As much as I love national parks and hiking and adventuring and exploring, I always feel a lot of anxiety about the unknown. I research like crazy (which is a natural (and survival) tendency that has the side benefit of making me good at my travel job) because I want to know that I’m not getting in over my head. I know my abilities, and I know my weaknesses, and I don’t want to end up in a situation where I can’t finish something.
This past week we did a California trip to hit 4 national parks. The night before Pinnacles, I slept very restlessly. I re-researched everything before I could sleep. I knew that it was a hiker’s park, and I knew that I’m the most out of shape I’ve been since 2020. I knew it was predicted to be unbearably hot, with heat advisories, and that they advise not going to this park in the heat. I knew that we were going to be doing a cave that required headlamps. I knew that, while I wouldn’t say I’m claustrophobic, I do struggle sometimes when I feel confined. I knew there were limited services and facilities, no phone service, in this park.
We got a later start than intended, which put us at the park at 11:45 AM. We had no phone service (which I knew), but I had not thought about mapping us back out after. We had water, but not a ton. We saw the sign pictured at the start of the trail, and the temp was 101, which they said the park was ten degrees hotter. I struggle mightily with elevation, even when I’m in shape, I think because of my heart function.
The sign at the beginning said that the cave was partially open. We started off up a super steep section. I was so nervous but I had prayed so much to be able to complete the hike and get to the reservoir. I knew Kraig would enjoy the hike and the cave.
I did fine, slow and steady, then we got to the cave. I looked at Kraig about halfway through and said, “I’m so glad we did this. It’s so fun!” It was a cool experience. We got to an exit from the lower cave, and Kraig noticed the gate was open to the upper. I had thought it was closed, which the sign had said due to nesting bats, but it was apparently open, so we headed to it. And about halfway through that cave is where all of my fears became reality.
The first time we had to crawl, I was freaked out a little but ok. The second time, I really had to fight myself to do it, and the knowledge that if I didn’t, I would have to go back to the first crawling part again is what pushed me through. We had been mostly alone in the cave but we could hear other people in other parts.
Then we came to a section of complete darkness, and also total silence. No one else could be heard anywhere else in the cave. There had been big white arrows painted on the walls as direction markers and I didn’t see any. Panic set in, and just ahead was a very low section with water under your feet. I stopped dead still, knowing I couldn’t do it, terrified we were lost, filled with dread at what we would have to go back through. Kraig said he would go on into it and be sure it was the right way. I stood, hyperventilating with tears leaking out of my eyes, just whimpering “Jesus Jesus Jesus” over and over. He called that I could come on, he would shine the light backwards. I bent down and took two steps and knew I couldn’t take another. He kept encouraging me as my panic got bigger and bigger and bigger. I could see that the cave turned ahead (still crawling in water) and seemed to get even more narrow. He promised that after that turn, you went up steps and the opening and the end was right there. By this time I was full on crying and wheezing and absolutely having a legitimate panic attack, hysterically begging God and Kraig to let it be over, get me out.
The problem was that I was in a spot where the “easiest” and only way out was through, and it was anything but easy.
Gosh, how often are we there in life? Too far in to turn around, impossible to stop, no other way out but to forge ahead through the impossible, and paralyzed with panic and indecision?
So I did the only thing I could. Crying and praying and panicking and trying to make myself keep breathing, I almost blindly splashed and stumbled on hands and knees through the last part, scraping shoulders and head on rock walls until I was finally to a point where I could stand on shaking legs and see the light and the opening of the cave.
I’ve asked Kraig since how long the ordeal was, how much time passed between me first starting to panic and us getting to the end. I knew it was much shorter than it felt, and sure enough, he said probably 7-10 minutes.
Immediately after leaving the cave, we faced a narrow, steep, and long staircase carved out of the side of a rock wall with a tiny (knee level) rail on the left side and straight down past it. It led to the reservoir, which was our end goal in the hike. In normal circumstances, seeing that would have had me worked up, but after the cave, I just took every step saying, “At least I’m out of the cave. I can do this. Anything is easier than the cave. I’m ok.”
Alex Honnald, who I’ve following for many years and have referenced on this blog before, has a theory that purposely putting ourselves in scary situations retrains our brains to handle fear and anxiety. “Repeated, intentional exposure to discomfort” is what reminds our brains what is truly something to be afraid of and what is making a mountain out of a molehill. While I didn’t start into that cave with the plan of becoming utterly terrified and then pushing through, the pushing through is what stacked a new experience in my brain to refer back to the next time I confront something that feels impossible for me.
There are no pictures of the scary part of the cave because I was too panicked to even think of it and Kraig was too busy trying to calm me down. 😂 But the pic on this blog post is me after climbing the stone staircase to the reservoir. You can’t see it in the picture, but my legs and hands were still trembling. My face had dried salty tears on it. My insides were jello. But I did it. I’m out. I’m still standing.
Link to Alex’s video is below:
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1CKVotdKBU/?mibextid=wwXIfr
