Thou Forever Will Be

Music is never played in the hex where my classroom is. However, after a particularly challenging morning full of lots of doubts and insecurities and ill feelings, as I was sitting at my desk, steeped in despair, I heard the strains of "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I've always thought of that song as a praise in the sense of a song you sing when things are going well and looking up. 

Morning by morning new mercies I see! All I have needed Thy hand hath provided! Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside! Up, up, up, all happy and cheery! 

Today, though, it hit me differently. This year, everything in my life has felt different. I am different this year. And I feel broken and let down and punished and heartsick and guilty for feeling all of the above. I am questioning everything I have always known. At some point, everything that has always made sense.... well, stopped.

 But the God of the previous 14 years of my career is the same God of this last day of the 15th. The God of my childhood and my children's childhoods with grandparents who are strong and whole and present is the same God of the last days of them living at home. The God of my optimism and pep and certainty in parenting and my children's future is the same God of this past week of insecurity and fear. The God of seeking company and social events is the same God of a desire for solitude. The God of the huge successes is the same God of failure and defeat. 

There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

I don't think the moments of that song floating over my weary, broken soul were accidental. And I don't think the fact that it was THAT song, the one I already have such an emotional connection to from this past summer in Israel was accidental either. He is faithful. No matter the circumstances, He is faithful. And I am so thankful that He forever will be.

Look Up

I'm not a runner. Nor, actually, am I a water-walker. So I guess it's perfectly understandable that keeping my head up and my eyes focused ahead of me doesn't come naturally to me at all. And I guess that I should probably heed the message the Lord has sent me twice in the past three days... Actually more than twice, because I bet I heard it tonight at least 15 times as I stood at the track meet, timing clicker in hand, watching runner after runner go past. Over and over, Coach Frazier or Coach Thomas would yell out, "Look up!" "Keep your head up!" "Eyes out front!" I fully understand not looking behind you-- who has time for that? But my natural inclination is to look down and I can guarantee you that if I was running full speed down the track (can we take a moment and giggle at THAT mental image???), flying toward hurdles, I would be watching my legs to make certain they fully cleared them and I didn't need to prepare for a crash landing. Apparently, though, even in hurdles, you keep your eyes fixed ahead. Emma and I talked about it a little on the way home and she mentioned something I had never heard nor thought of before, even in lessons about Peter walking on the water and starting to sink when he looked down. She said that if you look down or around, you lose your momentum (I understand that concept) and you get dizzy. That's not something I have heard of, but as someone who is prone to a literal AND figurative dizziness, that hit home with me.

My family loves to take cruises. I do too, but I love them for the days in port. My ideal cruise would be one where I was just teleported from port to port and was never on the ship. In other words.... I guess not a cruise at all... ;) I don't enjoy the time on the ship because I am extremely sensitive to its movements. They all say that it's all in my mind but it is NOT. My equilibrium is whack. Plain and simple. I am the same way in old houses where the floor isn't totally level. I can feel it immediately and it makes me dizzy.

Dizziness is such a weird feeling-- or is it even a feeling??? It's not painful-- not aching or sharp or dull. It's just... Dizzy. Your head feels spinny and the ground feels unsteady and you feel a little sick. It's an empty sort of feeling. It's the dream that gets lost along life's journey, the loved one who's just beyond your reach, the passion that has lost its shine, the career that has suddenly betrayed you, the faith that shifts beneath your feet, the friends whose conversations die too quickly. When you're dizzy, everything that seemed solid and firm feels uneven and fragile.

 And the other really tough part about dizziness is that it's not something you immediately seek medical attention for, nor is it something you can easily put into words. In 2013, I was physically dizzy for about six months, off and on. It turns out it was a mixture of a hyperventilation incident (waiting my turn for a public speaking engagement, mind you-- I knew that first time I was breathing into a paper bag in Mrs. Hawes's public speaking class in 11th grade that it would kill me one day) that kind of threw my body into a weird cycle and dizzy migraines (which either started as a result of that or the timing happened to coincide perfectly with that day). It took me months to finally go to the doctor about it, and when I did, I felt like an idiot. Sharp pain in your side? Check, seek medical attention. Chest pains? Get help ASAP. Broken leg? Put a cast on that thing. Debilitating headache? You need a scan. Dizziness? Huh? It's just not something you feel legitimate about when you explain it to people. It feels... weak. And fake. And like you're fabricating an illness.

I think the sort of dizziness that comes from looking down and around instead of straight ahead in life is also really hard to put into words. It, too, feels like you're just looking at the negative side of things. It's one thing when you have some specific root for an actual pain. You can point to a situation and say, "This is the problem. This is what needs to be fixed." It's another when you just have to mumble around the rocks in your mouth at the question, "So how are things going?" "Um... They're going." Or "Well, it's hard right now." But the SPECIFICS, they aren't there.
It's hard because... I don't know.
I don't HURT, really...
I'm just ... Empty.
I just can't find level ground.
I just... don't have the words for it.
It's ... I'm dizzy.

I do know that you can only stay dizzy for so long before you will finally fall. And at THAT point, there WILL be a specific pain or cause to point to. And there will likely be some damage, too. The level of damage will just depend on how hard you fall. And how far.

So I guess the obvious answer here, the one that I heard Coach Frazier call out to middle school athlete after middle school athlete, is to just LOOK UP. Don't look around, don't look down, look up. Look past this hurdle, let go of the fear of falling, look past this person trying desperately to beat you, look beyond your aching body and your weary soul, and LOOK UP. Lift your eyes to the goal (Phil 3:14-15). Or lift them to the hills, from whence comest your Help (Psalm 121:1-2). Maybe some seasons of life are naturally shaky. Maybe some are going to be unsteady. But you just need to open your ears to the Coach, running that last leg beside you, gently reminding you to LOOK UP.

Abundance

Tonight feels so very heavy. This year has felt full of tragedy and heartbreak, collectively, for our community. In the past month, my heart has hurt deeply for students and former students, for coworkers, for friends, for church members. Last week the death of Joey Feek, though I didn't know her or any of her family personally, weighed heavily in my mind. Loss and impending loss have hovered all afternoon and evening, covering us like a thick haze. I can't quit thinking about daughterless parents and motherless children and wifeless husbands. I can't quit thinking about teenagers who feel unloved and unwanted, who are failed by the system, who just need one thing to go right. I can't quit thinking about little guys and little girls who are abused by the people who are supposed to tenderly care for them. 

In light of all of this, and in case someone else is struggling this weekend, I wanted to share my notes from the Abundance conference. Skim through or read carefully, but let the words seep in because you might need them more than you even realize, as I did.

"King of the World"
Natalie Grant (not to be confused with AMY Grant) did a concert on Friday night. She sang lots of beautiful songs, but one absolutely captivated me and I know it was because I am living right in the middle of what she was talking about in the song. I am especially in need of this song every time I think about the impending Presidential election, because quite frankly it is scaring me absolutely to death. The chorus goes like this:
"When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?"

Annie Downs

Having a full life doesn't mean you have an abundant life

Abundance is plentifulness of the good things of life

Acts 16
Lydia is a woman probably much like us. On the Sabbath, she was sitting with her friends by the river. She had a job-- a dealer in purple cloth. She had a household, she had houseguests. She had religious practices and a full life. However, something was missing for her. When Paul told her about Jesus, she couldn't resist.

Verse 40

Stuff and friendships and a job you love and a house to take care of and religious practices aren't enough. Jesus brings abundant life.

John 10:10

How is it abundance when we don't have everything we want?

It's about Jesus changing how you see what He has already given you.

He gives you new eyes to see what you have.

Luke 2:36-- Anna

If you want the abundant life, stay here because He is here.

Don't ignore the places of hurt and pretend your life has given you everything; it doesn't have to be. But it can be abundant because it's about Jesus. When the hard days come, you can still go to bed happy and know that He is still good.

Curtis Jones

Luke 8

If all that we preach and read isn't true in both the glory and the grind, then it's not true.

If it's not true when you're shattered AND when you're healed, it's not true.

John was faithful when the rest were not. 

There's nothing done in the kingdom that is not based on simple, unseen tasks.

Jesus tells us to pray because He knows what's coming for us.

John's glory and grind

Crucifixion and empty tomb

You need a Theology of Yes-- to believe we have a God who loves saying yes to us

We will have a moment where we will make a request and the answer will be no.

Jesus shows it's possible to have a theology of yes, I don't know, and no bc HE did.

In the Garden, He heard no.

Bc Jesus drank from His cup, when it's my turn to drink from MY cup, I'm going to survive. 

We can be faithful and faithfilled people.

Natalie Grant

We learn more about the character of the God we serve in the storm than we ever do on the mountaintop.

Hosea 2

Lisa Harper

Acts 12:12

Jesus touched the leper while he was still hideously disformed, filthy, and legally untouchable.

Lysa Terkeurst

II Chronicles 20:2

Three armies were coming against Jehosophat.

It's possible to hold so tight to Jesus that you have a reaction that surprises you.

Reactions determine so much about the future trajectory of what God wants to do in your life.

If we can learn to have better reactions, we will eventually have better relationships.

Verse 3-- Alarmed, J resolved to inquire of the Lord.

His name is bookended in two realities-- alarmed and resolved.

Feelings, while wonderful indicators that something is at hand that must be addressed, are poor dictators.

God gave emotions for us to experience life, not destroy life.

Resolved means he had already predetermined the first place he would turn when something happened.

He resolved to inquire and proclaim a fast.

Every day is a daily feeding of that resolve if you give your thoughts to the Lord.

You must exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world.

Wherever I apply my mind first is going to saturate me most deeply. When I get squeezed, the Lord is what's going to leak out if that's what we have saturated ourselves in.

Desperation leads to revelation.

Verse 5- we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you.

We stare at the problem and magnify it while God is saying fix your eyes on my presence and my promise.

The more we press in, the more we magnify God.

Verse 15-- the battle is not yours, but God's

I will honor my God in this moment.

My job is to be obedient to God.

When you don't know what to do, get into God's word and let God's word get into you.

God's job is to figure out everything else.

Verse 18- he bowed down with his face to the ground and they worshipped the Lord

Not worship FOR my circumstances, but in the MIDST of them.

When is the last time we have been in that posture?

Proverbs 11:2 humility opens the door to wisdom

Pride says I'm going to numb myself and I can handle this

It's not true

In humility before the Lord, saying I don't know what to do but asking Him to let us worship

If I respond in pride, it's my right to be right

Pride and disgrace always hold hands, humility and wisdom always hold hands

Verse 21-- he gets his battle strategy

The highest form of power is found in praise, not in strength and weapons

Verse 24-- looked toward that vast army and saw only dead bodies lying on the ground

Verse 29-- and the fear of God came upon all of the surrounding kingdoms when they heard how the Lord had brought victory

***I came home this weekend with two major takeaways. There was a recurring theme at this conference of getting into His word and into prayer. This goes perfectly hand in hand with what I feel like our new Pastor and his sweet wife have been modeling for us at South Cleveland. I was deeply convicted when Lysa Terkeurst said that she always checked social media and email and voicemail every morning before spending time with the Lord until she realized that, when squeezed, whatever she had saturated herself in is what came out. Her phrase, "You must exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world" just about knocked me over. I am making a vow to spend more time in His word and in communion with Him. This is an area I have struggled with for as long as I can remember and there just isn't an excuse. The other message that struck me deeply were the reminders about reaction and perspective. I am probably the world's worst about tunnel vision, about seeing my surroundings through my human eyes instead of allowing God to show me His view. That is something else I'm going to focus on over the coming months.

The Time is Now

This past week, one of my all-time favorite writers and bloggers, Ann Voskamp, posted a letter on her blog. The letter was to three year old Aylan Kurdi, the Syrian toddler who drowned in the Mediterranean during his family's desperate attempt to get to safety. It is beautiful and it is heartbreaking and it is something that should be read by everyone. At the end of her letter, she called for others to pen letters to Aylan. My letter is below.

Dear Aylan,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have been so preoccupied with my own silly, trivial life things that I somehow forgot that there are three year olds who are losing their lives in an attempt to save them.

I'm sorry that last Wednesday, I was caught up in news of an impending pastoral change at my church and didn't even see the pictures or hear your name until days after your death.

I'm sorry that, because it's easier to look away in this life, sometimes I choose to do exactly that.

I'm sorry that I teach and preach empathy and often forget to exercise it myself.

I'm sorry that I have never lived in a place of danger, that I have never feared for the safety of my daughters, that I don't know what it's like to lose everything to try and gain something.

I'm sorry that because your reality isn't mine, sometimes I don't see that your reality exists.

I'm just sorry.

But I am also hopeful, and I am awakened, and I am promising you that I will be vigilant with your memory. In the same spirit as another little boy, many years and many miles away, you have reminded me that just because it seems like the entire world is looking away doesn't actually mean they are. There will be those who stand beside, who reach out, who speak up. And I believe that we are raising up a generation who will be the standers, the reachers, and the speakers.

In Sadness and Hope,
Athena Davis

There are lots of ways we can help. Ann has another post entitled "Why Now is the Church's Moment and It Will Take All of Us Not to Miss It" in which she details ways in which we can take action. My Holocaust Literature class is getting started right now on some plans. What can you do?

For the Love of Free Stuff

As aware as I am that I still have much blogging to do about my trip (and I am reminded every time I open my blog dashboard because I created new posts with topics for each post I want to do and so there they are, silently mocking me and my lack of time every single time I open it up), I need to interrupt the regularly (overdue) scheduled Israel blogging to write my post on Jen Hatmaker's new book, For the Love!

I was BEYOND overjoyed many, many months ago when, after a friend sent me the link and suggested I apply, I applied at the very last minute and was given a spot on Jen Hatmaker's launch team for this new book. This was my first time to serve on a launch team (although time #2 came on the heels of that one and THAT book comes out tomorrow as well! blog on it to come!) and it was so much fun!

I think the first time I heard Jen was back in 2012 at the dotMom conference. (2011? Not even sure.) Anyway, she made the most powerful impression on me and I rushed back home to pick up a copy of her book called 7. To say that 7 changed my life is an understatement. I feel that it was a path I might have naturally been headed down, but that book was the catalyst that has driven nearly every activity and focus and passion since I read it. I followed it with her husband's (Brandon) book, The Barefoot Church. I know this blog is about Jen ;) but somehow, Brandon's book hit me even harder than 7 had.

Since that fall, I have heard Jen at least three more times and am currently reading Interrupted, the book that actually came before 7. It will shake you around a lot too! I am, unabashedly, a Jen Hatmaker groupie. And do you know why I don't feel weird about that? Because Jen Hatmaker is a Jesus groupie and everything she writes, says, and lives is testament to that fact.

For the Love is just... beautiful. It contains all of her poetic language, her depth of thought, and her unique way of being the vehicle that Jesus uses to drip His love all over you. It also contains her ridiculous wit, her hilarious commentary, and the strange ability she has to make you feel like you are sitting in her kitchen, chatting with her, through her writing.

I talk to my AP kids about classics. One of the criteria for a classic is that it must have multiple layers of meaning and appeal to a broad audience. This book does both of those things and so much more. Our launch group runs the gamut, from high school all the way to... a long way from high school. ;) Each person in this group has testified to having gotten so much from this book. You will NOT be disappointed if you purchase this book. You will laugh hysterically on one page and wipe at tear drops on the pages on the next. Honestly, the chapter she writes to her children is enough reason alone to purchase the book. As a teacher and a mom, I had to stop reading it in public because the other patrons of Superfly were concerned that I was suffering some sort of inner tragedy based on the heaving sobs I was choking back.

I'm doing a double giveaway for Launch Day. I want to randomly select two people, one to receive the book and one to receive a tshirt I designed with my very favorite quote from the book: Be Kind, Be You, Love Jesus.

All you need to do is sign up for Jen's emails OR, if you're already receiving those nuggets, just follow her on any social media platform (pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram). You can sign up for her emails just by entering your email address in the bar in the middle of her homepage. The link is http://jenhatmaker.com/home.htm . Simply leave a comment here to let me know you followed, including your email address so I can let you know if you win and get your mailing info. Drawing is only open to continental US. :)

Happy Tuesday, happy launch day!

Winners were: Lauren Haun (tee shirt since she already had the book) and Wanda Williams!
 Thanks for playing, friends!

Doing Good versus Doing Nothing

We spent one entire day on resistance. When I teach resistance, the most commonly known example that my kids have heard of is the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising. And I do spend a day of class discussing that. However, resistance is so much more than armed resistance, than a fight against the perpetrators with sticks and knives and guns. There was a great quote that I heard in our studies on that day and it was, "Resistance doesn't have to be with a gun and a bullet. Sometimes, the easiest resistance is with a gun and a bullet."

I think about Ghandi, about Martin Luther King, Jr., about so many throughout history who have proven that sometimes the harder fight (and more effective one) takes the path of nonviolent resistance. Resistance in the Holocaust took on many forms other than that of partisan fighters... it was cultural, it was spiritual.

The mother who gave her piece of bread to her starving child... the artists who drew and painted with anything they could find on scraps of paper, rocks, walls, and fabric... the teenagers who scribbled poetry and journal entries on pieces of trash... the doctors in the Warsaw Ghetto who knew they were starving and so decided to do studies on themselves as they starved to death, leaving behind a study called Hunger and Disease in the Warsaw Ghetto: Non Omnis Moriar ("I Shall Not Wholly Die"), which was found after the Holocaust and used in medical schools for years afterward... the exams given to students in clandestine schools in the Lodz Ghetto because "God forbid we come to the end of this experience and have a generation of idiots"... the men who wore hats over their kipas so that, in saluting the Nazis, they didn't have to lift their kipa off their head... the people in the camps who continued to practice their faith, even fasting in a place where daily life looked like fasting...

The beauty of educating about this type of resistance is that it enables me to teach my students that being a hero doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it's being the only person in a class who tells a teacher when there is a derogatory group message or a twitter ridicule. Sometimes it's making a choice to befriend everyone, no matter what one's social group has to say about it. Sometimes it's speaking up for your faith or your race or your nationality.

It also enlarges the view of the heroic for all of us. In all of our lives, someone (or many someone's) are watching. They are watching our Christians responded to the Supreme Court ruling on homosexual marriage, how Southerners responded to the Confederate flag question, how Americans responded to domestic terror. My students watched my response to all of those things, and many more, on social media. My daughters watch my response to the homeless man in the grass beside Walmart. I always use a piece with my students when I teach personal responsibility called "Always Go to the Funeral". It has a few lines in it that are so powerful to me:

"In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing."

The Sound (and Lights) and the FURY

One of our more humorous experiences of the trip happened the night of the Tower of David Sound and Lights show. We got back from class and had almost two hours before we were supposed to meet (those who wanted to) for our optional excursion to the Sound and Lights show. A little group of us girls decided to go eat dinner at "my restaurant" in Mamilla Mall before the show and just planned to meet the rest of the group outside the Tower of David. Our meal took a little longer than we anticipated but we left in plenty of time to get to (what we thought was) the appointed meeting place at the appointed time.

So we waited... and waited... and waited... and finally I went to the Tower to see if they might have already gone in and the person working the entry said the Yad Vashem group was already inside the walls. I went back and got my buddies and we went in where we caught sight of the backs of a few of our group members as they were swallowed up by the crowd entering the courtyard where the show took place. We asked at the gate if we could go in (without tickets) since our group had already entered and they refused, sending us to the ticket window. We tried the ticket window and explained that our group left us without our tickets. They refused to allow us to enter, even though they had proof of payment for 37 from Yad Vashem. The man at the gate came to talk to the ticket sellers (all of this in an unknown tongue... ;) ) and then we were sent back to a younger guy at the gate. Meanwhile, ALL of the waiting crowd had gone in and the show was soon to start. A teenage girl and her mom was at the gate, listening to all of this transpire. The younger girl kept talking to the boy at the gate and I gathered she was working on our behalf (in Hebrew).

Finally, the man who was in charge came to the gate and told the boy he could not allow us to go in, no matter what all we offered (including getting our tickets and bringing them back, getting a group member to bring them out, etc). At that point, the mother of this teenage girl starts LETTING THE OLDER MAN HAVE IT. I mean, she was wearing him out. They kept screaming back and forth at each other in Hebrew and we were basically just swiveling heads like people at a tennis match. I also caught myself nodding along with her, which was hilarious considering I had no clue what she was saying. FINALLY, she must have prevailed because he agreed to let one of us go in to find our group and the other two had to go all the way around the Tower of David to the exit, meeting the one who went in for the tickets. (This is what lead to my roommate, Tiffany, crawling up and down rows in the dark whispering, "Yad Vashem! Yad Vashem!" which is basically the equivalent of whispering, "Holocaust Museum! Holocaust Museum!" in a dark movie theater in the US...)

As we turned to run around to the exit, I looked at the lady and her daughter and said, "Thank you all so very much. We REALLY appreciate it." She said, "I told him I was ASHAMED he treat you this way! ASHAMED of my countryman, treating guests like that!" :) I walked away with a newfound resolve to speak up more often when I see situations where I can help someone out, especially when there is a language barrier.

That angry Israeli lady was our friend that night. :)