Last night (technically about 1:30 AM this morning), I posted the following status on Facebook:
I am up way too late again, but tonight it's not work. I'm just basking in God's goodness. There was this big thing that I wasn't certain I could do but I was pretty positive I was supposed to do. Then He made it abundantly clear that I HAD to do it. And now that I have finally given myself over to the doing of it (vague much?), the tension and anxiety and worry is just completely gone and in its place is growing an incomprehensible excitement. It's shocking to my human brain that I could so quickly go from such dread, fear, and indecisiveness to this level of anticipation in such a short time. But my human brain isn't calling the shots any more. I want to tell the whole long story in a blog post soon but I just wanted to post this tonight in case someone else is hanging on to the decision making control and getting eaten alive by the anxiety that comes with it... Turn it loose. Let your hands fall away from the reins and just relish the heavenly peace that floods your being when you finally turn off your brain and let Him do HIS job.
I truly hate when people post vague things like that, but I really wanted to hopefully encourage someone who might be facing a similar situation. However, I didn't want to leave it vague for TOOOO awfully long, so here is the whole story.
Last spring, on the day that the "LIVE! with Kelly and Michael" show was going to be announcing the winner of the Top Teacher contest (a contest in which I made the Top Five and got to go to New York and appear on the show, and also in which I won a trip to Israel and a cart of computers for my school), my cell phone vibrated with an unfamiliar number. I had sort of figured at that point that I hadn't won, so I honestly thought it might be the producer who did my segment, calling to offer condolences. I said hello and heard these words, "Hi, Athena? This is ____ _____ calling you from Israel." I was a little baffled and thought for a second it was someone already calling to set up my prize trip, which seemed kind of quick. He continued on, telling me that he was calling from Yad Vashem and that they had watched my segment on the Kelly and Michael show on youtube. He said they were very impressed by my class and my teaching and knew that I had won a trip there. He asked if I had scheduled it yet and I told him we were planning to take it in the fall.
{As I was talking to him, I was frantically mouthing to a teacher friend of mine (I was in her room when my phone went off), "IT'S ISRAEL!" She could gather what was going on from my end of the conversation and she quickly scrawled something on a notepad and held it up so that I could read it. The note said, "THIS IS YOUR CAR." :) (The winner of the contest won a new Ford Fusion.)}
He then told me that they wanted to offer me a spot, free of charge, in their 3 week intensive summer seminar for educators. You can imagine how my heart dropped when he said the dates, which fell exactly during my trip to Cambodia. Imagine again how my heart LEAPT when, upon finding out that I would be in SE Asia at that time, he said, "No problem. Same offer, next summer." I was absolutely on Cloud One Hundred and Sixty-Seven. And I knew that, win or lose that contest, I had won something so much bigger.
We corresponded a time or two over the summer and weren't able to make contact during my family's October trip to Israel. Even though I knew it was something I both wanted and needed to do, I could not feel a peace about committing to it. I delayed as long as I could until, one day in November or December, I sent a text to about 12 close friends and family members and asked each of them to both pray diligently with me for the answer to be made clear and also to offer me most logical and objective advice that they could. And then I waited. And prayed. The overwhelming sentiment from most of my people was that I should go. But still, I was so uneasy in my spirit. Or my flesh.
I decided to write a grant to hopefully get a portion of my travel expenses covered. As I started to write it, I had to do a budget sheet and knew that I needed exact amounts in order to do it. I emailed him again, both to get confirmation that he was going to cover the tuition costs ($1200), as well as to ensure that the offer still stood. I didn't hear back from him that week. In a strange way, I was almost relieved, like that settled it. Even then, though, I wasn't at peace. I decided to try one more time and emailed him at the last possible moment before I had to either complete and submit the grant or stop the process. That time, he wrote me back with an answer that I can only say was one step shy of a burning bush or an audible voice from heaven: he confirmed the tuition payment and also said that he wanted to cover my hotel expenses (an additional $1400). I was in shock.
You see, I am what some might call a "fleece person". I am a professional at giving God all sorts of tests and ways to easily leave me signs about what He wants from me. What I am NOT good at is relinquishing control of the situation, making the decision He is clearly leading me to, and letting His spirit call the shots instead of my flesh. I view that moment I opened that email as God basically saying, "Enough fleeces, already! HERE IS YOUR ANSWER. NOW TAKE IT." I remember sitting at my desk in my empty classroom, tears welling up in my eyes, and physically feeling the tension and anxiety over the decision start to ebb out of my body. I sent several excited texts to my praying partners in this situation and I still have a screenshot of three replies that came right in a row that started the exact same way: "I didn't want to pressure you, but I felt like you would always regret it if you didn't do it." My mom's reply was even more interesting. She said that she honestly believed that the entire experience with being on the show was all working toward this as its end purpose, that the almost month in Israel and at Yad Vashem is what God had for me all along and the show is just the vehicle He used to get me there. I have actually looked at that program before, but never for a second realistically would have considered leaving my family and going across the world for a month of summer without this push.
The miracle, though, is what has happened since. Just in the month since I confirmed my decision, an excitement has been birthed and growing in me that is incomprehensible. I know the moment of leaving will still be very hard and I know that I will miss my family terribly, but all of those fears and apprehension and dread that I felt about being away are just GONE. I think about this experience many times a day and I cannot WAIT for it to be reality. It's a strange sort of ... almost homesickness... for a place I have only visited once. I CRAVE another chance to see those ancient white walls against that brilliant blue sky, to again float the waters of the Dead Sea, to walk one more time across the stone and sand of God's days as Flesh. I ache to feel the waters of the Sea of Galilee run through my fingers and to pray once more at the Western Wall. And the hours upon hours I will spend at Yad Vashem, learning from the world's leading Holocaust experts and hearing the stories of survival from the mouths of those who lived to tell... I don't even have the words to express my deep anticipation. I cannot believe that this is happening to ME. But I am so tremendously grateful that it is...
Just Look...
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I Probably Should Have Put my ATTITUDE in Park
I'm going to speak pretty freely here, so if my boss reads this, I hope she reads all the way to the end...
We have a new parking situation at work. It's a parking situation that is caused by a tremendous blessing, a beautiful new building that is going to be an awesome addition to our school. However, that beautiful new building construction means that we teachers have been displaced. We have two parking options, neither of which are optimal if A. your classroom is where mine is and you aren't up for a 5K each morning and evening or B. you would like to get through traffic sometime before dinnertime. I have been..... let's just say a little bit of a baby about it. I have complained in my own head basically every single morning and afternoon and occasionally to those close to me. I also attempted to buck the system by always having something heavy in my car so that I could use "carrying" as an excuse, but someone became wise to that and told me specifically (directly to my face) that there isn't room for teachers on that side; once you have been told directly, there isn't any option at all to continue in your evil ways. ;)
This morning I was late. I misread my clock and read too long in bed before I got up, the middle schooler was moving slowly and time was crunched. There is a tiny tiny itsy bitsy traffic window at CMS and if you miss it, GOOD LUCK. Today, we missed it by a mile and that window was SLAMMED shut. That, of course, made us later and so by the time I got to my school, I was pretty much a total grump. I parked in option A, meaning a trek to my classroom (already late, remember). Because I was so late, I had to take the last possible spot in that lot which meant an even longer walk to the door. By the time I got to the door, I was HUFFING and PUFFING with irritation. The door is a keyed door. (See where this thing is going???) Guess who couldn't find her key. Yep. It's also not a door that people walk by, so when I realized I would have to stand until someone came along, I knew that might mean a long wait. The anger and irritation and brattiness just surged inside me.
After what felt like a 30 minute wait but was actually only about 3, I heard movement behind me and turned to see a student whose life has not been the easiest. Due to circumstances I won't divulge, this student struggles every day with tasks that you and I never even give two seconds of thought to. As I watched this high schooler painstakingly approach me, I was chastised and rebuked and chastened and convicted and every other word that goes with those. I thought to myself, "Who do you think you are? How DARE you complain and act like a giant obnoxious baby about having to walk (on two good legs with feet that were even HEALED of plantar fasciitis over two years ago) from your car (that runs well and is almost paid for) into your school (that you love with all of your heart and that was your TOP choice for jobs after college) to your job (that not only earns you an excellent paycheck but that gives you sick time and personal days and lots of breaks) and a classroom (where you sincerely adore every moment of your time) of students (who are, bar none, the best kids ever, who treat you with kindness and respect and are funny and smart and witty and caring), waiting to read Macbeth (and so much more fantastic literature, the stuff that makes your heart beat fast and your eyes light up and your purpose so clear)??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Just in case I missed that point, there was another situation later in the day where God drove the point even deeper into my brain and heart, reminding me that there are far larger obstacles in life than having to walk a long way to the car and far greater needs than parking.
I know we love to talk about perspective. I don't even think today was about perspective. I think it was about remembering that where we start and end our day doesn't matter nearly as much as what we do with it. And if you look for me around 7:25 or 3:10 every day, I'll be the one whistling across the school or smiling my way through the traffic. ;)
We have a new parking situation at work. It's a parking situation that is caused by a tremendous blessing, a beautiful new building that is going to be an awesome addition to our school. However, that beautiful new building construction means that we teachers have been displaced. We have two parking options, neither of which are optimal if A. your classroom is where mine is and you aren't up for a 5K each morning and evening or B. you would like to get through traffic sometime before dinnertime. I have been..... let's just say a little bit of a baby about it. I have complained in my own head basically every single morning and afternoon and occasionally to those close to me. I also attempted to buck the system by always having something heavy in my car so that I could use "carrying" as an excuse, but someone became wise to that and told me specifically (directly to my face) that there isn't room for teachers on that side; once you have been told directly, there isn't any option at all to continue in your evil ways. ;)
This morning I was late. I misread my clock and read too long in bed before I got up, the middle schooler was moving slowly and time was crunched. There is a tiny tiny itsy bitsy traffic window at CMS and if you miss it, GOOD LUCK. Today, we missed it by a mile and that window was SLAMMED shut. That, of course, made us later and so by the time I got to my school, I was pretty much a total grump. I parked in option A, meaning a trek to my classroom (already late, remember). Because I was so late, I had to take the last possible spot in that lot which meant an even longer walk to the door. By the time I got to the door, I was HUFFING and PUFFING with irritation. The door is a keyed door. (See where this thing is going???) Guess who couldn't find her key. Yep. It's also not a door that people walk by, so when I realized I would have to stand until someone came along, I knew that might mean a long wait. The anger and irritation and brattiness just surged inside me.
After what felt like a 30 minute wait but was actually only about 3, I heard movement behind me and turned to see a student whose life has not been the easiest. Due to circumstances I won't divulge, this student struggles every day with tasks that you and I never even give two seconds of thought to. As I watched this high schooler painstakingly approach me, I was chastised and rebuked and chastened and convicted and every other word that goes with those. I thought to myself, "Who do you think you are? How DARE you complain and act like a giant obnoxious baby about having to walk (on two good legs with feet that were even HEALED of plantar fasciitis over two years ago) from your car (that runs well and is almost paid for) into your school (that you love with all of your heart and that was your TOP choice for jobs after college) to your job (that not only earns you an excellent paycheck but that gives you sick time and personal days and lots of breaks) and a classroom (where you sincerely adore every moment of your time) of students (who are, bar none, the best kids ever, who treat you with kindness and respect and are funny and smart and witty and caring), waiting to read Macbeth (and so much more fantastic literature, the stuff that makes your heart beat fast and your eyes light up and your purpose so clear)??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Just in case I missed that point, there was another situation later in the day where God drove the point even deeper into my brain and heart, reminding me that there are far larger obstacles in life than having to walk a long way to the car and far greater needs than parking.
I know we love to talk about perspective. I don't even think today was about perspective. I think it was about remembering that where we start and end our day doesn't matter nearly as much as what we do with it. And if you look for me around 7:25 or 3:10 every day, I'll be the one whistling across the school or smiling my way through the traffic. ;)
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Dreams...
I have so much I need to be doing right now. But instead I'm sitting, tears flowing, in a dark, silent room, utterly amazed at the sweetness of my Savior.
Last year, we were raising money for Cambodia. In that process, we hit on a few things that we truly enjoyed doing so we decided to start a small business. This is mostly a shirt business, although there are (and will be) some other extensions at times. The business took off (far more quickly than we were prepared for). We had talked a little this past summer about some goals for ourselves and ways that we could run an intentional, humanitarian-oriented, mission-minded business. We decided we wanted to offer "shirts with a purpose". The latter half of 2014 was a little bit of a shotgun approach because things were just moving faster than we could handle. We did agree early on that we wanted a quarterly focus of our giving to be a PCL missionary named Isaac. Kraig and I were both so drawn to him and impressed by him during our time in Cambodia. He runs the Integrated Farm in Takaam and has also planted a church in the nearby village. We knew that we wanted to sow into his work in Cambodia.
Our family already sponsors a boy in a PCL orphanage, our sweet buddy Phirom. I met him on my first trip there in 2013 and we decided to sponsor him as soon as I got back. Emma and Kraig got to meet him this summer and I'm so excited for Kelsey to have that opportunity in 2016. Somewhat unexpectedly but yet also a product of several years of consideration off and on, we have signed up to use the business to sponsor a Compassion International child. For Such a Time will be a monthly sponsor of Libni, an adorable four year old girl in Mexico.
Through the amazing community of shirt-wearers in this town, ;) we have been able to donate shirts to the Royal Family 5K as well as do some low cost shirt work and a fundraiser for The Refuge, another local non-profit. In 2015 we hope to add to our support of Isaac and Libni with regular donations to a different organization every month. Kraig came up with the awesome idea to allow people who place screen printing orders of $300 or more CHOOSE the organization they want their order to support. We composed a list of (mostly local) organizations that we have vetted and know to be full of integrity and purpose. Those ministries are
Royal Family Ministries- ministry to foster children by SCCOG
The Refuge- sustainable living, job assistance, coordination of services
PCL- sustainable living in Cambodia and internationally as well as local work
Transition Furniture- provide furniture for people in need
Family Promise- assists families in moving from homelessness to housing
Caring Place- food, clothing, and other benevolence
Family Kitchen- provide meals to local homeless families every Saturday
Carl and Anna Nobles- missionaries to the Native Americans in the Dakotas
Project Free2Fly- teaching women sewing skills to help them become self-sufficient
The Prison Ministry of Eddie and Gloria Murphy - retreats for wives of prisoners, services, counseling, Bible study, care packages
Last year, we were raising money for Cambodia. In that process, we hit on a few things that we truly enjoyed doing so we decided to start a small business. This is mostly a shirt business, although there are (and will be) some other extensions at times. The business took off (far more quickly than we were prepared for). We had talked a little this past summer about some goals for ourselves and ways that we could run an intentional, humanitarian-oriented, mission-minded business. We decided we wanted to offer "shirts with a purpose". The latter half of 2014 was a little bit of a shotgun approach because things were just moving faster than we could handle. We did agree early on that we wanted a quarterly focus of our giving to be a PCL missionary named Isaac. Kraig and I were both so drawn to him and impressed by him during our time in Cambodia. He runs the Integrated Farm in Takaam and has also planted a church in the nearby village. We knew that we wanted to sow into his work in Cambodia.
Our family already sponsors a boy in a PCL orphanage, our sweet buddy Phirom. I met him on my first trip there in 2013 and we decided to sponsor him as soon as I got back. Emma and Kraig got to meet him this summer and I'm so excited for Kelsey to have that opportunity in 2016. Somewhat unexpectedly but yet also a product of several years of consideration off and on, we have signed up to use the business to sponsor a Compassion International child. For Such a Time will be a monthly sponsor of Libni, an adorable four year old girl in Mexico.
Through the amazing community of shirt-wearers in this town, ;) we have been able to donate shirts to the Royal Family 5K as well as do some low cost shirt work and a fundraiser for The Refuge, another local non-profit. In 2015 we hope to add to our support of Isaac and Libni with regular donations to a different organization every month. Kraig came up with the awesome idea to allow people who place screen printing orders of $300 or more CHOOSE the organization they want their order to support. We composed a list of (mostly local) organizations that we have vetted and know to be full of integrity and purpose. Those ministries are
Royal Family Ministries- ministry to foster children by SCCOG
The Refuge- sustainable living, job assistance, coordination of services
PCL- sustainable living in Cambodia and internationally as well as local work
Transition Furniture- provide furniture for people in need
Family Promise- assists families in moving from homelessness to housing
Caring Place- food, clothing, and other benevolence
Family Kitchen- provide meals to local homeless families every Saturday
Carl and Anna Nobles- missionaries to the Native Americans in the Dakotas
Project Free2Fly- teaching women sewing skills to help them become self-sufficient
The Prison Ministry of Eddie and Gloria Murphy - retreats for wives of prisoners, services, counseling, Bible study, care packages
Anyway, all of that to say that I had really built tonight up on our fb page as a big sort of unveiling of our plans for 2015, ways that our customers helped us #bethegood in 2014, and showcase of winter/Valentine designs. I started posting tonight and at one point I looked up to see 89 notifications. It wasn't all (or even most!) sales. It was just interest. Involvement. Support. And that's when it hit me, and I nearly lost it all over the keyboard.
I have known since my junior year in college that God's plan for my life was to teach. I spent many years leading up to that point denying and avoiding, but that year, in one day (in one HOUR), I dropped a physics class in one room and walked to the room next door to change my major from physical therapy to English. (As you might imagine, these had ZERO common class requirements.) :) But I'm here to tell you, I walked out that door and down "Cardiac Hill" and I felt different than I had ever felt in my life. I KNEW, at that moment, what it meant to be in God's perfect will. And that feeling has never left, not for a second. I have had rough days and a few rough classes but I have ZERO doubt that teaching in room 222 at Cleveland High School is the place God has for me. Today, tomorrow, and most of forever.
BUT. There are also so many other things I want to do and have wanted to do. I have two (actually four but two don't fit into this category) dreams that I have always held so close to my heart, dreams that I have kind of deferred until I retire. One is to write a book and the other is to work for or run a non-profit. (I also have a dream of taking a photograph of something or someone that really matters in a place that my life is in danger. I don't know. Weird, I know.)
Tonight I was sitting there typing onto our facebook page, seeing those notifications, and I realized that one of those dreams is being fulfilled right this very minute. And I didn't even have to quit my dream job to do it. It's not a non-profit, but we have found a way to do something we enjoy and use it to support not ONE non-profit, but ALL of the non-profits we love! How very like my God to take a deeply held (and somewhat secret) dream and bring it to pass right before my eyes in such a quiet, gentle way that I didn't even realize what was happening?
The mercy of a Father who longs to give us the desires of our heart is not an image often presented in religion. But it's such a beautiful part of relationship. And ultimately, it's relationship that saves us.
So if you have some dreams tucked away somewhere like I did, dreams that you think will have to wait until you have time or money or plans or age to accomplish them, be willing to let them seep out of the little corners of your heart. Don't hold onto them so tightly that He can't bring them into the light. And if you ever find yourself staring full-on into the face of a dream you thought was 16 years away, make sure to give Him the honor.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
A Year of the Beautiful
Here we are again, at the end of another year. I have always been a big fan of New Year's Eve (and New Year's Day) because I love an opportunity for reflection and I love a good, clean slate. I am in a very different place tonight than I was exactly one year ago when I wrote this post. This year, I am saying goodbye to a very different year than what 2013 was. This past year has brought some huge events to me and my family. All good things, all good things. ;) (And I would say 2014 was also the year of "Frozen"!)
This year has been a year of major travel for our family. March brought my yearly Model UN trip to DC, a rather spontaneous and very special trip to Amish Country with my mom, dad, and daughters. I cherish any time I can spend with my parents and this trip is one that we will remember forever. In May, on a whirlwind trip, I visited New York City for the first time ever. That was the first trip we have taken with the adults in my family and no children (we did miss Josh, of course) and it was SO much fun to get to just be grownups on a trip with my mom, dad, sister, and Kraig. We did our usual Bear Paw vacation this summer, then July found Kraig, Emma, and I on the mission trip to Cambodia and what a fabulous trip it was! I loved getting to watch Kraig and Emma fall in love with the country and the people I fell in love with a year before. Finally, and perhaps most unexpectedly, was our family trip to ISRAEL in October. Never, ever in my wildest dreams would I have expected to visit Israel. It was the trip of a lifetime and I am so beyond grateful that the four of us got to experience it together!
Professionally, I have never had a year as wonderful as 2014. My classes last spring and this fall were absolute PERFECTION. I adore the kids who graced my classroom with their presence. My coworkers proved yet again this spring how utterly amazing they are, and I fell even more madly in love with Cleveland High School and all that entails.
2014 was a year of emphasis on family for me. I have tons of friends and love them all very deeply, but I wasn't as involved in social events as I have been in the past. Any time I had to spare, I craved spending it with my three people and my extended family. And the more time I spent with them, the more time I wanted. I love the glimpses I have seen of the teenagers and adults Emma and Kelsey are going to be in the future. Emma has been such a joy this first semester of middle school and I love the new ways we interact with each other. This is the first year I have taken her to school and that time together is so special. My mom is now retired and has been the most invaluable person to us all, picking up when needed, making snacks for school stuff, dropping off things to our school that my sister or I forgot (yes, just like we are twelve again). ;)
Probably the biggest development in our family story is the start of our business, For Such a Time, in March of this year. We were doing all sorts of fundraising ventures for our mission trip and ended up hitting on a few things that we really enjoyed, creatively. We decided to make a business of it in the hopes of funding that trip and future travel and mission endeavors. We named it "For Such a Time" because our hope is that we will be available in all of the moments God calls us, "for such a time as this". (Esther 4:14) Our decision from the start with this business was to send a percentage of the profit each month to various missions, missionaries, and causes. We both felt led, after our Cambodia trip, to regularly support one of the missionaries there. We also added another child sponsorship (through Operation Compassion) in addition to Phirom, the boy we have sponsored in Cambodia since my trip there in the summer of 2013. We have given to various causes and missions each month, whatever the Lord lays on our hearts. The insane success and explosion of this business is a testament, not to us or our work, but to the Lord and the way He will use anyone who allows Him to work in them.
Obviously I can't write a reflection of 2014 without including that time I was on national television. :) Other than getting two incredible trips out of it, I think the most amazing part was the ridiculously beautiful outpouring of support and kindness from every single person with whom I interacted. It sounds really morbid to put it this way, but I remember telling someone at the time that I felt like I got to hear all the things I would hear at my funeral without actually dying. ;) I always hate that people aren't around to hear all the nice things people say about them and I got to do that! The fb posts, texts, comments, fb messages, tweets, media coverage, etc... it was a beautiful and glorious experience and one I wouldn't trade for the WORLD.
The other blessing that has come from that experience is the platform I have been given and the ways God has worked in me. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. TERRIFIED of public speaking. I have no idea how I am a teacher because speaking to any group that is not my own students in my own classroom absolutely horrifies me. Slowly, over time, God has been easing that fear. I have taught a few adult classes at church and have done some speaking on Holocaust-related topics. But this, this was on an entirely different level, in a whole other realm.... And with it, after it, came opportunities to speak to reporters and on the radio and to civic groups. And each time, there was an unnatural calm. Not just a calm, but an adrenaline rush and enjoyment of the chance to do so. I believe very strongly that God has something ahead for me to do that is going to depend on my ability to speak and that He used this process to jumpstart my willingness to do so. :)
This year was a glorious space in which I learned to depend wholly on God, got to watch His hand in my life and see Him guide my steps. I grew closer to Him in ways that I didn't even really know existed and truly committed myself to His plan. It's a year that I can't imagine ever being topped, but I look forward to 2015 and whatever the future holds for me and mine. One of my favorite quotes is Frederick Buechner's “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.” This was truly a year of the beautiful. And I'm not afraid of the future.
This year has been a year of major travel for our family. March brought my yearly Model UN trip to DC, a rather spontaneous and very special trip to Amish Country with my mom, dad, and daughters. I cherish any time I can spend with my parents and this trip is one that we will remember forever. In May, on a whirlwind trip, I visited New York City for the first time ever. That was the first trip we have taken with the adults in my family and no children (we did miss Josh, of course) and it was SO much fun to get to just be grownups on a trip with my mom, dad, sister, and Kraig. We did our usual Bear Paw vacation this summer, then July found Kraig, Emma, and I on the mission trip to Cambodia and what a fabulous trip it was! I loved getting to watch Kraig and Emma fall in love with the country and the people I fell in love with a year before. Finally, and perhaps most unexpectedly, was our family trip to ISRAEL in October. Never, ever in my wildest dreams would I have expected to visit Israel. It was the trip of a lifetime and I am so beyond grateful that the four of us got to experience it together!
Professionally, I have never had a year as wonderful as 2014. My classes last spring and this fall were absolute PERFECTION. I adore the kids who graced my classroom with their presence. My coworkers proved yet again this spring how utterly amazing they are, and I fell even more madly in love with Cleveland High School and all that entails.
2014 was a year of emphasis on family for me. I have tons of friends and love them all very deeply, but I wasn't as involved in social events as I have been in the past. Any time I had to spare, I craved spending it with my three people and my extended family. And the more time I spent with them, the more time I wanted. I love the glimpses I have seen of the teenagers and adults Emma and Kelsey are going to be in the future. Emma has been such a joy this first semester of middle school and I love the new ways we interact with each other. This is the first year I have taken her to school and that time together is so special. My mom is now retired and has been the most invaluable person to us all, picking up when needed, making snacks for school stuff, dropping off things to our school that my sister or I forgot (yes, just like we are twelve again). ;)
Probably the biggest development in our family story is the start of our business, For Such a Time, in March of this year. We were doing all sorts of fundraising ventures for our mission trip and ended up hitting on a few things that we really enjoyed, creatively. We decided to make a business of it in the hopes of funding that trip and future travel and mission endeavors. We named it "For Such a Time" because our hope is that we will be available in all of the moments God calls us, "for such a time as this". (Esther 4:14) Our decision from the start with this business was to send a percentage of the profit each month to various missions, missionaries, and causes. We both felt led, after our Cambodia trip, to regularly support one of the missionaries there. We also added another child sponsorship (through Operation Compassion) in addition to Phirom, the boy we have sponsored in Cambodia since my trip there in the summer of 2013. We have given to various causes and missions each month, whatever the Lord lays on our hearts. The insane success and explosion of this business is a testament, not to us or our work, but to the Lord and the way He will use anyone who allows Him to work in them.
Obviously I can't write a reflection of 2014 without including that time I was on national television. :) Other than getting two incredible trips out of it, I think the most amazing part was the ridiculously beautiful outpouring of support and kindness from every single person with whom I interacted. It sounds really morbid to put it this way, but I remember telling someone at the time that I felt like I got to hear all the things I would hear at my funeral without actually dying. ;) I always hate that people aren't around to hear all the nice things people say about them and I got to do that! The fb posts, texts, comments, fb messages, tweets, media coverage, etc... it was a beautiful and glorious experience and one I wouldn't trade for the WORLD.
The other blessing that has come from that experience is the platform I have been given and the ways God has worked in me. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. TERRIFIED of public speaking. I have no idea how I am a teacher because speaking to any group that is not my own students in my own classroom absolutely horrifies me. Slowly, over time, God has been easing that fear. I have taught a few adult classes at church and have done some speaking on Holocaust-related topics. But this, this was on an entirely different level, in a whole other realm.... And with it, after it, came opportunities to speak to reporters and on the radio and to civic groups. And each time, there was an unnatural calm. Not just a calm, but an adrenaline rush and enjoyment of the chance to do so. I believe very strongly that God has something ahead for me to do that is going to depend on my ability to speak and that He used this process to jumpstart my willingness to do so. :)
This year was a glorious space in which I learned to depend wholly on God, got to watch His hand in my life and see Him guide my steps. I grew closer to Him in ways that I didn't even really know existed and truly committed myself to His plan. It's a year that I can't imagine ever being topped, but I look forward to 2015 and whatever the future holds for me and mine. One of my favorite quotes is Frederick Buechner's “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.” This was truly a year of the beautiful. And I'm not afraid of the future.
Monday, July 21, 2014
These are the Faces
A friend posted tonight about the dire circumstances in Ukraine. She has friends there who are in hiding for their own safety or are displaced to other regions who have told her of the chaos there, the killing of the innocent in the streets, the lack of food and water.
Earlier today, another friend posted about anti-Semitic demonstrations including cries of "Send the Jews back to Birkenau" and Jews being barricaded in a synagogue by an angry mob outside.
Investigators are still picking through the wreckage of a passenger airliner not at all unlike the one I was on one week ago today.
Children playing soccer in Gaza have been killed in a battle they didn't choose.
Christian families are fleeing Iraq after being told they must convert or be killed.
Circumstances in many Central American countries are so dire that parents are sending their children unaccompanied to seek asylum in the United States. The pictures of those children sleeping in holding cells, piled together like puppies, are heart-wrenching.
It seems like absolutely at every turn, there is tragedy, trauma, and the victimization of the innocent. Perhaps even more frightening?
We've seen it all before.
About ten days ago, I had a moment I will never forget. We spend our first day in Cambodia on cultural awareness, which includes visiting a memorial to the victims of the Cambodian genocide of the 1970's. At the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, there are rows upon rows upon rows of photographs of the victims who passed through the walls of that detention center. Most of them were taken on to the Killing Fields where they were brutally slaughtered and left in shallow graves.
Several days later, I was in a tiny Phnom Penh classroom with very little air circulation, sweat dripping from my face as I tied hundreds of braided headbands made from tshirt scraps onto beautiful raven-haired children. I remember stooping down at one tiny table, tying a headband onto a beaming little boy. I glanced up and locked eyes with the boy sitting beside him. He smiled shyly and it hit me:
These were the faces of that genocide.
Little boys just like these were tortured and murdered at TS-21 and the Killing Fields just outside that city. And as a further tragedy, some of the ones holding the guns and knives were children not much older than these who had been forcibly recruited into Pol Pot's army of murderers.
I just looked into his deep, brown eyes and thanked God that he was here, in 2014, instead of there, in 1976. But who's to say that at some point, those scenes won't be repeated in Cambodia and he won't be part of them? Who would ever imagine that in 2014, cries of "Send the Jews back to Birkenau!" would fill modern streets? Who would believe that the words of Nazi Germany in 1937, "Turn over all valuables and goods, you may leave only with the clothes on your back, " would be repeated in Iraq in 2014 to Christian families in Mosul?
Man has such a deep capacity for evil. Societies are so frail. Governments are so fragile. The messages that have come out of the past week are so appalling. And if you think about it too much, it will debilitate you. It will haunt you. It will cause you to stay up long past the hour in which you should sleep, worrying, wondering what can be done.
I don't know, other than prayer, what I can do for this hurting world from here. But I do know that I've been entrusted with a little corner of it, and it's my responsibility to do whatever I can in my little corner to make things easier for someone else. So, on days like yesterday and today when some efforts seem too much, when I really consider how easy it would be to let it all go, to quit scrambling and pushing and holding on, I will think about that little face on the other side of the world. I will remember that, though I can't fix anything, I can keep on with the efforts I am involved with here to try and provide a small measure of encouragement for some in my corner. I can't stop bullets or missiles or violence. But I can help provide some laughter in the lives of some foster kids for a week in the summer. And so I'll send some more emails and I'll design another shirt and I'll pester my facebook friends some more and together we will raise a portion of funds for that week in 2015. And maybe by then, this world will have calmed down and healed a little bit.
Earlier today, another friend posted about anti-Semitic demonstrations including cries of "Send the Jews back to Birkenau" and Jews being barricaded in a synagogue by an angry mob outside.
Investigators are still picking through the wreckage of a passenger airliner not at all unlike the one I was on one week ago today.
Children playing soccer in Gaza have been killed in a battle they didn't choose.
Christian families are fleeing Iraq after being told they must convert or be killed.
Circumstances in many Central American countries are so dire that parents are sending their children unaccompanied to seek asylum in the United States. The pictures of those children sleeping in holding cells, piled together like puppies, are heart-wrenching.
It seems like absolutely at every turn, there is tragedy, trauma, and the victimization of the innocent. Perhaps even more frightening?
We've seen it all before.
About ten days ago, I had a moment I will never forget. We spend our first day in Cambodia on cultural awareness, which includes visiting a memorial to the victims of the Cambodian genocide of the 1970's. At the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, there are rows upon rows upon rows of photographs of the victims who passed through the walls of that detention center. Most of them were taken on to the Killing Fields where they were brutally slaughtered and left in shallow graves.
Several days later, I was in a tiny Phnom Penh classroom with very little air circulation, sweat dripping from my face as I tied hundreds of braided headbands made from tshirt scraps onto beautiful raven-haired children. I remember stooping down at one tiny table, tying a headband onto a beaming little boy. I glanced up and locked eyes with the boy sitting beside him. He smiled shyly and it hit me:
These were the faces of that genocide.
I just looked into his deep, brown eyes and thanked God that he was here, in 2014, instead of there, in 1976. But who's to say that at some point, those scenes won't be repeated in Cambodia and he won't be part of them? Who would ever imagine that in 2014, cries of "Send the Jews back to Birkenau!" would fill modern streets? Who would believe that the words of Nazi Germany in 1937, "Turn over all valuables and goods, you may leave only with the clothes on your back, " would be repeated in Iraq in 2014 to Christian families in Mosul?
Man has such a deep capacity for evil. Societies are so frail. Governments are so fragile. The messages that have come out of the past week are so appalling. And if you think about it too much, it will debilitate you. It will haunt you. It will cause you to stay up long past the hour in which you should sleep, worrying, wondering what can be done.
I don't know, other than prayer, what I can do for this hurting world from here. But I do know that I've been entrusted with a little corner of it, and it's my responsibility to do whatever I can in my little corner to make things easier for someone else. So, on days like yesterday and today when some efforts seem too much, when I really consider how easy it would be to let it all go, to quit scrambling and pushing and holding on, I will think about that little face on the other side of the world. I will remember that, though I can't fix anything, I can keep on with the efforts I am involved with here to try and provide a small measure of encouragement for some in my corner. I can't stop bullets or missiles or violence. But I can help provide some laughter in the lives of some foster kids for a week in the summer. And so I'll send some more emails and I'll design another shirt and I'll pester my facebook friends some more and together we will raise a portion of funds for that week in 2015. And maybe by then, this world will have calmed down and healed a little bit.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Broken Cistern, Empty Summer
I make no bones about the fact that I love my job. I feel called to it. I also am the first to say that I love, love, love summer and guard my summers fiercely. I will give hours upon extra hours to my job during the school year-- weekends, overnight trips, prom, attending games and plays and concerts at night-- but I committed to myself when my girls were born that summers were preserved. I set them aside for family, for ministry, for hobbies, and for rest.
That being said, this summer has felt... empty. I know how that sounds coming from a person who just returned from a ten day trip to Cambodia, who has vacationed with family and been swimming with friends and worked a camp for foster kids and made a million tshirts. But no matter how it sounds, it's truth. I have felt very removed emotionally from everything I have been part of this summer. I have felt isolated in giant crowds of people. I've done a great job of going through the motions and have done all the things I was supposed to want to do. I've tried to play the part. But as this summer winds down, I have to say that the whole thing felt like wearing makeup. It was itchy and uncomfortable and I couldn't take a deep breath all summer. Nothing felt real. And that terrifies me.
I'm not certain at what point along the way I lost me. And I'm not sure where to find me. And the scariest part of all of this is that the thought of entering the classroom in August makes me a nervous wreck. Because do you know who can sense inauthenticity faster than anyone else? Teenagers. I think the giant disadvantage to loving a job as much as I do is how obvious it would be if I stopped. This past year was a major roller coaster and it ended on the highest of the high. The problem is, that's a long way to fall. And the landing would be a hard one.
I dug around in my Bible for a while this afternoon because there's a little teaser floating around in my brain (and I feel like it's from a Beth Moore talk) about deserts and streams and parched lands. Parched is a pretty good interpretation of the way I feel. I never did find exactly what my brain is holding onto, but I did find a far more sobering verse and explanation... Jeremiah 2:13. It's specifically about the idolatry of Israel and the turning away of God's people from Him. While I wouldn't put myself in as desperate a state as that, the idea of a broken cistern that can't hold water is one that fits. I did some more research on cisterns in Bible times and the comparison here to a cistern built by human hands instead of relying on the source of living water-- Him.
Now that... that might fit. I think religious people fall into two categories-- those who find it easy to depend on God in good times and more difficult in hard times, and those who prefer to handle the good times themselves and trust Him in the hard ones. I sit firmly in the second camp. I handle calamity pretty well. I'm the calm one in emergencies, the one who typically oozes faith in trying times. The easy life, the good times? They make me a little numb. I build my little cisterns and wait to collect the rains, then either the rains don't come or my cisterns don't hold. I think that's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the edge of the river (the one everyone else seems to be surfing and sailing and diving and splashing and having a grand old time in, mind you), trying to fill my little broken cistern all on my own. The other pathetic part is how long it took me to even realize I was so parched... I avoided and ignored and explained away the signs for weeks and even months before I finally attempted to pour water into it, only to have it trickle out.
So now....
That being said, this summer has felt... empty. I know how that sounds coming from a person who just returned from a ten day trip to Cambodia, who has vacationed with family and been swimming with friends and worked a camp for foster kids and made a million tshirts. But no matter how it sounds, it's truth. I have felt very removed emotionally from everything I have been part of this summer. I have felt isolated in giant crowds of people. I've done a great job of going through the motions and have done all the things I was supposed to want to do. I've tried to play the part. But as this summer winds down, I have to say that the whole thing felt like wearing makeup. It was itchy and uncomfortable and I couldn't take a deep breath all summer. Nothing felt real. And that terrifies me.
I'm not certain at what point along the way I lost me. And I'm not sure where to find me. And the scariest part of all of this is that the thought of entering the classroom in August makes me a nervous wreck. Because do you know who can sense inauthenticity faster than anyone else? Teenagers. I think the giant disadvantage to loving a job as much as I do is how obvious it would be if I stopped. This past year was a major roller coaster and it ended on the highest of the high. The problem is, that's a long way to fall. And the landing would be a hard one.
I dug around in my Bible for a while this afternoon because there's a little teaser floating around in my brain (and I feel like it's from a Beth Moore talk) about deserts and streams and parched lands. Parched is a pretty good interpretation of the way I feel. I never did find exactly what my brain is holding onto, but I did find a far more sobering verse and explanation... Jeremiah 2:13. It's specifically about the idolatry of Israel and the turning away of God's people from Him. While I wouldn't put myself in as desperate a state as that, the idea of a broken cistern that can't hold water is one that fits. I did some more research on cisterns in Bible times and the comparison here to a cistern built by human hands instead of relying on the source of living water-- Him.
Now that... that might fit. I think religious people fall into two categories-- those who find it easy to depend on God in good times and more difficult in hard times, and those who prefer to handle the good times themselves and trust Him in the hard ones. I sit firmly in the second camp. I handle calamity pretty well. I'm the calm one in emergencies, the one who typically oozes faith in trying times. The easy life, the good times? They make me a little numb. I build my little cisterns and wait to collect the rains, then either the rains don't come or my cisterns don't hold. I think that's where I am right now. I'm sitting on the edge of the river (the one everyone else seems to be surfing and sailing and diving and splashing and having a grand old time in, mind you), trying to fill my little broken cistern all on my own. The other pathetic part is how long it took me to even realize I was so parched... I avoided and ignored and explained away the signs for weeks and even months before I finally attempted to pour water into it, only to have it trickle out.
So now....
It's time.It's time to dive in and swim deep, quit sitting on the edge, watching everyone else, quit splashing droplets into the broken cistern I built with my human attempts at grace and fulfillment. It's time to sink in the Living Water, gulping it in as I go. It's time to let Him be God so I can remember how to be me.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
The Harvest
I should be in bed. I mean, who stays up until four hours before the alarm clock goes off, doing unnecessary things like blogging? Especially when the blogging has not been important in the past three months?
I guess I just feel like I can't leave without at least making a post of gratitude about this trip.
And as for the blogging silence over the past three months... is it weird to say that I am fresh out of words? I haven't posted to social media with nearly the regularity I had been either. I think I am an introvert at heart (though I hide it REALLY well) and when things happen that take lots of interactions, lots of words, like the LIVE thing, I kind of go silent for a while afterward.
But back to the trip...
I am so very grateful for this opportunity again. This year it means so much more to me because I know the names and faces of the children we will encounter, the workers I respect so much, and the team we have assembled. I look forward so much to seeing Phirom, the boy our family decided to sponsor once I returned home. I felt an immediate connection to him from the very first moment we arrived and it's been really special to introduce the girls and Kraig to him over the past year through his sweet letters and correspondence. I can't wait to take him a few gifts and the letters we have each written to him. I can't wait for that feeling I get from travel where my senses are sharpened and the colors are so bright and vivid. I look forward to watching Emma and Kraig experience another country for the very first time. I am excited to see the integrated farm that we didn't get to see last time, to see the progress in Andong where PCL is building a city. I can't wait to see the faces in the orphanages in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap, to visit the market and Ankor Wat. I am excited for the moments of connection in the children's camps, for the knowledge the children will gain and the fun we will all have.
I am in awe of the power of God and the generosity of our friends and family. I didn't send a single letter out this year, but He must have. We worked our tails off making apple butter, cake pops, and tshirts, tshirts, tshirts, but He sent the customers. Our family raised $9000 in just under 9 months and it is honestly a miracle.
The blessing will be in the harvest, friends. And I can't wait to see it.
I guess I just feel like I can't leave without at least making a post of gratitude about this trip.
And as for the blogging silence over the past three months... is it weird to say that I am fresh out of words? I haven't posted to social media with nearly the regularity I had been either. I think I am an introvert at heart (though I hide it REALLY well) and when things happen that take lots of interactions, lots of words, like the LIVE thing, I kind of go silent for a while afterward.
But back to the trip...
I am so very grateful for this opportunity again. This year it means so much more to me because I know the names and faces of the children we will encounter, the workers I respect so much, and the team we have assembled. I look forward so much to seeing Phirom, the boy our family decided to sponsor once I returned home. I felt an immediate connection to him from the very first moment we arrived and it's been really special to introduce the girls and Kraig to him over the past year through his sweet letters and correspondence. I can't wait to take him a few gifts and the letters we have each written to him. I can't wait for that feeling I get from travel where my senses are sharpened and the colors are so bright and vivid. I look forward to watching Emma and Kraig experience another country for the very first time. I am excited to see the integrated farm that we didn't get to see last time, to see the progress in Andong where PCL is building a city. I can't wait to see the faces in the orphanages in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap, to visit the market and Ankor Wat. I am excited for the moments of connection in the children's camps, for the knowledge the children will gain and the fun we will all have.
I am in awe of the power of God and the generosity of our friends and family. I didn't send a single letter out this year, but He must have. We worked our tails off making apple butter, cake pops, and tshirts, tshirts, tshirts, but He sent the customers. Our family raised $9000 in just under 9 months and it is honestly a miracle.
The blessing will be in the harvest, friends. And I can't wait to see it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)