A Confession

In the interest of full disclosure, I want to confess something. I've tried to be as transparent as possible through this adoption process, just as I try to live as transparently as possible. I know that there are those who feel that I overshare in some ways, but I feel so strongly that our lives are meant to be lived to glorify Him and to point others toward Him and that sometimes that means letting people see the ugly as well as the beautiful.

Our family just finished The Circle Maker in our weekly family meetings/devotionals. I read on my own the week before, making notes, then I sort of "teach" a section or chapter to them each week, discussing together and such. This past week, I read a passage in that book that forced me to admit something shameful to myself (something I had not actually done yet) and then to my family.

The passage at hand says this:

When you live by faith, it often feels like you are risking your reputation. You're not. You're risking God's reputation. It's not your faith that is on the line. It's His faithfulness. Why? Because God is the one who made the promise, and He is the only one who can keep it. The battle doesn't belong to you; it belongs to God. And because the battle doesn't belong to you, neither does the glory. God answers prayer to bring glory to His name, the name that is above all names. Drawing prayer circles isn't about proving yourself to God; it's about giving God an opportunity to prove Himself to you. 

In the days before our I800 approval, I started (ten days before) doing a countdown on social media. I am being so truthful when I say that I only had TWO days between August and March 3 (the day of our approval for our Sweet 3-- 3/3-- Does God like to be clever much? :) ) that I even doubted for a minute that we were going to get the approval in time. So when I started that countdown, I was excited to do it and see when God was going to come through. I KNEW it would be on time, just didn't know when.

I posted the 10 day countdown post:

I posted the 9 day countdown post:

I remember exactly how I felt when that verse settled into my spirit. STAND STILL AND SEE THIS GREAT THING THE LORD IS ABOUT TO DO BEFORE YOUR EYES. WOW. I also remember on that day, I got a message from a DEAR friend (and please, dear friend, if you are reading this and realize it was you, please understand what I am saying here-- I know that you were just checking in on me and I appreciate the ways you always check in on me. Your message was not the issue. My heart was.) that said that he/she knew God was doing something great and wanted Him to have the glory but he/she wanted to check in with how I was feeling on the inside. I gut-checked for a second. How was I feeling on the inside? Well, still very confident and faithful. For sure. But what if........  

There is no Day 8 post. 

I was on a trip with my students in DC, I was busy, and .... if I were totally honest, maybe I wasn't so sure. 

On Day 7, still in DC, I posted the photo below. 

See what I did in that one? I backed off from approval and instead shifted to getting our case assigned. That's when I started to give in to exactly what Mark Batterson was referring to above. I wasn't afraid GOD would look bad. I was afraid I would look foolish. What if I posted all the way down to Day 1, then THE DAY, and nothing??? What would I say? I imagined people pitying us, not only for the fact that our son wouldn't get to come here (and who even knows what the next step would have been-- I never allowed myself to think that far), but also pitying me for the extravagant and public and flamboyant faith display. If there is one thing in this life I cannot tolerate thinking people are feeling toward me, it's pity. Give me your irritation, your eye rolls, your dislike, ANY of the negative emotions you feel, but please, please, please keep your pity. Pity makes me feel vulnerable and vulnerability is my nemesis. (Which happens to be the area God continues to force me to become, i.e., this very blog post...) 

There is no Day 6. By Day 6, I had decided that I couldn't risk my reputation and earning the pity of those around me. And so do you know what that means? I denied God a Day 5 post that would have been followed only hours after by a "WE GOT THE I800 APPROVAL!!!!!!!!" post. I thought it was my faith on the line when all along, it was His faithfulness. And His faithfulness NEVER fails. The craziest part of all of it is that I didn't ever doubt it in my heart. I knew we would get that approval by our deadline. But I still couldn't risk the public losing face that might happen if we didn't. As if it was ever mine to lose. 

As I told my family last night, I deeply regret the 3 days I lost. I regret that I don't have an 8, a 6, and a 5 to share with our kids one day as we tell them the story of God's work on their behalf. I regret that I let my own perceived reputation get in the way of the only reputation that has ever and will ever matter-- His. I feel like I denied Him 3 extra days of glory, even though it will still be such a powerful testimony. 

And for that, I am so sorry. But I love that the passage in the Batterson book brought about a scenario in which I would admit all of this to myself, share it with my family last night, and with you today. Because if nothing else, learn this from my fumbling attempts to let God be God of all: It isn't about your faith, it's about His faithfulness. And it never, ever, ever, ever fails.