Bloom

I remember when this was going to be the year of my writing. 2018. "One" is my word. In regard to my writing, I was ready to consider it "Day One" instead of "One Day". Except.... I didn't. I haven't. And as the days have eased by, it's gotten harder and harder to make myself start. I have this weird thing about myself where I don't think I can start anything in the middle, or in medias ras, as I always taught my tenth grade honors kiddos when we read The Iliad. Only on Mondays, the first day of a month or a year. Well, I read something today about the pressure we put on ourselves and how it's not of God. It was a tweet from someone that said, "God is not in a hurry. You are. It's why you are tired. It's why you are anxious, and stressed, and disappointed. Today I pray that you surrender your timeline in favor of His peace. Trust that what was meant to be yours, will be yours." The only thing holding me back from writing, I realized, was the whole... NOT WRITING part of it. So here I am. With a much overdue post.

In June, we celebrated a year together and a few weeks ago, we officially finalized our adoption in court. This year has been many things. All seven of us have changed pretty drastically in the past year. We have grown in God and in each other. We have figured each other out. We freely fuss at all five kids, get grumpy with all five, and pout at all five rather than just the biological two. The kids can argue with each other, make up, and argue again. Our family is so different today than it was 14 months ago, and yet in other ways we are the exact same family, just larger in number.

I read an analogy the other day of a tree being grafted, and that really resonated with me. The grafting doesn't just affect the new parts, it affects the entire tree. And the tree is eventually stronger as a result of the grafted parts. The day after I read this analogy, I was sitting outside at LifeCare and my grandmother pointed to a tree whose leaves were starting to turn and said, "Do you know why the top part of that tree looks different? That's where they grafted it." Now my grandmother often says things lately that aren't exactly... correct... ;) but it still brought the idea of grafting back to my mind.

Last year in June, we received an awesome gift from a dear friend of mine. She sent a crepe myrtle for each of the kids to plant. I remember that day like it was yesterday, only home a week, everyone running around with shovels and buckets of water. I remember looking at those little plants, still weak from shipping, and thinking about how fragile they seemed. I thought ahead to the winter, wondered if they would survive cold and possible snow, wondered how we would explain their demise if they DIDN'T make it and we had already made the metaphor of the trees representing the new lives of our kids here in Tennessee.

Those trees looked pretty rough all winter. In fact, at various times, Kraig told me he thought they were probably finished. I kept insisting that they would be fine. Sure enough, in early summer, they started to perk up. By late summer, they had full leaves, and by the past couple of weeks, they are starting to bloom. It's also worth noting that each of the trees has grown completely differently. Angela's is the shortest and has the least blooms, but it is so hardy and has so many shoots on it. Roman's is by far the tallest, also strong. Francisco's isn't extremely tall like Roman's, but it is FULL of blossoms. In much the same way, the kids have very different personalities and coping mechanisms.

I stood there yesterday and looked at those trees and I remembered looking at them last summer and fall and worrying about the winter. I remembered being unsure they were hardy enough to make it, worrying that we had planted them at the wrong time and they didn't have time to root and grow strong before the cold set in. I felt many of the same fears for our kids last summer and fall. I was so scared for them to start school, so worried that we had added them to our family too late for us all to "graft" together. I was concerned that there just wasn't time for them to "root" in our family, that the cold world would set in before we had bonded together.

But all of those fears were wrong. These kids have rooted and remained hardy, grown even stronger and fuller, and bloomed. Our family roots are strong and we have so much beauty in our garden. So yesterday, we took pictures of the kids with the trees to have a visual of the first year together and their first year in the US. I'm so thankful for these trees to remind us how far we have come and how strong we are, even when the cold and uncertainty of winter comes.

These Years

Last night, we watched a movie together, all seven of us piled around the tv room. After that movie, it was still early, and so Kraig found a WWII movie he had wanted to see. Emma and Kelsey aren't what one would call "history buffs", so they headed to my bed to watch a movie together while the other three remained riveted to the screen during the British evacuation of Dunkirk. About an hour in, it occurred to me that I had not only let that happen, but I wasn't even worried about it. That's when I knew that things are "normal". I don't worry that the original two are off together, because it could just as easily been an original and a new one if it had been a sci fi movie on the big screen upstairs. Early on, my radar was up all the time, watching for a separation between my biological and adopted kids. 

Later last night, something else happened and I stayed awake almost all night, just dozing between imagining dark and terrible scenarios that could exist based on the incident. I second guessed my words to the kid in question, worried about what the light of day would bring. That's when I knew that things still aren't "normal". Even a year in, there are just so many things we still don't know about these people we love so much but who are still in some ways strangers. I know Emma and Kelsey like the back of my hand. They may make mistakes and let us down and need correction (sometimes in HUGE ways), but I know exactly what works with them and how they will respond, even in discipline. The other three are still relatively unknown in those ways. And they are unknown at a time when everything matters SO MUCH because they are so old and our time together is so limited. 

I remember when my kids were tiny, I honestly felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It felt like everything I did, every word I said, every action I took, every discipline used, every meaningful moment, everything, was setting the tone for the rest of their lives. I just knew that our early years together were going to shape the relationships we had together from that point until my death. I remember their first years, not as carefree years, but as years of anxiety and stress and second-guessing. I remember mostly feeling on edge and worried. 

And here's the honest truth.... I'm not sure that I was wrong. As exhausting as it was, I do think that the two amazing teens who live in this house exist as they are at least partly because we parented them when they were little like everything mattered so much.

I'm back in that place today. I have been since Emma's 8th grade year, which is what I mark as the defining moment for me of entering the parenting of teens and all that brings with it. Then, the following summer, we added three more teens to the mix, teens we didn't know and hadn't had time to build a relationship with. And I'm right back, with all five, where I lived when Emma and Kelsey were tiny. Again, I feel like these years are setting the tone for the future. I feel like their actions and our reactions to those actions are defining the adults they are going to be. And I find it just as terrifying, nay, MORE SO, than the first years. Because now the stakes are so much higher. And now the time is so short. And now the exhaustion is so much greater. 

I don't have a neat and tidy bow to put on this post. In fact, this isn't the post I set out to write. I was going to write a reflection on our first year together, which I will do, but my heart is here today and so this is what came out. I can't offer much encouragement to young moms other than "you will make it" because I remember too well how you're feeling and how stressful it is. I can't offer much hope to moms of teens because, honestly, the jury is still out on whether we will come out unscathed. To the "moms in the middle".... CHERISH THIS TIME. Rest, enjoy, learn, and love, because the next season of challenge is on its way. 

(And I don't want anyone to think I didn't also enjoy the early years or that I don't also enjoy these years... I DO. In fact, I love teenagers so much that I choose to spend my entire life with them. And my kids as teens are fun and funny and smart and active and I love to hang with them and cheer them on. But I also feel the pressure of parenting them, and I don't think I'm wrong for that.)

No matter the pressure, no matter the outcome, I know that I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing it with my best friend beside me and my God within me and that's going to have to be enough for now.

The Trip that Never Was :)

Originally, Kelsey and I were going to do a trip to Florida to swim with the manatees. Now we knew that, for the time of year we were going, this was going to be a sparse swim, but we were up for it. Anyway, tropical storm someone had his way and we canceled that trip and went on a different one. I wanted to record my plans for this one so that we can take it later (but know that it's not a tested plan).

Day 1- drive to Homosassa, Florida, where we were staying in the cutest Airbnb. We planned to rest and enjoy the pool for day 1.

Depending on the weather, the following could have been switched around, but here were our plans:

Snorkle with the manatees with River Ventures. They were the best reviewed company I found. We were going to do a 6:15 AM swim.

Go down to Weeki Wachi and enjoy the water park, the show, and then kayak the river in a tandem kayak.

Possibly go up to the Rainbow River and kayak and snorkel.

Spend a day on a beach, probably Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs and also take a boat tour to see the sponge docks and islands.

I had also booked a stay at the King's Bay Lodge, a place that apparently looks iffy from the outside and is super nice inside. They also have kayaks for use by people staying there, which was cool.

I did look into the bioluminescence kayak tours at the Cocoa Beach area, but we decided not to drive so far.

The Eastern Shore

Kelsey and I had done all the planning (I'll do a post on it too, although it hasn't be tested yet) for a trip to Florida to swim with the manatees. Then a stupid tropical storm came through and I had to change all of our plans 36 hours before time to leave. This was our replacement and it was AMAZING.

We left Sunday morning and drove (and drove and drove and drove) to Cape Charles, VA. We made one stop on the way, a beautiful stop but a challenging one.... we detoured to Covington, VA, with the intention of eating a picnic lunch at the waterfall and then seeing a historic covered bridge. It didn't work out exactly as planned (no food places, longer drive than expected, a road was out and so detours, GPS didn't get service, etc, etc), but those two sites were beautiful, especially the covered bridge. Absolutely amazing.

That night, we arrived late in Cape Charles, VA. I had gotten the last room available at Hotel Cape Charles, a boutique hotel that we both fell in LOVE with. This whole area was so darling! We booked a kayak tour (also last minute and through Groupon) with Virginia EcoTours. It was a GREAT deal for an awesome excursion. It was probably my favorite part of the trip. After our morning kayaking (started at 8), we went to the public beach in Cape Charles. It was Memorial Day and there were probably 30 people out there other than us. The only downside is that the beach is VERY shallow FOREVER, with no waves. So it might be a little boring to some. After some time there, we headed to our AirBnB in Onancock to check in.

I cannot say enough about this place. Good grief. It was absolute perfection. We loved every second of our stay at The Apartment at Holly Cove and would also have loved The Studio at Holly Cove, if it had been open. They offered use of their kayaks and paddle boards and the dock and shore areas. It's just a lovely place and I wish we could go back again SOON.  That first night, after kayaking in the creek, we ate at Mallard's, a place I think we would have appreciated more had we been seafood eaters. :)

The next day, we headed to Chincoteague and Assoteague. It was about a 45 minute drive from Onancock. We arrived in the area by 10 and drove around Assoteague. It did cost $20 to drive over. After making the loop in the car, we got our bikes out and biked several loops. (DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT BUG SPRAY.) It was fun, but so foggy we didn't see very many ponies. After our visit to Assoteague by land, we headed back to Chincoteague, picked up lunch from Poseidon's Pantry and ate a picnic lunch. From there, we headed to the marina to meet Barnacle Bill for our boat tour of Assoteague. We loved Captain Bill. His boat left a LOT to be desired. And the price seemed a little steep for the conditions of the boat. However, Bill was a nice guy and had a lot of info to give us. After our tour with Bill, we stopped at the MUST STOP place, the Island Creamery. It was EVERYTHING WE HAD HEARD AND MORE. Delicious. After a visit to the park and a little bit of shopping (not much to see), we headed back to Onancock where we ate at the Irish pub (do not recommend).

The following morning, we got up early to eat breakfast at Janet's. What a DARLING place and such great food! Following that, we went a minute or two away to the wharf where we met our ferry to go to Tangier Island. This was such a cool little day.... the ferry ride is about an hour each way and the time at Tangier Island was so pleasant. We walked the main side of the island, then took a golf cart tour. After that, we ate lunch, then rented our own golf cart. We drove around everywhere, then ended up at the beach with NO ONE on it. It was amazing. If we ever go back, I would take beach stuff and we would just spend the day on this beautiful empty beach. The locals said it's always empty. After our ferry ride back, we packed up, grabbed some dinner, and went to bed.

Today, we drove back, leaving there at 6 AM and arriving home at 5:30 PM with about 4 quick stops. It was a long drive to do all at once, but I never listen to myself, so..... ;)

Great trip. Five out of five stars.

Renaissance Weekend

For Angela's trip, we did all things Renaissance (and some other things). We left on Friday afternoon and headed for Atlanta.

Our first stop was the Medieval Times dinner show in Lawrenceville, GA. I would recommend this for people who enjoy these types of things. You can watch the website and catch pretty great deals if you don't have a particular weekend you need to go. We stayed in a really great hotel less than a mile away but I can't remember what it was, unfortunately. I DO remember that I had already booked a hotel for that night when I booked this one, so we were able to pay for TWO hotels on this night. {eye roll}

The next morning, we drove to Fairburn, GA, for the Georgia Renaissance Festival. This was my first time for anything like that and I have to say, it was interesting. I thought it was well organized and the shows were fun and interesting. I was interested in how friendly everyone was. I would recommend following the page for a while leading up to the festival because they run all sorts of specials. We were going to do the bogo tickets for opening weekend, but then on Valentine's Day they offered a special deal for two people that included meals AND game tokens, so I snagged that deal and it was a wise choice.

I had booked us at a bed and breakfast in Hapeville, GA, called Maison LaVigne. I have mixed feelings on our stay there. I had friends who were surprised that there was a B and B in that area, and once we got there, I understood why they were surprised. It wasn't a typical area for a B&B and there was NOWHERE in town to eat. It felt slightly unsafe driving to it after dark. The lodging itself was comfortable and clean, but the first night we were there, a party at the house behind it went on most of the night, and LOUDLY.

The following morning, we drove in to the Georgia Aquarium, which was INCREDIBLE. We loved the dolphin show, the exhibits, and everything about it. We came back to our B&B for the cooking lessons I had booked (which, and it was probably my fault for misunderstanding, but cost TWICE what I expected them to), which were really cool. That night, I took Angela to the Sundial Restaurant. This was a suggestion from a friend and it was a fabulous one. She thought it was the neatest thing in the world when we were driving in and I pointed to the sky and said, "See that? That's where we are eating." One side note on that, I had booked a reservation and then read reviews and realized we would be wasting money. We ended up just going to the bar area and ordering a pizza. Same view, delicious food, fraction of the price, much more comfortable... good call. ***Note, it no longer rotates. Which is fine. and which we knew.

The last day of our trip, we had planned to bike. However, the one complaint I have about Atlanta is that I found it impossible to figure out where we could park and bike. We drove to a park (can't remember which one) and couldn't see where to park or any people, so we just decided to head back home and bike our own greenway. Then it was freezing cold and so we just skipped the biking altogether on this trip.

A Trip North

As the details start to fade, it occurred to me that I need to document information about various trips we have taken in order to remember the details if I ever want to replicate them. Below is the itinerary from Emma's 13th birthday trip in 2016:

Left early in the AM and drove to Cincinnati. We had planned to rent bikes, but didn't reserve them in advance and the bike shop was closed for lunch. Instead, we parked in the parking garage close to the bridge and then walked the park and the suspension bridge. After that, we walked the park on the other side, enjoyed the swings, and relaxed on the grass.

On the way out of Cincinnati, we stopped at the Root Beer Stand restaurant that someone had suggested since Emma loves root beer. There, we enjoyed lunch and Emma had a root beer float. It was a great stop!

Even with the Cincinnati stop, this was a terribly long drive for one driver in one day, especially one who is exhausted from the ending of a school year. I decided that day that I would never drive that distance again. Then I turned right around and did it this past week on Kelsey's trip. Oh well.

From there we headed north to Holland, Michigan. We arrived early evening at the Dutch Colonial Inn, the most fabulous bed and breakfast EVER. I cannot recommend this place more highly. We had dinner in town, drove around a bit, then spent the next 2 days exploring the adorable downtown area of Holland, hiking Mt. Pisgah and going to the beach, plus some fantastic boutique shopping.

We went to CedarPoint the next day (after a night at a terrifying hotel that I DO NOT recommend) and it was our absolute favorite. We adored that place! Since we were also going to King's Island, we found a combo pass that saved us a little money.

That night, we drove down to Mason, Ohio, and stayed in the Kirkwood Inn. Again, HIGHLY recommend. This place was clean and safe and nice and historic, with beautiful grounds and gardens that we didn't get to enjoy much, and a delicious breakfast. Our King's Island day was ok, but it was nowhere near my favorite amusement park I've visited. After a whole day of coaster riding, we drove home, arriving around 10 PM.

My Walmart Miracle

Who knew Walmart was going to be the place I found my hope again?

A bit of backstory:

The past week or two have been complicated. Not BAD, not HORRIBLE, just complicated.

Last week, I took a sick day on Monday for a doctor appt that I was certain was going to bring really scary news. I had not expressed these fears to ANYONE, including Kraig, but all weekend the weekend before, I had a sense that it was my last weekend of normalcy. Sunday night, my mom took my dad to the ER with difficulty breathing and they admitted him. On Monday morning, as I waited in the waiting room on the verge of a panic attack, I got a text from my mom that my dad's issues were more serious than pneumonia or a weird heart rhythm. As you might imagine, that day went downhill and I spent the remainder of my sick day at the hospital. However.... the bad news I expected to get at the dr office? Not a bit! All is well, praise the Lord.

My dad was in the hospital all week and during that time, Emma got sick and I had to stay home from school with her on Friday. Another family member had a scheduled surgical procedure Friday and Kraig was at the hospital for that, then he was out of town for the weekend of recovery, which left me with four kids, a prom, and school responsibilities.

Prom, although awesome, was complicated because A. I've never had a son before (he wore green and navy checked socks with a black suit-- it is what it is), B. I was chauffeuring him and his date, C. I have three other kids, D. I had an opportunity to make prom happen for a student of mine which meant additional driving and helping and arranging and planning, and E. I am a member of prom committee and had duties at the actual prom.

In the middle of that, I got word that a student's mom had lost her car. We got through the weekend (my dad came home from the hospital with news of an upcoming heart surgery) and I planned to address the car need on Monday.

On Sunday night, I got a text reminding me that I needed to come up with a plan, so I started trying. I'm sure it will be an entire post for a future time (maybe the one that explains my career change, haha!), but I have come to realize that finding resources is absolutely impossible and even the ones you can find aren't easy to use or navigate or understand. Sunday night, I was just MAD. It's NOT FAIR that things are either easy or hard for people through no fault of their own, but their circumstances. It's NOT FAIR that the systems are so impossible to utilize.

I spent my planning period on Monday calling agencies and wild-goose-chasing random employees of my school and school system for a plan. The problem, like all issues in these cyclical situations, is that there is more than just one issue. Monday afternoon, I took her home from school and made more calls to agencies. Again, nothing but dead ends and useless tries.

Monday night, I had moved into frustrated planning mode. I got some suggestions from a few friends, but I was annoyed by many pieces of the puzzle, most of which I need to keep to myself. As I told a friend last night when I was so frustrated I was almost crying, "I guess I just have some really big feelings about this."

By Tuesday, after more dead ends and few return phone calls or follow ups (thanks, though, to Lisa Wylie and Kelli Kyle who sent me some great information), I was feeling beaten down. I had a little bit of a window before I needed a school transportation plan and that window closes Wed afternoon, so Tuesday midday was feeling tight. Another agency I talked to today was a good option for some things (I have to be vague), but I needed to talk to the mom of my student about it and the only way to do that was going to be to call her. This was a problem because: I HATE talking on the phone, I had no idea how to broach very personal life situations with her, I don't know her really at all, I had no idea how she was going to react to me basically butting in, and you can't read tone on the phone.

In addition, I could not get ahead for a second on anything school-related and all of my tomorrows for "I'll do that tomorrow" are getting gone. In addition, I have a big day planned tomorrow for all three classes that requires lots of set up and I have no time, no place, no opportunity, and no way to do it (no planning period tomorrow either). In the midst of all this, I got a text from Kraig that the Christmas gifts for the SP sweetie we are buying for are due TODAY and I haven't thought a thing about it, much less purchased them. SO. That means a trip shopping this afternoon, which was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I already needed to go to Aldi for ingredients for two events I'm having to make food for tomorrow. Now THIS would mean WALMART. We went to see my grandparents after school and I called Kraig to tell him I would just need to come back out tonight and shop because my invalid child didn't need to walk around Walmart. Kraig said to just bring the boys to him and he would take them home and I could just take the girls.

I have spent all afternoon feeling hopeless. I even posted on fb and said, "My righteous indignation is gone. Now I'm just annoyed, frustrated, tired, and sad. Also I'm still teaching and mom'ing. Please keep praying for my dad. That's all I've got for today." When I put that post up, my thought was, "I guess it's time to walk away. I don't know where to turn from here, I don't know how to help, and maybe it's useless anyway. I tried."

{Enter: Walmart Miracle}

The girls and I did our shopping in record time, found everything for sweet J for Christmas, got what I needed for the food I needed to fix, and headed out. It took a minute of disorientation to realize it when we couldn't find the car, but as we crossed the main drive of Walmart, I realized we had come out the opposite door we went in. The girls were all three talking and I wasn't listening at all. Finally, one phrase cut through my depressed and martyred stupor: "I think that was ____'s {student whose mom lost her car} mom." I stopped in the middle of the Walmart parking lot. WHAT??? These girls of mine have seen this woman in ONE picture. That's it. No way they recognized her. WHERE??? They point to the sidewalk outside Walmart and said, "Sitting on the ground with the buggy." From where I was, I could see only the buggy. I sent them on to the car and headed back just to see, still doubting so seriously it could be her.

I don't even need to tell you this, but.... IT WAS. And I was able to sit down beside her on the ledge outside Walmart, face to face, and talk to her about their situation, their needs, a plan, agencies I had talked to, specific information, and her feelings on getting help. No need to worry about a phone call or not knowing how she would respond. BUT. GOD. I didn't walk away from our talk with everything figured out, but I walked away armed with needed information, with her blessing to continue to make efforts, and with HOPE. I don't need to worry that it's beyond my scope because, as Priscilla Shirer and Gideon are showing me, it's at the end of me that He shows up. I looked up into that brilliant blue sky above a Walmart parking lot and I just smiled so big at a good God who knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

I got in the car with my girls who were waiting to hear how their amazing observation skills and their caring hearts had paid off and I said, "God is SO MUCH bigger than we are." Emma said, "That is EXACTLY what I just said." As I told them about our conversation, my cryer cried out of a heart of compassion, my doer proposed a plan of action, and my giver said, "I have some money. Not much, but a lil' bit. You can have it for them." {It has to be noted that my giver has been on the receiving end for much of her life and she understands what it means to be in need.}

I am still blown away. I cannot comprehend how many things had to fall in place for me to be at Walmart at that exact moment, for my girls to recognize a woman they had seen in ONE picture, and for that scenario to fall into place. Don't doubt God. He's even on the Walmart sidewalk, the LAST place I would expect him to be.