used up?" because if I don't fit here in what has become a sort of home for my soul for the entirety of my adult life with people who are and feel like family, then where will I ever fit in?
Throughout the week, I was living it, so there wasn't much time for introspection and reflection. Since I have been home, I have reflected back on those feelings and possible causes. The very strange thing was that, no matter how much of a disconnect I felt with the people, God was so very present for me this week. There were multiple situations that were nothing short of miraculous answers from Him, circumstances in which His hand was the only possible reason that certain pieces of the week worked out.
It was sometime on Saturday that I had a thought. I wish I could say that God revealed to me that THIS, THIS was the answer to the entire week and that my feelings were straight from Him to make this point, but I can't say for certain that was the case. What I can say for certain is that this thought shed new light on my camp experience this year.
{I have typed and retyped the next part multiple times because I want to be so careful what and how I say it. I think it's so important for people who have truly lived easy lives not to ever imply that they "know what it's like" for anyone in true hardship situations. It's the same reason we teachers of Holocaust education avoid any type of simulation. I NEVER want my students to leave saying, "Oh, I know what they felt like, being in that railcar" because YOU DON'T and never could. In the same way, I have NO IDEA what it feels like to be a child in foster care and I NEVER COULD, no matter what. So please don't misunderstand what I am about to say.}
I think my feelings this week gave me a tiny taste, a fraction, a moment, of what those kids feel all the time. They live lives of displacement, rejection, feeling discarded. They are accustomed to having little to no information about their circumstances, to feeling like no one is ever happy to see them. Many of them, when it comes to potential adoptive situations, know what it means to feel "too old", "too shy", "too many siblings". They hear other kids talk about holidays and family events and vacations and all of those things and many of them just don't have much to offer to the conversation. There often isn't time to make friends because the next new school is just around the corner. At some juncture, it isn't just a matter of no time but rather feeling like there is no point. Although looking at them, you would never know they are in different circumstances than other kids, they always know. They always feel like that puzzle piece that never exactly fits.
What I hope is that they also know and were reminded this week that, no matter how few things they are able to fit in their little suitcase or trash bag to take to their next placement, there is One who goes before them who is so much bigger than their little lives. I hope they remember that, because of Him, they can be strong and courageous, not fearful or sad, for He is with them. It's always hard at the end of camp week for the staff because of the uncertainty. We know many of them are in great foster homes and group homes, some are in wonderful adoptive homes, some will go back to improved situations with biological parents at some point. But we also know that the future for so many of these kids is so uncertain and shaky and it's hard to spend a week loving on them, then watching them walk away seemingly alone. I loved the song we did all week and it's such a great reminder that they aren't walking away alone. The God of Angel Armies is always by their side.
Just Look...
Monday, June 8, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Psychology of Place
I have a place that matters more to me than any place in the world, no matter how far and wide I have and will travel.
Since that visit, Bear Paw has been the site of 37 years of full family vacations, the source of millions of memories, and the foundation of family life for years to come. Mom and Dad even bought a cabin there during my later years of high school and since then, our visits are far more frequent than once a year. Over time, family friends have come to love Bear Paw as much as we do.
Mother's Day weekend is a time that we always spend at the cabin. However, graduation was Friday night, so we went up Saturday morning instead. We went straight to the flea market and lunch in Murphy, then on to the cabin. I walked through the doors and sat down on the couch when something almost supernatural happened. I could literally feel the end of the year tension and sadness over the departure of my seniors just fade away from my body. Before I knew it, I was nodding off. I slid down from my seated position to rest my head on a pillow. From that point on, I was out. I woke up about two hours later, completely rested and with my very soul at peace.
Today we took the boat out and my goodness, it was good. Water soothes me like nothing else can and today was no different. In fact, the entire story behind this blog originated on that river! At one point, I sat with my feet dangling over the side of the boat and looked out across the water, and I wondered about the psychology of place. Am I so at peace in this place because I revert to an almost childlike state of mind and heart when I am there? Does it just represent happy times and special people to me? I don't know. I just know that being there provides me with the purest oxygen, the lifeblood to my soul.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
He is Not Here, For He is Risen
I kind of have a thing for graves. I know that sounds so weird, but I'm so interested in the history of a person that graves represent. I also love the concept of memorialization. When we were in Pennsylvania a little over a year go, I saw a little cemetery on the side of the road, walled off from the field of cows around it, stones just quietly standing sentry over lives gone by. I had to run across the street and look around a bit and found that it had graves in it from the 1800's.
This morning, I was looking through my pictures so I could make an instagram post of the Garden Tomb in Israel. In scrolling through the couple of pictures on my phone, something struck me about those two.... As many graves as I have visited, as many burial sites on which I have stood, from Westminster Abbey, to Pompeii. to Cambodia's Killing Fields, to Arlington, to the Baha'i Gardens in Haifa, to every cemetery in between, not one time had I visited a burial site that didn't actually contain a body. Until October. It's the first time I have ever gone inside a grave rather than just standing outside or above or next to.
Resurrection Sunday is about so much more than centerpieces and egg hunts and pretty pictures. It's the beauty contained in an empty grave. It's the hope of an eternal promise.
This morning, I was looking through my pictures so I could make an instagram post of the Garden Tomb in Israel. In scrolling through the couple of pictures on my phone, something struck me about those two.... As many graves as I have visited, as many burial sites on which I have stood, from Westminster Abbey, to Pompeii. to Cambodia's Killing Fields, to Arlington, to the Baha'i Gardens in Haifa, to every cemetery in between, not one time had I visited a burial site that didn't actually contain a body. Until October. It's the first time I have ever gone inside a grave rather than just standing outside or above or next to.
Resurrection Sunday is about so much more than centerpieces and egg hunts and pretty pictures. It's the beauty contained in an empty grave. It's the hope of an eternal promise.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Dear Senior on the Last Night of the Last Spring Break
I know that you are hearing this from everyone, all the time... Enjoy these days. Make the most of your time. Carpe this Diem. Cherish the moments. Etc. Etc.
But tonight, this last night of Spring Break of your senior year, let me add to the chorus and say...
Enjoy these days. The next month and a half is going to pass so quickly it will take your breath away. I don't like it when people say "These are the best years of your life" because good grief, I surely hope they aren't! I hope I'm not in the best years of mine, either! What a sad future, to look ahead and think, "It's all downhill from here." While I don't think they are the best years of your life, I do think that your life will never be exactly as it is right now. Every passing year is going to bring more responsibility, more pressure, more obligations. Many of you have so many of those right now, far more than I had at your age, but they are only going to increase with time. So enjoy the next month and a half-- the events, the people, the activities, and yes, even the classes and lessons.
Make the most of your time. I hear so many say they can't wait to get out, don't want to go to prom, don't care about graduation. Don't be that person. This is your final opportunity to make the most of this thing we call high school. Don't miss out on all of the little things and big things just because you were too cool to be seen enjoying it. Dress up for prom. Go to the senior night event. Attend the senior party. And find the good in each of those events, don't just sit around and look for the flaws and aspects that don't suit you. So much of your experiences are based on your attitude. Take a good one.
Carpe this Diem. Have you skipped all sporting events throughout high school and you always wondered what the hype was about? Right now, get a group of friends together, find the baseball or softball or boys soccer or track or tennis schedules, Raider yourself up, and go. Trust me, it may even be more fun at these sports than football or basketball because guess who doesn't ever really expect a cheering crowd and who would appreciate it tremendously? A baseball player, softball player, soccer player, runner/thrower, or tennis player, that's who! Catch the spring play and Voices, go to the band concert or the choir concert. It is the absolute coolest experience to see your people doing what they do best-- do it NOW, while they are still your people!
Cherish the moments. On my wedding day, I remember trying to be incredibly conscious of every single breath. I did that because so many married people I knew had told me that they regretted the fact that their weddings felt like a blur. If you aren't careful, you are going to blink and it's going to be time to put on that ridiculous looking pointy hat and walk in to the notes of what I believe is the second most tear inducing songs on earth ("Star-Spangled Banner" comes in first for me). In what is going to feel like only seconds, you are going to look down the aisle at the boy who peed his pants in kindergarten and the girl who always saved you a spot on the swings in 4th grade.... you're going to watch as the boy you had that massive crush on in 7th grade walks across that stage and the girl who sat by you in every science class all the way through high school smiles at you as she takes her place in line... you're going to clasp hands with the girl you didn't really get to know until junior and senior year but suddenly aren't sure what you're going to do without her... you're going to join in the Alma Mater with people you've loved and people you've hated and people you've never really gotten to know but for the very first time, you're all going to have something in common because suddenly, that song means something because it's your Alma Mater... you're going to gaze at the stage and see misty-eyed teachers who are looking at you with such pride because you're ours and you did it...
So right now, cherish this time and these people. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Celebrate the talents of your classmates. Thank your parents for putting up with your smart mouth freshman self and your junior know it all stage. Resolve a long-standing conflict with a friend or classmate. Love on your teachers and coaches. Talk to someone with whom you've never really had a conversation before. Take a moment at prom to take snapshots with your mind. Look around at graduation and take note of the fact that the Class of 2015 will never again be all together again.
19 years ago right now, I was at the end of the same journey you are. And as much as I love the life I have now (and ohmygoodness, I so do), I wish I had done a better job of cherishing the moments of high school than I did. I wish I had one more day in Coach Miller's Contemporary Issues class, one more sleepover with Nicole and Kelly and Nikki and Holly, one more meaningful conversation with Sara and Melissa, one more marching band performance, one more laugh with Mrs. Wyche, one more argument with Paul, one more chance to show kindness to someone I didn't ever pay much attention to... I wish I had spent more time telling people what they meant to me and less time worrying over the future. I don't get any more chances. I don't have a month and a half to make things count... But you DO.
So close your eyes tonight and purpose in your heart to end this journey with the intention that it deserves.... that you deserve.
But tonight, this last night of Spring Break of your senior year, let me add to the chorus and say...
Enjoy these days. The next month and a half is going to pass so quickly it will take your breath away. I don't like it when people say "These are the best years of your life" because good grief, I surely hope they aren't! I hope I'm not in the best years of mine, either! What a sad future, to look ahead and think, "It's all downhill from here." While I don't think they are the best years of your life, I do think that your life will never be exactly as it is right now. Every passing year is going to bring more responsibility, more pressure, more obligations. Many of you have so many of those right now, far more than I had at your age, but they are only going to increase with time. So enjoy the next month and a half-- the events, the people, the activities, and yes, even the classes and lessons.
Make the most of your time. I hear so many say they can't wait to get out, don't want to go to prom, don't care about graduation. Don't be that person. This is your final opportunity to make the most of this thing we call high school. Don't miss out on all of the little things and big things just because you were too cool to be seen enjoying it. Dress up for prom. Go to the senior night event. Attend the senior party. And find the good in each of those events, don't just sit around and look for the flaws and aspects that don't suit you. So much of your experiences are based on your attitude. Take a good one.
Carpe this Diem. Have you skipped all sporting events throughout high school and you always wondered what the hype was about? Right now, get a group of friends together, find the baseball or softball or boys soccer or track or tennis schedules, Raider yourself up, and go. Trust me, it may even be more fun at these sports than football or basketball because guess who doesn't ever really expect a cheering crowd and who would appreciate it tremendously? A baseball player, softball player, soccer player, runner/thrower, or tennis player, that's who! Catch the spring play and Voices, go to the band concert or the choir concert. It is the absolute coolest experience to see your people doing what they do best-- do it NOW, while they are still your people!
Cherish the moments. On my wedding day, I remember trying to be incredibly conscious of every single breath. I did that because so many married people I knew had told me that they regretted the fact that their weddings felt like a blur. If you aren't careful, you are going to blink and it's going to be time to put on that ridiculous looking pointy hat and walk in to the notes of what I believe is the second most tear inducing songs on earth ("Star-Spangled Banner" comes in first for me). In what is going to feel like only seconds, you are going to look down the aisle at the boy who peed his pants in kindergarten and the girl who always saved you a spot on the swings in 4th grade.... you're going to watch as the boy you had that massive crush on in 7th grade walks across that stage and the girl who sat by you in every science class all the way through high school smiles at you as she takes her place in line... you're going to clasp hands with the girl you didn't really get to know until junior and senior year but suddenly aren't sure what you're going to do without her... you're going to join in the Alma Mater with people you've loved and people you've hated and people you've never really gotten to know but for the very first time, you're all going to have something in common because suddenly, that song means something because it's your Alma Mater... you're going to gaze at the stage and see misty-eyed teachers who are looking at you with such pride because you're ours and you did it...
{Yeah. Totally crying right now. I can't help it. I'm a sap and graduation breaks my heart every single year. I always think if I just didn't love so hard it wouldn't hurt nearly so much but then the next year comes and I just do it all over again. Oh well. Year 14 for me... why change now?}
So right now, cherish this time and these people. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Celebrate the talents of your classmates. Thank your parents for putting up with your smart mouth freshman self and your junior know it all stage. Resolve a long-standing conflict with a friend or classmate. Love on your teachers and coaches. Talk to someone with whom you've never really had a conversation before. Take a moment at prom to take snapshots with your mind. Look around at graduation and take note of the fact that the Class of 2015 will never again be all together again.
19 years ago right now, I was at the end of the same journey you are. And as much as I love the life I have now (and ohmygoodness, I so do), I wish I had done a better job of cherishing the moments of high school than I did. I wish I had one more day in Coach Miller's Contemporary Issues class, one more sleepover with Nicole and Kelly and Nikki and Holly, one more meaningful conversation with Sara and Melissa, one more marching band performance, one more laugh with Mrs. Wyche, one more argument with Paul, one more chance to show kindness to someone I didn't ever pay much attention to... I wish I had spent more time telling people what they meant to me and less time worrying over the future. I don't get any more chances. I don't have a month and a half to make things count... But you DO.
So close your eyes tonight and purpose in your heart to end this journey with the intention that it deserves.... that you deserve.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Oh, the Joy that Floods my Soul...
Last night (technically about 1:30 AM this morning), I posted the following status on Facebook:
I am up way too late again, but tonight it's not work. I'm just basking in God's goodness. There was this big thing that I wasn't certain I could do but I was pretty positive I was supposed to do. Then He made it abundantly clear that I HAD to do it. And now that I have finally given myself over to the doing of it (vague much?), the tension and anxiety and worry is just completely gone and in its place is growing an incomprehensible excitement. It's shocking to my human brain that I could so quickly go from such dread, fear, and indecisiveness to this level of anticipation in such a short time. But my human brain isn't calling the shots any more. I want to tell the whole long story in a blog post soon but I just wanted to post this tonight in case someone else is hanging on to the decision making control and getting eaten alive by the anxiety that comes with it... Turn it loose. Let your hands fall away from the reins and just relish the heavenly peace that floods your being when you finally turn off your brain and let Him do HIS job.
I truly hate when people post vague things like that, but I really wanted to hopefully encourage someone who might be facing a similar situation. However, I didn't want to leave it vague for TOOOO awfully long, so here is the whole story.
Last spring, on the day that the "LIVE! with Kelly and Michael" show was going to be announcing the winner of the Top Teacher contest (a contest in which I made the Top Five and got to go to New York and appear on the show, and also in which I won a trip to Israel and a cart of computers for my school), my cell phone vibrated with an unfamiliar number. I had sort of figured at that point that I hadn't won, so I honestly thought it might be the producer who did my segment, calling to offer condolences. I said hello and heard these words, "Hi, Athena? This is ____ _____ calling you from Israel." I was a little baffled and thought for a second it was someone already calling to set up my prize trip, which seemed kind of quick. He continued on, telling me that he was calling from Yad Vashem and that they had watched my segment on the Kelly and Michael show on youtube. He said they were very impressed by my class and my teaching and knew that I had won a trip there. He asked if I had scheduled it yet and I told him we were planning to take it in the fall.
{As I was talking to him, I was frantically mouthing to a teacher friend of mine (I was in her room when my phone went off), "IT'S ISRAEL!" She could gather what was going on from my end of the conversation and she quickly scrawled something on a notepad and held it up so that I could read it. The note said, "THIS IS YOUR CAR." :) (The winner of the contest won a new Ford Fusion.)}
He then told me that they wanted to offer me a spot, free of charge, in their 3 week intensive summer seminar for educators. You can imagine how my heart dropped when he said the dates, which fell exactly during my trip to Cambodia. Imagine again how my heart LEAPT when, upon finding out that I would be in SE Asia at that time, he said, "No problem. Same offer, next summer." I was absolutely on Cloud One Hundred and Sixty-Seven. And I knew that, win or lose that contest, I had won something so much bigger.
We corresponded a time or two over the summer and weren't able to make contact during my family's October trip to Israel. Even though I knew it was something I both wanted and needed to do, I could not feel a peace about committing to it. I delayed as long as I could until, one day in November or December, I sent a text to about 12 close friends and family members and asked each of them to both pray diligently with me for the answer to be made clear and also to offer me most logical and objective advice that they could. And then I waited. And prayed. The overwhelming sentiment from most of my people was that I should go. But still, I was so uneasy in my spirit. Or my flesh.
I decided to write a grant to hopefully get a portion of my travel expenses covered. As I started to write it, I had to do a budget sheet and knew that I needed exact amounts in order to do it. I emailed him again, both to get confirmation that he was going to cover the tuition costs ($1200), as well as to ensure that the offer still stood. I didn't hear back from him that week. In a strange way, I was almost relieved, like that settled it. Even then, though, I wasn't at peace. I decided to try one more time and emailed him at the last possible moment before I had to either complete and submit the grant or stop the process. That time, he wrote me back with an answer that I can only say was one step shy of a burning bush or an audible voice from heaven: he confirmed the tuition payment and also said that he wanted to cover my hotel expenses (an additional $1400). I was in shock.
You see, I am what some might call a "fleece person". I am a professional at giving God all sorts of tests and ways to easily leave me signs about what He wants from me. What I am NOT good at is relinquishing control of the situation, making the decision He is clearly leading me to, and letting His spirit call the shots instead of my flesh. I view that moment I opened that email as God basically saying, "Enough fleeces, already! HERE IS YOUR ANSWER. NOW TAKE IT." I remember sitting at my desk in my empty classroom, tears welling up in my eyes, and physically feeling the tension and anxiety over the decision start to ebb out of my body. I sent several excited texts to my praying partners in this situation and I still have a screenshot of three replies that came right in a row that started the exact same way: "I didn't want to pressure you, but I felt like you would always regret it if you didn't do it." My mom's reply was even more interesting. She said that she honestly believed that the entire experience with being on the show was all working toward this as its end purpose, that the almost month in Israel and at Yad Vashem is what God had for me all along and the show is just the vehicle He used to get me there. I have actually looked at that program before, but never for a second realistically would have considered leaving my family and going across the world for a month of summer without this push.
The miracle, though, is what has happened since. Just in the month since I confirmed my decision, an excitement has been birthed and growing in me that is incomprehensible. I know the moment of leaving will still be very hard and I know that I will miss my family terribly, but all of those fears and apprehension and dread that I felt about being away are just GONE. I think about this experience many times a day and I cannot WAIT for it to be reality. It's a strange sort of ... almost homesickness... for a place I have only visited once. I CRAVE another chance to see those ancient white walls against that brilliant blue sky, to again float the waters of the Dead Sea, to walk one more time across the stone and sand of God's days as Flesh. I ache to feel the waters of the Sea of Galilee run through my fingers and to pray once more at the Western Wall. And the hours upon hours I will spend at Yad Vashem, learning from the world's leading Holocaust experts and hearing the stories of survival from the mouths of those who lived to tell... I don't even have the words to express my deep anticipation. I cannot believe that this is happening to ME. But I am so tremendously grateful that it is...
I am up way too late again, but tonight it's not work. I'm just basking in God's goodness. There was this big thing that I wasn't certain I could do but I was pretty positive I was supposed to do. Then He made it abundantly clear that I HAD to do it. And now that I have finally given myself over to the doing of it (vague much?), the tension and anxiety and worry is just completely gone and in its place is growing an incomprehensible excitement. It's shocking to my human brain that I could so quickly go from such dread, fear, and indecisiveness to this level of anticipation in such a short time. But my human brain isn't calling the shots any more. I want to tell the whole long story in a blog post soon but I just wanted to post this tonight in case someone else is hanging on to the decision making control and getting eaten alive by the anxiety that comes with it... Turn it loose. Let your hands fall away from the reins and just relish the heavenly peace that floods your being when you finally turn off your brain and let Him do HIS job.
I truly hate when people post vague things like that, but I really wanted to hopefully encourage someone who might be facing a similar situation. However, I didn't want to leave it vague for TOOOO awfully long, so here is the whole story.
Last spring, on the day that the "LIVE! with Kelly and Michael" show was going to be announcing the winner of the Top Teacher contest (a contest in which I made the Top Five and got to go to New York and appear on the show, and also in which I won a trip to Israel and a cart of computers for my school), my cell phone vibrated with an unfamiliar number. I had sort of figured at that point that I hadn't won, so I honestly thought it might be the producer who did my segment, calling to offer condolences. I said hello and heard these words, "Hi, Athena? This is ____ _____ calling you from Israel." I was a little baffled and thought for a second it was someone already calling to set up my prize trip, which seemed kind of quick. He continued on, telling me that he was calling from Yad Vashem and that they had watched my segment on the Kelly and Michael show on youtube. He said they were very impressed by my class and my teaching and knew that I had won a trip there. He asked if I had scheduled it yet and I told him we were planning to take it in the fall.
{As I was talking to him, I was frantically mouthing to a teacher friend of mine (I was in her room when my phone went off), "IT'S ISRAEL!" She could gather what was going on from my end of the conversation and she quickly scrawled something on a notepad and held it up so that I could read it. The note said, "THIS IS YOUR CAR." :) (The winner of the contest won a new Ford Fusion.)}
He then told me that they wanted to offer me a spot, free of charge, in their 3 week intensive summer seminar for educators. You can imagine how my heart dropped when he said the dates, which fell exactly during my trip to Cambodia. Imagine again how my heart LEAPT when, upon finding out that I would be in SE Asia at that time, he said, "No problem. Same offer, next summer." I was absolutely on Cloud One Hundred and Sixty-Seven. And I knew that, win or lose that contest, I had won something so much bigger.
We corresponded a time or two over the summer and weren't able to make contact during my family's October trip to Israel. Even though I knew it was something I both wanted and needed to do, I could not feel a peace about committing to it. I delayed as long as I could until, one day in November or December, I sent a text to about 12 close friends and family members and asked each of them to both pray diligently with me for the answer to be made clear and also to offer me most logical and objective advice that they could. And then I waited. And prayed. The overwhelming sentiment from most of my people was that I should go. But still, I was so uneasy in my spirit. Or my flesh.
I decided to write a grant to hopefully get a portion of my travel expenses covered. As I started to write it, I had to do a budget sheet and knew that I needed exact amounts in order to do it. I emailed him again, both to get confirmation that he was going to cover the tuition costs ($1200), as well as to ensure that the offer still stood. I didn't hear back from him that week. In a strange way, I was almost relieved, like that settled it. Even then, though, I wasn't at peace. I decided to try one more time and emailed him at the last possible moment before I had to either complete and submit the grant or stop the process. That time, he wrote me back with an answer that I can only say was one step shy of a burning bush or an audible voice from heaven: he confirmed the tuition payment and also said that he wanted to cover my hotel expenses (an additional $1400). I was in shock.
You see, I am what some might call a "fleece person". I am a professional at giving God all sorts of tests and ways to easily leave me signs about what He wants from me. What I am NOT good at is relinquishing control of the situation, making the decision He is clearly leading me to, and letting His spirit call the shots instead of my flesh. I view that moment I opened that email as God basically saying, "Enough fleeces, already! HERE IS YOUR ANSWER. NOW TAKE IT." I remember sitting at my desk in my empty classroom, tears welling up in my eyes, and physically feeling the tension and anxiety over the decision start to ebb out of my body. I sent several excited texts to my praying partners in this situation and I still have a screenshot of three replies that came right in a row that started the exact same way: "I didn't want to pressure you, but I felt like you would always regret it if you didn't do it." My mom's reply was even more interesting. She said that she honestly believed that the entire experience with being on the show was all working toward this as its end purpose, that the almost month in Israel and at Yad Vashem is what God had for me all along and the show is just the vehicle He used to get me there. I have actually looked at that program before, but never for a second realistically would have considered leaving my family and going across the world for a month of summer without this push.
The miracle, though, is what has happened since. Just in the month since I confirmed my decision, an excitement has been birthed and growing in me that is incomprehensible. I know the moment of leaving will still be very hard and I know that I will miss my family terribly, but all of those fears and apprehension and dread that I felt about being away are just GONE. I think about this experience many times a day and I cannot WAIT for it to be reality. It's a strange sort of ... almost homesickness... for a place I have only visited once. I CRAVE another chance to see those ancient white walls against that brilliant blue sky, to again float the waters of the Dead Sea, to walk one more time across the stone and sand of God's days as Flesh. I ache to feel the waters of the Sea of Galilee run through my fingers and to pray once more at the Western Wall. And the hours upon hours I will spend at Yad Vashem, learning from the world's leading Holocaust experts and hearing the stories of survival from the mouths of those who lived to tell... I don't even have the words to express my deep anticipation. I cannot believe that this is happening to ME. But I am so tremendously grateful that it is...
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I Probably Should Have Put my ATTITUDE in Park
I'm going to speak pretty freely here, so if my boss reads this, I hope she reads all the way to the end...
We have a new parking situation at work. It's a parking situation that is caused by a tremendous blessing, a beautiful new building that is going to be an awesome addition to our school. However, that beautiful new building construction means that we teachers have been displaced. We have two parking options, neither of which are optimal if A. your classroom is where mine is and you aren't up for a 5K each morning and evening or B. you would like to get through traffic sometime before dinnertime. I have been..... let's just say a little bit of a baby about it. I have complained in my own head basically every single morning and afternoon and occasionally to those close to me. I also attempted to buck the system by always having something heavy in my car so that I could use "carrying" as an excuse, but someone became wise to that and told me specifically (directly to my face) that there isn't room for teachers on that side; once you have been told directly, there isn't any option at all to continue in your evil ways. ;)
This morning I was late. I misread my clock and read too long in bed before I got up, the middle schooler was moving slowly and time was crunched. There is a tiny tiny itsy bitsy traffic window at CMS and if you miss it, GOOD LUCK. Today, we missed it by a mile and that window was SLAMMED shut. That, of course, made us later and so by the time I got to my school, I was pretty much a total grump. I parked in option A, meaning a trek to my classroom (already late, remember). Because I was so late, I had to take the last possible spot in that lot which meant an even longer walk to the door. By the time I got to the door, I was HUFFING and PUFFING with irritation. The door is a keyed door. (See where this thing is going???) Guess who couldn't find her key. Yep. It's also not a door that people walk by, so when I realized I would have to stand until someone came along, I knew that might mean a long wait. The anger and irritation and brattiness just surged inside me.
After what felt like a 30 minute wait but was actually only about 3, I heard movement behind me and turned to see a student whose life has not been the easiest. Due to circumstances I won't divulge, this student struggles every day with tasks that you and I never even give two seconds of thought to. As I watched this high schooler painstakingly approach me, I was chastised and rebuked and chastened and convicted and every other word that goes with those. I thought to myself, "Who do you think you are? How DARE you complain and act like a giant obnoxious baby about having to walk (on two good legs with feet that were even HEALED of plantar fasciitis over two years ago) from your car (that runs well and is almost paid for) into your school (that you love with all of your heart and that was your TOP choice for jobs after college) to your job (that not only earns you an excellent paycheck but that gives you sick time and personal days and lots of breaks) and a classroom (where you sincerely adore every moment of your time) of students (who are, bar none, the best kids ever, who treat you with kindness and respect and are funny and smart and witty and caring), waiting to read Macbeth (and so much more fantastic literature, the stuff that makes your heart beat fast and your eyes light up and your purpose so clear)??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Just in case I missed that point, there was another situation later in the day where God drove the point even deeper into my brain and heart, reminding me that there are far larger obstacles in life than having to walk a long way to the car and far greater needs than parking.
I know we love to talk about perspective. I don't even think today was about perspective. I think it was about remembering that where we start and end our day doesn't matter nearly as much as what we do with it. And if you look for me around 7:25 or 3:10 every day, I'll be the one whistling across the school or smiling my way through the traffic. ;)
We have a new parking situation at work. It's a parking situation that is caused by a tremendous blessing, a beautiful new building that is going to be an awesome addition to our school. However, that beautiful new building construction means that we teachers have been displaced. We have two parking options, neither of which are optimal if A. your classroom is where mine is and you aren't up for a 5K each morning and evening or B. you would like to get through traffic sometime before dinnertime. I have been..... let's just say a little bit of a baby about it. I have complained in my own head basically every single morning and afternoon and occasionally to those close to me. I also attempted to buck the system by always having something heavy in my car so that I could use "carrying" as an excuse, but someone became wise to that and told me specifically (directly to my face) that there isn't room for teachers on that side; once you have been told directly, there isn't any option at all to continue in your evil ways. ;)
This morning I was late. I misread my clock and read too long in bed before I got up, the middle schooler was moving slowly and time was crunched. There is a tiny tiny itsy bitsy traffic window at CMS and if you miss it, GOOD LUCK. Today, we missed it by a mile and that window was SLAMMED shut. That, of course, made us later and so by the time I got to my school, I was pretty much a total grump. I parked in option A, meaning a trek to my classroom (already late, remember). Because I was so late, I had to take the last possible spot in that lot which meant an even longer walk to the door. By the time I got to the door, I was HUFFING and PUFFING with irritation. The door is a keyed door. (See where this thing is going???) Guess who couldn't find her key. Yep. It's also not a door that people walk by, so when I realized I would have to stand until someone came along, I knew that might mean a long wait. The anger and irritation and brattiness just surged inside me.
After what felt like a 30 minute wait but was actually only about 3, I heard movement behind me and turned to see a student whose life has not been the easiest. Due to circumstances I won't divulge, this student struggles every day with tasks that you and I never even give two seconds of thought to. As I watched this high schooler painstakingly approach me, I was chastised and rebuked and chastened and convicted and every other word that goes with those. I thought to myself, "Who do you think you are? How DARE you complain and act like a giant obnoxious baby about having to walk (on two good legs with feet that were even HEALED of plantar fasciitis over two years ago) from your car (that runs well and is almost paid for) into your school (that you love with all of your heart and that was your TOP choice for jobs after college) to your job (that not only earns you an excellent paycheck but that gives you sick time and personal days and lots of breaks) and a classroom (where you sincerely adore every moment of your time) of students (who are, bar none, the best kids ever, who treat you with kindness and respect and are funny and smart and witty and caring), waiting to read Macbeth (and so much more fantastic literature, the stuff that makes your heart beat fast and your eyes light up and your purpose so clear)??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Just in case I missed that point, there was another situation later in the day where God drove the point even deeper into my brain and heart, reminding me that there are far larger obstacles in life than having to walk a long way to the car and far greater needs than parking.
I know we love to talk about perspective. I don't even think today was about perspective. I think it was about remembering that where we start and end our day doesn't matter nearly as much as what we do with it. And if you look for me around 7:25 or 3:10 every day, I'll be the one whistling across the school or smiling my way through the traffic. ;)
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Dreams...
I have so much I need to be doing right now. But instead I'm sitting, tears flowing, in a dark, silent room, utterly amazed at the sweetness of my Savior.
Last year, we were raising money for Cambodia. In that process, we hit on a few things that we truly enjoyed doing so we decided to start a small business. This is mostly a shirt business, although there are (and will be) some other extensions at times. The business took off (far more quickly than we were prepared for). We had talked a little this past summer about some goals for ourselves and ways that we could run an intentional, humanitarian-oriented, mission-minded business. We decided we wanted to offer "shirts with a purpose". The latter half of 2014 was a little bit of a shotgun approach because things were just moving faster than we could handle. We did agree early on that we wanted a quarterly focus of our giving to be a PCL missionary named Isaac. Kraig and I were both so drawn to him and impressed by him during our time in Cambodia. He runs the Integrated Farm in Takaam and has also planted a church in the nearby village. We knew that we wanted to sow into his work in Cambodia.
Our family already sponsors a boy in a PCL orphanage, our sweet buddy Phirom. I met him on my first trip there in 2013 and we decided to sponsor him as soon as I got back. Emma and Kraig got to meet him this summer and I'm so excited for Kelsey to have that opportunity in 2016. Somewhat unexpectedly but yet also a product of several years of consideration off and on, we have signed up to use the business to sponsor a Compassion International child. For Such a Time will be a monthly sponsor of Libni, an adorable four year old girl in Mexico.
Through the amazing community of shirt-wearers in this town, ;) we have been able to donate shirts to the Royal Family 5K as well as do some low cost shirt work and a fundraiser for The Refuge, another local non-profit. In 2015 we hope to add to our support of Isaac and Libni with regular donations to a different organization every month. Kraig came up with the awesome idea to allow people who place screen printing orders of $300 or more CHOOSE the organization they want their order to support. We composed a list of (mostly local) organizations that we have vetted and know to be full of integrity and purpose. Those ministries are
Royal Family Ministries- ministry to foster children by SCCOG
The Refuge- sustainable living, job assistance, coordination of services
PCL- sustainable living in Cambodia and internationally as well as local work
Transition Furniture- provide furniture for people in need
Family Promise- assists families in moving from homelessness to housing
Caring Place- food, clothing, and other benevolence
Family Kitchen- provide meals to local homeless families every Saturday
Carl and Anna Nobles- missionaries to the Native Americans in the Dakotas
Project Free2Fly- teaching women sewing skills to help them become self-sufficient
The Prison Ministry of Eddie and Gloria Murphy - retreats for wives of prisoners, services, counseling, Bible study, care packages
Last year, we were raising money for Cambodia. In that process, we hit on a few things that we truly enjoyed doing so we decided to start a small business. This is mostly a shirt business, although there are (and will be) some other extensions at times. The business took off (far more quickly than we were prepared for). We had talked a little this past summer about some goals for ourselves and ways that we could run an intentional, humanitarian-oriented, mission-minded business. We decided we wanted to offer "shirts with a purpose". The latter half of 2014 was a little bit of a shotgun approach because things were just moving faster than we could handle. We did agree early on that we wanted a quarterly focus of our giving to be a PCL missionary named Isaac. Kraig and I were both so drawn to him and impressed by him during our time in Cambodia. He runs the Integrated Farm in Takaam and has also planted a church in the nearby village. We knew that we wanted to sow into his work in Cambodia.
Our family already sponsors a boy in a PCL orphanage, our sweet buddy Phirom. I met him on my first trip there in 2013 and we decided to sponsor him as soon as I got back. Emma and Kraig got to meet him this summer and I'm so excited for Kelsey to have that opportunity in 2016. Somewhat unexpectedly but yet also a product of several years of consideration off and on, we have signed up to use the business to sponsor a Compassion International child. For Such a Time will be a monthly sponsor of Libni, an adorable four year old girl in Mexico.
Through the amazing community of shirt-wearers in this town, ;) we have been able to donate shirts to the Royal Family 5K as well as do some low cost shirt work and a fundraiser for The Refuge, another local non-profit. In 2015 we hope to add to our support of Isaac and Libni with regular donations to a different organization every month. Kraig came up with the awesome idea to allow people who place screen printing orders of $300 or more CHOOSE the organization they want their order to support. We composed a list of (mostly local) organizations that we have vetted and know to be full of integrity and purpose. Those ministries are
Royal Family Ministries- ministry to foster children by SCCOG
The Refuge- sustainable living, job assistance, coordination of services
PCL- sustainable living in Cambodia and internationally as well as local work
Transition Furniture- provide furniture for people in need
Family Promise- assists families in moving from homelessness to housing
Caring Place- food, clothing, and other benevolence
Family Kitchen- provide meals to local homeless families every Saturday
Carl and Anna Nobles- missionaries to the Native Americans in the Dakotas
Project Free2Fly- teaching women sewing skills to help them become self-sufficient
The Prison Ministry of Eddie and Gloria Murphy - retreats for wives of prisoners, services, counseling, Bible study, care packages
Anyway, all of that to say that I had really built tonight up on our fb page as a big sort of unveiling of our plans for 2015, ways that our customers helped us #bethegood in 2014, and showcase of winter/Valentine designs. I started posting tonight and at one point I looked up to see 89 notifications. It wasn't all (or even most!) sales. It was just interest. Involvement. Support. And that's when it hit me, and I nearly lost it all over the keyboard.
I have known since my junior year in college that God's plan for my life was to teach. I spent many years leading up to that point denying and avoiding, but that year, in one day (in one HOUR), I dropped a physics class in one room and walked to the room next door to change my major from physical therapy to English. (As you might imagine, these had ZERO common class requirements.) :) But I'm here to tell you, I walked out that door and down "Cardiac Hill" and I felt different than I had ever felt in my life. I KNEW, at that moment, what it meant to be in God's perfect will. And that feeling has never left, not for a second. I have had rough days and a few rough classes but I have ZERO doubt that teaching in room 222 at Cleveland High School is the place God has for me. Today, tomorrow, and most of forever.
BUT. There are also so many other things I want to do and have wanted to do. I have two (actually four but two don't fit into this category) dreams that I have always held so close to my heart, dreams that I have kind of deferred until I retire. One is to write a book and the other is to work for or run a non-profit. (I also have a dream of taking a photograph of something or someone that really matters in a place that my life is in danger. I don't know. Weird, I know.)
Tonight I was sitting there typing onto our facebook page, seeing those notifications, and I realized that one of those dreams is being fulfilled right this very minute. And I didn't even have to quit my dream job to do it. It's not a non-profit, but we have found a way to do something we enjoy and use it to support not ONE non-profit, but ALL of the non-profits we love! How very like my God to take a deeply held (and somewhat secret) dream and bring it to pass right before my eyes in such a quiet, gentle way that I didn't even realize what was happening?
The mercy of a Father who longs to give us the desires of our heart is not an image often presented in religion. But it's such a beautiful part of relationship. And ultimately, it's relationship that saves us.
So if you have some dreams tucked away somewhere like I did, dreams that you think will have to wait until you have time or money or plans or age to accomplish them, be willing to let them seep out of the little corners of your heart. Don't hold onto them so tightly that He can't bring them into the light. And if you ever find yourself staring full-on into the face of a dream you thought was 16 years away, make sure to give Him the honor.
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