2017: Hold

Hold

/hōld/

verb

1. grasp, carry, or support with one's arms or hands.

noun

1. an act or manner of grasping something; a grip.

2. a fortress

My 2017 word, chosen in retrospect in this final day of 2017, is "hold". It was a year of holding to faith, to God, to my people, to the plow, to a Promise, to community. It was a year of building a fortress around our nuclear family and holding to each other and to home. It was a year of learning what to hold with tightly clasped hands and what to hold open-palmed, and learning to live more open-palmed. I am thankful for this year and the many blessings it has brought to us. I'm thankful for a year to hold fast to a Savior and His Will, for Him to prove his faithfulness. 

This year can be divided exactly and neatly into two halves in nearly every way. The first half was spent in a strange limbo as every aspect of our lives felt like we were stretched between two dimensions, trying to cherish and love the four who were here, knowing this time would never be again, and simultaneously feeling like we were missing our other halves. The wait was frustrating and faithbuilding and anxiety-inducing. At the same time, I had such an incredible last semester of the school year and felt so treasured by my classes and my people. We spent the first half of 2017 astounded at the glory of the Lord and His provision, as people poured out their support for our adoption. The first half was spent on uneasy ground after an election that drew sharp lines through communities and friendships and families. The first half was a frantic whirlwind of activity as we rearranged our entire house, fundraised like crazy people, and continued our regular activities and schedules. We had some parenting trials and some parenting fails in the spring of 2017, sparking some doubt in my mind that we were equipped for adding 3 more kids to parent. Because see, that's what the devil does when you are following God's call. He throws anything he can in your path to trip you up and bring doubt. 

The trip to the Philippines in June (straight from Royal Family, which will always amaze me with its appropriateness of timing) was the line between the two halves of the year for us. Our entire lives, our family, our world, changed in that week, changes all for the better. It was there and then that we found our completion to our family unit.

The second half of 2017 was vastly different than the first. Instead of the whirlwind of activity, we entered a season (at least of a few months) of almost unsettling calm. Our summer days were long and our nights even longer. No longer engaged in our own individual pursuits, our family was spending all of our time together in one room, playing games or watching movies, or outside for long summer nights playing volleyball or basketball or running around, sitting around the patio talking. We were feeling our way with each other, trying to figure out who we all were now that we were "we". We were falling in love not only with our new kids, but with the new selves we became with them. I will forever remember the summer of 2017 as the sweetest and scariest season of my life, spent relearning everything I thought I knew about everything, waiting on attachments to form rather than forcing them, and realizing for 100% certainty that Emma and Kelsey have grown into everything I ever hoped they would be. 

Then the school year started and with it the realization that dropping off and sending forth newly adopted teenagers to their first day of American public school is every bit as terrifying as leaving your kindergartner on his or her first day. We developed our new routines and rhythms with school and jobs and sports and church and activities. Everyone thrived, and most days it felt like I did too. The biggest adjustment for me this year came from having two kids at my school with me. I had always looked forward to that moment and in many ways it was as wonderful as I expected, but it has brought some challenges as well when your colleagues play different roles in the lives of your kids and you have to balance mom and coworker. My classes this semester have been awesome, although I have worried at times that I haven't connected with them like I normally do, and in those moments I wonder if I've reached the end of my reservoir of connection, if I'm pouring it all out at home and there just isn't enough left for school. 

In fact, connection.... true, genuine, authentic connection.... is something I have missed in my life this year. Partly due to lack of time and energy, maybe partly due to other reasons, we haven't had social experiences like we did in the past. We don't do couples dates, we never have people over, I don't go to girls nights, we never get asked to anyone else's house, no cousins clubs happened this year. I have missed those things somewhat, or maybe I just miss the IDEA of them. I have felt this entire year that there was a wall between me and much of my family and many of my friends and members of my various communities. And I don't know for certain what it was, though I do have my suspicions, but I hope to scale those walls in the coming year.

I turned 40 this year. It wasn't anything like I hoped and yet somehow it was even better. I had planned to have a big party (and I still plan to in the summer) and it just didn't feel worth it, so I didn't do it. It fell on Thanksgiving, which is the absolute worst case scenario in a first world, perfectly healthy sort of way. However, my sweet husband and beautiful friends arranged for one of the most special nights I can remember and it was absolute perfection. My mom and my family did an awesome party at her house before we left for West Virginia. My gifts this year top any occasion I can remember. It was the least painful and most fun 40th I ever didn't know I wanted.

This fall semester has been proof that God knew exactly what He was doing when He put my family together, from those long nights of AOL Instant Messaging with Kraig in 1998 to that beautiful baby with exquisite lips and a perfect hairline in 2003 to that adorable and gigantic fuzzy-headed baby with the gorgeous eyes that saw straight through to your soul in 2005 to the breathtaking black-haired trio with the shy smiles and sparkling eyes in August of 2016. We are blessed, we are loved, and we are each other's.

And now I'm ready to wake tomorrow in a new year, a year that will only know us as 7, a year of creating new memories and hope. A year to settle in and love deep and reach out. A year of hopefully calm waters and deeper faith. A year to build something that will last.