He Used a Donkey. Surely He can Use Me.

I felt prompted to write this several times over the past week but didn't because PRIDE. Then again this morning, through a post from a friend who is going through something similar, I felt God pushing me to swallow my pride and say something that someone else might need to hear. So here we are.

It's not really something you probably should do, still being "evaluated " by social workers and only weeks before you add more kids to your parenting "resume"... admitting a mistake. But I am. And because I think there is a fine line between sharing my own failures so that someone else can be reassured and blasting my kids' poor decisions all over the internet, I will be selective about which forms of social media I share this on as well as how specific I am in my telling. This post isn't about the specific actions that led to this moment. It's about how to move forward.

For WEEKS, I have had a nagging fear that a child of mine was watching a popular show that is completely inappropriate for her age and possibly inappropriate for any age (I still haven't watched it so my jury is still out, although many people have many opinions about it)-- "Thirteen Reasons Why". However, every time I thought about it (and I am fully convinced this was the Holy Spitit prompting me), it's been a time that I couldn't ask her or check Netflix... the middle of the night, middle of the school day, a time when she wasn't home, etc.. Long story short, the timing finally matched up and I had Kraig check Netflix and I had been correct.

Let me say that there are several issues here. Number one and foremost, we are at fault. We did not do our part as parents in setting up the appropriate filters and limits on the Netflix accounts. We are the parents. That is OUR job. They are kids and they are WIRED to push limits. We blew it. However, there is fault on the part of our child as well. She knew full well what our expectations were as far as content and she knew from the first moment that we wouldn't approve. We don't have to make a list of accepted shows, movies, music, apps, etc.. She knows where our lines are and she didn't follow them. There is also a larger issue at play here in that you hope your kids develop their own principles and values that will guide them. Maybe 13 was a little young to see that play out in EVERY situation, so I told her until she developed a conscience of her own, she will have to just borrow mine. ;)

Finally, the main problem and the crux of this blog post is that she has now seen things she cannot unsee. We now have Netflix limits set, we are looking into internet filters, and we have had the moment of raging in anger and frustration frollowed by the rational consequences and discussion. I had a long talk with her about what she took away from the series, how she felt suicide was portrayed, what message she believes the show gives, the finality of death. It was, honestly, a really good talk and the lessons SHE took from the show were lessons I see as very valuable....

  Your words matter. 

You never know how things you say will affect another person. 

So while I feel a little better about it, the huge guilt is still there. And every time I get on fb, another article or blog post is staring me in the face, posted by a well-intentioned and informed parent:
"Why I would Never Let my Preteen Watch 13 Reasons Why"
"13 Reasons Why Your Kid Shouldn't Be Watching This Show"
"13 Reasons Why Blamed for Uptick in Youth Suicide"

And every time I see those, I have to remember that I was NOT an informed parent.
{Compounded by all of this is the fact that only 5 days after THIS discovery, we learned that BOTH girls had an app we didn't approve and one of them had a social media account we had said no to. The bright side is that I searched these and everything was not only fully harmless, but kind of sweet... HOWEVER, it's still deception. So we had THAT battle last weekend, followed by rational consequences and discussion. And not only are things feeling genuinely good at our house now, it has provided opportunities for discussion and solved a problem we had in that we didn't know how to handle our bio kids having devices and not giving them to our new 3. Now NO ONE has devices! Problem solved! :) }

So what do you do when your failures are screaming at you from every side? When you, the informed person in regard to teens, has let something slip? When you have these big fears that maybe this is all a reaction to the changes coming in your house, that what if a secret instagram of goofy falling videos and pics of friends with Bible verses and silly captions is a gateway to premarital sex and a lifestyle of drugs? When you feel crushed under the weight of a guilt that maybe you've been too preoccupied with people who aren't here to appropriately monitor the ones who are?

Or maybe for someone else in other situations: What do you do when the damage has already been done? You can take precautions, you can respond differently in the future, but what's been seen is seen, the seeds have been planted, the friends have been made, the bad choices are made, the dabbling has been done? When you have already "messed up" in your parenting and you can't undo the situation?

As God has been reassuring me this week, you keep going. You keep loving that kid, you keep communicating with him or her, you reassure that child of yours that love isn't conditional and neither is your presence. And then you give it all back to God again, just as you have so many times in the past. We don't just dedicate our children to the Lord as babies. We hand them back over to Him every year, weekly, DAILY. With every mistake, every poor choice, every "teenage moment", you recommit them to Him. He goes beyond internet filters, car tracking devices, and breathalyzers. He is everywhere we can't be and He loves them more than we ever could.

And then you let Him love YOU. Just as your kids make mistakes no matter how carefully you try to teach them, HIS kid (YOU) make mistakes too. And He doesn't want you to live crushed by guilt. He doesn't want your past errors to take away your confidence in the future. Nothing is too messy that God can't redeem it. No matter how dumb you feel and how much your pride hurts, you are still His joy and as long as you're trying, He is in it. God used a donkey. Surely He can use a parent who is trying their level best, against all odds and against a world and society and technology that seems out to get us. Between you and God, you've got this.