More. And Enough.

On the last day of the year, I spent some time looking back and looking forward. In the past few years, as I think is the norm for progressing through your 40’s, I’ve either gotten to know myself better than I ever have or I have realized that I am different from who I once was. Either way, there has been an increased self-awareness, self-realization, and self-actualization that has taken place inside of me. 

So this year, in looking forward, I want two things that seem contradictory. I want more. And I want what I have to be enough.

I want More. More of what makes me feel like…. well…. ME.

More intentional time with the people I love. 

More books.

More making my house look like I want it to look instead of what home design people say it should look.

More trips.

More nature.

More gently guiding the kids in my classroom to fall in love with the words on a page.

More speaking up when someone needs to.

More staying quiet when my contribution can’t change anything.

More hikes.

More beautiful places, not just away but also right here at home.

More chasing the dreams I want to have shape my later years.

More thrilling rides with my kids through their decisive young adult years.

More lists.

More plans.

More running out with Kraig when what I really want is to stay at home.

More gray hair. 

More pictures.

More healthy work.

More attention to my mental health.

More saying no when it really isn’t something that makes me or someone else better.

More saying no when it might be something that makes me or someone else better but it isn’t the right time.

More saying no sometimes when I really just don’t want to.

More snow days.

More sunshine.

More shivelight.

More time with the friends who make me laugh and happy to be in this life.

More of Him. More time with Him. More about Him.

But at the same time, I want to come to know and rest in Enough.

I want to be content with exactly what I have.

I don’t want to hear people talking about this material thing or that material thing, even if it’s a material thing I have always, always, always wanted, and feel a sense of lack.

I don’t want to question the skills or abilities or giftings that I know I have, that I have proven over and over, because of someone else’s {uninformed} opinion or view. 

I don’t want to buy into the lie that if I was just a little more submissive, a little more fit, a little more social, a little more domestic, a little more whatever, that I would be better off.

I want to know, with the confidence that a 44 year old woman of God/wife and daughter and sister and friend/mother of 5/veteran teacher/side hustler has, that I am enough. I have enough to give and I have enough inside and I have enough around me and I have done enough and He makes me enough.

So I want More, but I also want to live in Enough.