Nothing Pretty to See Here

I've kind of put off this blog post because I kept thinking I could come up with a more positive spin to put on things before I wrote it. That maybe I could think of the words to make what just feels bad sound good. That maybe with time, I could at least own my feelings and not feel so stinking guilty about my lack of joy and excitement.

None of that worked. So here it is, in all of its ugliness...

I'm so glad to see the end of 2013. I started this year with such excitement and optimism, and the first six months plus delivered, at least somewhat. I think that 2013 showed me some things that I didn't want to see. It forced me to acknowledge that the somewhat charmed life I have lived isn't promised. It brought me in close contact with days when you don't love every moment of your job and opened my eyes to the emptiness that some people struggle with on a regular basis. I brushed up close to the mortality of my loved ones and it didn't feel good.

My family had some pretty major health scares this year, all scares that were resolved by the Lord before they amounted to anything, thank goodness. The lives of my Grandmother and Grandaddy were changed forever, but we are so grateful she is still here to have a changed life. For the first time, I found out what chronic scary health issues are like, beyond my mild issues I have had in the past. Truthfully, I think I have battled some mild depression in the past five months, something I have never dealt with. These feelings either caused or were caused by a void in my job satisfaction and a struggle to find meaning and purpose in anything I have done. I feel a distance from the friends I had once been so close to. I avoid social situations whenever possible. And maybe most frightening of all, I haven't enjoyed that close relationship with my Father that had previously defined my life. I just feel distant, like I'm a spectator watching life carry on around me. And I kind of hated it.

The last six months have felt like I failed at everything I attempted. And sometimes, I didn't even care. That's not me. In fact, the only piece of 2013 that has brought even a modicum of success with it has been this blog. I have finally committed to writing regularly and it has felt really good. I referenced Anne Voskamp's end of the year blog on fb the other day and wrote my own status about it. That status is the best description I can give to my analysis of this year, or at least the last half of it...

"I am not ending 2013 on a high note. In fact, I am ending it feeling like I have completely forgotten how to play."

 I have changed my mind five or six times about posting this blog. While in many ways I am extremely transparent, I hate being a downer and detest feeling vulnerable. However, when I started this blog, I promised myself it would be a reflection of the true me, not the me I wanted people to see. And right now, and since August, this has been the true me. Maybe it's you, too. I don't have any answers. No solutions. I am going to try and change some simple things in the hopes that it makes a difference for me, try to remember those things that defined who I am and hope that recommitting to those things will at least give me a new sense of self and purpose. I'm going to discipline myself back into spending daily time with my Father in the hopes that what might start as a habit will evolve back into a closeness. And I'm going to wake up tomorrow and approach 2014 with all of the optimism that I brought into 2013, hoping that a year from tonight I will be writing a whole different reflection.