I Don't Know What to Do With My Arms and Other Mental Issues

So this past week, I received a massage gift certificate from my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was with a lady in WV who I obviously didn't know, so it actually should have been doubly relaxing because it removed any potential awkwardness. (And the fact that I even thought of awkwardness in reference to a relaxing massage is exactly the point of this blog post.)

Anyway, they even scheduled it for me (which is the main reason I let many gift certificates expire and let my gray hair grow way past its time to color-- I HATE CALLING TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS!), which was awesome. All I had to do was show up. Well, that's all I should have had to do. And that's all I hope my daughters WILL one day do.

I know that I am partially crazy. And I know that I am an incredibly anxious person and that my mind never slows down and that I stay insecure and worried about things. I have come to terms with all of this. However, I realized on Saturday that it is past the point of ridiculous. And truthfully, I'm not so certain that it is abnormal to females or that I am in the minority. And it worries me for the future of my daughters.

What is "it"? As the soft music played and the fireplace radiated heat and this lady with incredible hands worked tried to work the tension from my body on that snowy Saturday morning, my mind was SPINNING. It started from the first moment... "Are my arms supposed to go to my sides or by my face?" "Is my face right in this contraption?" "Did I miss any spots shaving my legs?" "Should I stay silent or talk to her?" And it continued in that vein for nearly the entire massage. Let me tell you, when you are worried that you aren't even RELAXING properly, there is a problem. And I wasn't because I spent the entire hour either thinking of things that I have coming up or things I needed to do or worrying that I was doing something wrong!

Again, I will accept that I am very abnormal in many ways. However, I think it's commonplace today in females to worry about doing things RIGHT.... to constantly be concerned with how others see us... to worry about the impression we are making... to stress over the details. (And I'm not trying to be sexist-- maybe just as many males worry about the same things, but I don't think I know any of them who do.)

Not only do I not want to be that way, though I am afraid at 35 I have to accept that I not only AM that way but always will be, but I don't want my daughters to be that way. And I don't know how to teach them otherwise, especially when I am so flawed in these ways. I do try very hard to not voice my concerns and thoughts around them, but rather keep that running inner dialogue mostly internal, but I know that they probably will pick up on it.

In fact, they were playing Just Dance this past week and as I watched the spectrum of ages (4-15), you could see the difference. The younger ones danced with reckless abandon while the older girls were obviously conscious of people watching. And sadly, I could already see the change in Emma, at NINE. NINE YEARS OLD and she was clearly aware of and inhibited by her family watching her.

I don't know. I don't know how to make it right or if maybe it is one of those innate self-protective instincts that we actually need. But I do know that it pains me to think that there is a future of never being able to fully relax in store for other females.

Because just once, I sure would like to get a massage without worrying about where my arms go.