Just Look...

Just Look...

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Because January isn't the Only "Beginning of the Year"...

So I am kind of a fan of time. And marking time. And while I know most of the world celebrates January as the start of a new year, I have multiple "New Year's Days". As an educator and parent, August always marks a new year for me. I love the fresh schedules and calenders and systems and plans of a new school year, the high hopes and opportunities for clean slates. Obviously I take time out on January 1 to look toward a new calender year, make some resolutions, etc.

But for the past three years, I have had another "New Year" with which I mark time and that is the dotMom conference hosted by Lifeway. I have come home from this event changed every single year for the past three. I have started with new resolve and better intentions each year after the third weekend of September. I honestly believe my Christian walk and my role as a mother and wife have improved every year at this time.

I won't overshare (HA! Have you MET me? I am the QUEEN of the overshare) about every detail of the past two years except to say that last year I came home desperate. It was a culmination of the conference and some books I was reading and some things the Lord was telling me, but I came home so frantic to respond to a call. It was only one month after the conference that I was helping coordinate a 5K for a little city in Cambodia and only nine months after that first conversation that I was standing IN that little city in Cambodia. I love to look back and see the ways the Lord has moved in ways I never expected when I finally decide to listen. Who KNOWS what I will be writing about a year from NOW???

Mostly I wanted to write tonight and share my takeaways from this year. I want to share partly to get my plans down in print but also in case anyone else who didn't get to go might benefit from it.

(Sidenote, I take copious notes that are more transcript-like so if you want a copy of those, just email me and athenajdavis@yahoo.com and I'll be happy to send them to you (from any general or breakout session).)

My own takeaways and plan:

1. Parent the heart, not the actions. (My wording)
 Literally four different people said this in some way this weekend. Jen Hatmaker said we have desire a code of morality instead of a right heart and that we focus on systems of behavior. Vicki Courtney worded it as "we focus more on behavior modification than heart evaluation". It was also reference in multiple breakout sessions. This convicted me, as a parent who cares very much about how they act (and, if I'm honest, how they are perceived by others). I know that our kids NEED to act right, but the actions are the fruit from the heart. Our biggest concern should be with their hearts and if they keep their hearts turned toward Him, the behavior will follow. I am really going to try and remember this and focus on it.

2. Be part of the details of their lives.
I am terrible about having kids over here. TERRIBLE. Partly because we are gone so much that I prefer for our nights at home to just be us and also because... I don't like to. I do feel badly about that. This is another point that multiple people made separately. John Croyle said, "If you don't know your daughter's five closest friends, you are too busy. Because next to you and your husband, they will have the biggest influence on her life." Angela Thomas continually emphasized that we should want them at our house with their friends so that we are able to monitor what is going on. I know that if I wait until my kids are older, in my position, their friends will never want to come over here because it will be too awkward when I am their teachers. I need to start establishing relationships NOW with their friends. SO, my plan is to make a conscious effort to have friends of theirs over at least once a month.

3. Just have fun.
I realized when Angela Thomas said something in her keynote that I spend entirely too much time... ticked off. She stated, "My laughter and my joy is a ministry to my children." Now don't get me wrong... I do laugh and have fun with them. Frequently. But I also spend a lot of time rushing them ("Hurry! Come on! We're late!") and just reverting to a default setting of soured-ness. I need to be joyful far more often. The amount of time they are mine is just so, so short. I have to spend it enjoying them. I plan to smile more, listen more, laugh more...

4. Anticipate the teen years.
I went to a session on parenting teens knowing full well that I don't have one yet. I went because I teach them but ALSO because I hoped to get some tips I can get a jumpstart on now. And boy did I! Sissy Goff made several really important points that I am planning to implement now. First of all, she said kids need other voices in their lives (not just ours). She suggested finding people whom our children trust and whom WE trust. There will come a time when they won't listen to us and likely also won't talk much to us. We need people who can tell them the same things we are but in a different voice. I called my sister when I got home and suggested that, though she already has a great relationship with my kids, she start taking Emma out every 3-4 months for some one-on-one time with her. I think establishing that now will prove to be a good thing. She also suggested asking kids questions about everything and really giving them a chance to talk. Women (especially the writer of this blog post) tend to jump in with the talking way too quickly. Give them space to talk. She also discussed boundaries and saying no and that we need to widen the boundaries a little every year so that at 18, they don't go completely crazy. If we loosed them a bit all along, we are there to pick up the pieces when they mess up rather than it happening once they leave our roost. This seems like a good plan to me.

5. Parent for the Kingdom.
I don't know about the rest of you, but Kraig and I yell too much. We say no way more often than yes. And sometimes it's just a matter of reframing things a bit. I absolutely loved something Jen Hatmaker said about letting them start to make their own choices and I decided to adjust it a bit and use it in discipline. She suggested asking your children, "What would 'well done' look like here?" "What would a 'good and faithful servant' do in this situation?" I want to use those things in reminding them in the midst of situations and afterward in discipline.
[In talking to them about this, I wanted to make sure they understood the context, so I asked them what God says to believers when they make it home. Kelsey, without missing a beat, fist pumped and said, "You LUCKY GUY! Get in here!" Probably should have disturbed me but FUNNIEST. MOMENT. EVER.]
She also emphasized again that they just simply have to see us living and doing Kingdom work for Him. We cannot just tell our kids about loving our neighbor. They have to SEE us doing it. She had two lines that got me right in the gut: "If my kids imitate me, what does that look like for the Kingdom in ten years?" OUCH. and "Whatever we have to do to follow Jesus into the Kingdom, just say yes."

So above are the five things I plan to implement immediately. Below are some of my favorite other little nuggets from the past two days.

Gems from the two days:

Vicki Courtney General
*You don't have to be so frantic to keep the pace of our crazy over-scheduled lives. Just show them Him, and that will be enough.
*"Only one life, twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last."

Intentional Parenting - Dave Thomas and Sissy Goff
*Don't feed the imaginary audience that all adolescents have.
*Discipline is an extended and carefully managed event, not a sudden, spontaneous reaction to the child's behavior.
*Brain research is starting to pile up regarding screen time. Between 8 and 13, their brains lock onto the things they do most. This is the time for imaginative play, reading, and playing outside-- NOT screens.

Angela Thomas General
*We are responsible for the boundaries of our home and we are accountable to God for keeping evil out.

Raising the Kids We Have, Not the Kids We Were- Jen Hatmaker (DO YOU HAVE ALL DAY? Because everything she said was perfect.)
*80% of kids growing up now will be gone from the church by age 29.
*Society has changed and what has always worked will no longer work. The words we have puppeted for years have lost their meaning. They need to SEE us live for Jesus in a very real, raw way.
*Is it beneficial to be so busy serving the saved that we have no time to reach out to the marginalized?
*Many people didn't expect the life they have. They expected more kids, fewer kids, bigger house, no divorce, etc. Be brave enough to let go of what you expected and embrace what you actually have. God does His best work in reality.

Grounded for Life- Vicki Courtney
*We are raising kids who have no idea what "Be still and know that I am God" looks like-- because WE don't.
*If you are always saying no, they will find a situation in which to do it but it will be without your guidance.

Back Door to Your Teen's Heart- Sissy Goff
*To the degree that kids can predict you, they will dismiss you.
*You can't be Jesus to your kids, but you can need Him in front of them.

Jen Hatmaker General Session
*We can give our kids a safe and happy life or cultivate in them a single-minded passion for the Kingdom.
*He has a whole world to save and redeem. Someone has to go. May we raise kids who will say, "Here am I, Lord. Send me."
*Live it or you have no hope of leading it.
*We can't possibly lead our children on mission if we aren't on mission ourselves.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Pity Party of One, Please

I'm just telling you. I don't know if it's human nature or just me, but I seem to crash the lowest after my highest of highs. I am feeling ROUGH tonight. This week holds two of my year's most exciting events... On Thursday, my best friend, Jennifer, and her girls are coming up from Atlanta to meet us and drive to Nashville for the Taylor Swift concert. We got the tickets for all of us and the girls for Christmas. Our girls are all the biggest buddies and they are beyond excited, and I am too (or at least I hope to be once I get out of this funk). Then we get back on Friday morning and the dotMom conference starts. This conference is the highlight of my year every single year. It's typically in Birmingham, but this year it's in Chattanooga. We had planned to get a big group together and go and also slumber party it up at my house for the weekend. 

As most of life's fun events do, these have come with major coordination and planning, which is exhausting. Plus, the "big group" has deteriorated into a few and only two of the few are spending the night. As I start to get discouraged about that, I think of how many times in life something has turned out like this and you look back and know that it worked out exactly as it should... how many times God turns what can be an impersonal large group into a way more intimate small group and uses it as a time to bring people close together and minister to each other. So I'm kind of counting on that. :)

This week is Homecoming Week, which is always SO much fun. But again, with that, comes lots of craziness and some extra work in determining costumes and such. I think I'm giving up tomorrow and just wearing what I feel like, which is pjs and a robe, maybe with some Kleenex stuck up my nose. That's Wacky Wednesday, right? Today was the girls' picture day which meant rolling one head of hair last night and getting up early enough to double French braid the other this morning. 

Some things at school have been really challenging, which lodges in my gut and won't go away. I taught Sunday School Sunday night and don't know that I have ever felt like a lesson bombed any harder than that one did. Rather than walk away and be done, I've continued mulling that over in my head. 

In an admirable Mom of the Year move, I have ignored the Fire Safety posters both of my children wanted to do to enter in a contest. In fact, I've moved the sheets waaaaaaaaaayyyy to the far side of the counter in the hopes that both girls will forget the contest and the prizes they had hoped to win by drawing a kitchen aflame. 

My car (and my classroom and my house) is a wreck. People will be riding in it Thursday (and parents visiting my classroom next Tuesday and people staying at my house Friday night). There are so many things I am supposed to be working on, ordering, planning, writing, emailing, etc. It's really a travesty that I am not doing so many things right now. But I just can't find the motivation. 

Apparently my brain is mush because there is an Open House at school next Tuesday night and I promise I have never heard one mention of it until today. I spent tonight trying to communicate with 9 people in my book club (ALL of whom replied, which might be a first!) to reschedule next TUESDAY'S meeting. 

So. That's my pity party. That and the runny nose, sneezing, and dizziness that seem  to be my party favors.

Nothing like an entertaining, educational, and encouraging blog post, huh?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Doing a Little Dreamin'

Been thinking a lot about dreams lately... dreams fulfilled and dreams to come. My AP class is reading The Alchemist and it always provokes discussion and thought about dreams, plus my recent self-reflection for my HOF speech, then I taught Sunday School last night and asked a few questions at the end, one of which being, "What is your biggest God-dream? Your biggest/no holds barred/anything is possible work you would like to do for Him?"

I do believe I am living my dream for my life in my teaching job and in working with Royal Family and other ministry work. However, I have other dreams that are as yet unfulfilled.

I would love to, probably after retirement, work with a non-profit (or even START a non-profit).

Just one time, I would like to work with refugees in an active area... like today along the Syrian border.

I want to do something amazing with my camera. I want that one picture that tells a story that matters to the world. Preferably of a child or an event of historic or societal significance.

I would like to work in some aspect with people working against crimes against humanity.

I hope that at some point soon, I will get to teach with someone who was my student. In my department.

I want to visit many, many, many more countries.

I'd like to travel the entire US.

I want the four of us to go on a family mission trip. Preferably many of them.

This one is not a secret to anyone who knows me, but it's not something I talk about too much because I keep it very close to my heart. I hope and pray that one day the calling I feel that God placed on my life when I was just a very young child will come to fruition and we will adopt a child.

I desperately want to write a book. A real one. With a real publisher and real buyers. :)

I think it's important sometimes to just sit down and think about your dreams. Some of these are relatively simple and I know I can accomplish them. Others are far more complex and I have no idea if they will come to be. Still others involve other people and dynamics and depend on the support of many more beyond myself. No matter how they play out, they occupy places in my heart right now. And there they will continue to grow.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Best Friday the 13th EVER

Yesterday was a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I will remember it for the levels of terror inside me that I never even thought existed as well as for the first time in my life that I actually had my vision go black and my legs feel disattached and legitimately almost passed out. Most of all, though, I will remember it for the beauty of the day.

It's no secret to anyone that I love Cleveland High School with all my heart. I loved my time in high school probably more than is normal and as soon as I changed my major to English, I knew there was nowhere in the world I would rather teach. Thankfully I was blessed with a job upon graduation and the rest is history. I love the history, the traditions, the academics, the athletics, and the people both past and present. I love the Raider. I bleed blue and white. At times, it's probably a bit obnoxious to those around me and I have enough Raider shirts to clothe a small nation. From shoes to key chains to ipad covers to anything I can buy in blue, I do. In fact, as much as I hate on TN fans, I am every bit as fanatic as a Blue Raider fan.

So being inducted into the Alumni Hall of Fame yesterday at my beloved alma mater and workplace was absolutely an honor that can't be topped. I have no idea who nominated me, but my goodness I am so blessed by it. Yesterday's morning assembly was just a first-class example of Cleveland class. The gym looked beautiful, the ceremony was professional, and our students... good grief. Those kids sat for nearly two hours... in bleachers... in SILENCE. I could see everyone and I didn't even see much fidgeting! They dazzled me and made me proud on a level I hadn't known before. The inductees and presenters were just everything that is good about CHS. From doctors to lawyers to educators to a vocalist to a youth pastor to a screenwriter to businessmen... it truly was a cross-section of the caliber of CHS graduate and the offerings they present to this world. The speeches were so moving and I want to go back and listen again now that I don't feel like I am about to throw up. There were just so many gems of wisdom in those speeches. We had a reception last night in our beautiful dining hall that was so special and beautiful. So many people worked so hard on this event. The actual Hall of Fame had already been displayed in the area leading to the cafeteria! Then last night at the game, they recognized us again at half-time and gave us our plaques.

Quite possibly my favorite moment of the entire day though, and there were many incredible moments, was when the inductees walked down the track to wait for our turn on the field and our ridiculous, amazing, wonderful, BLUE student section, all painted up and waving flags, started chanting "HALL OF FAME! HALL OF FAME!" (I'm just going to be honest, I'm crying right now typing this. I'm also going to be honest and say it doesn't take much.) You see, teenagers get such a bad rap. But it's undeserved. Those kids? They get it. They didn't see this as some boring event that had nothing to do with them. They see, whether they are consciously aware of it or not, that they are part of a tradition. They are part of something bigger than themselves, something they will carry with them forever. They may gripe and complain at times about things at school, but deep down, they are Raiders. Forever. I have seen student sections do some pretty awful things like throwing bottles into the crowd and spitting on visiting band members. Not these guys. These guys gave some middle-aged Blue Raiders a moment that they will remember forever.

So anyway, I'm just happy today. I'm happy to have been included, I'm happy to see some majorly deserving people be honored, I'm happy to think of future Hall of Fame induction ceremonies, and I'm most happy that our students made us so proud and presented themselves to the public in the demeanor that we all know and love... honorable, spirited, and respectful.

Below is the speech I don't technically remember much about giving because I was too focused on avoiding a call to the paramedics.

"I loved my years at Cleveland High School so much I found a way to stay here forever. 

I am honored to be included in this prestigious group of people and most honored to be part of the Blue Raider tradition. 

I was so blessed in my time at
CHS to be surrounded by teachers and students who were passionate. 

They were passionate about learning, about their world, and about each other. It was these relationships with teachers who felt that what they were doing mattered and an education that went beyond these walls that fostered a desire in me to live a life of passionate service.

It seems cliche to quote Emerson in a speech, but he has an often Pinterested line that is truly my life's goal: "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded." 

So no matter where you all end up after you cross that stage at Raider Field, find something in life that you are passionate about improving with your presence....

Something that makes your heart beat fast, that makes you want to get up in the mornings. Whether it's an occupation, a cause, or another person, seek it out. This world needs you to sponsor its children, love on its broken-hearted, right its wrongs,  work for its charities, and bring joy to its inhabitants. 

I am grateful beyond words that God called me to this place, both as a student for those football state championship years in the 90s and in 2001 as a teacher, that He called me to this career that makes me excited to get to work every morning, and that He called me to you, my past, present, and future students-- YOU are my people...Thank you."

Monday, September 2, 2013

Meditate on These Things

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8

Tonight, I'm so grateful for....

*A husband who will cut a fishing trip short without me saying a word, just apparently sensing that his presence makes me more at peace
*Giant bags of snacks brought by friends to Grandaddy in the ICU
*Pieces of furniture that have been sitting in my garage for almost a year, just waiting for a time when I need a project
*God-sent paramedics who just happen to be lifelong family friends
*AT&T's Better is Better commercials
*Classes full of students who fill my days with delight
*Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends
*Wi-fi (just being honest)
*Two little girls who brighten my every day (and one of whom is like a parent to me and even packed me a phone charger that first night in the ER and surgical waiting room)
*Roller coasters (even though I haven't been on one in a year)
*LABOR. DAY. (specifically 3 day weekends)
*4 day workweeks (I know that goes with the last point, but it deserves mentioning again)
*Papers to grade (I really have tried to see it as a plus, but I just can't)
*God-fearing doctors and nurses and phenomenal local hospitals
*3000 pictures that need to be edited of the most special 10 days of my life to this point
*Ice cream
*Little tiny bags of goldfish crackers that need to be put together for lunches
*Medical helicopters
*Grocery store trips when extra lines are opened to cut down on the time spent when no one even knows that every minute is life or death
*Top notch surgeons who leave the gym to come operate (even when they do appear to only be 16 years old) and world-renowned neurologists who are in Chattanooga when we needed them
*Summer, even when it doesn't know to come around until September
*Future plans that remind me that life doesn't stop
*Former students who play college football and make Monday night more fun
*Really cool cultural project assignments that both give an opportunity to help my 3rd grader AND an excuse to learn, talk, and show more about Cambodia
*Coke (c'mon, surely you didn't think any list was complete without that???)
*So, so, so many great books
*A God who has every moment of our lives held firmly in His hand

And tomorrow, though unknown to me, is already known to Him. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

In Case You Have Ever Wondered (as I Have)...

I had no way of knowing last week when I wrote the "Walk Beside Them" post that, in only two days, we would be the people needing loved ones to walk beside us. See, that's the thing about life... it can change in seconds. And even though we always say that and profess an understanding of that fact, I don't think we ever really believe it can happen to us... until it does.

A brief backstory before I get to the point of this post....

On Tuesday of this past week, I got a phone call just after the bell from Mom. I knew from the moment she started talking that something was very wrong. Grandaddy had run to the grocery store and come home to find Grandmother on the floor of the kitchen. Mom was telling me she was headed there, to pray, and that she had him call 911. I ran out of my room, called Kraig to get the girls and Melissa to tell her, and headed for Grandmother's, praying the entire time. My prayer, as frantic prayers often are, was a one-focus plea: "Not yet. Just please don't let this happen right now. Just give us more time with her. Please." I met the ambulance going down her road and ran in behind the paramedics. Natalie arrived soon after me and they told us they suspected a stroke and were going to take her to be airlifted to Erlanger. I drove Grandaddy and Mom and Natalie down and the rest of the family came a few at a time, along with our pastor and another church staff member/friend.

The first word was that it was a massive stroke and the TPA (or something) treatment didn't work, so they had to take her to surgery to get the clot. They said her chances were 50/50 on surviving the surgery but if she did, they were hopeful that the effects were reversible. We prayed there in the ER and went to the tiny waiting room upstairs, about 23 of us. A little over an hour later, after some friends had arrived, the doctor came in to say that she survived the surgery, they got the clot, and the next 24 hours were critical. We did get in to see her that night and it appeared very grim. Late that night, after we all went home and left Mom and Grandaddy up there, they were called up to discuss her final wishes because she had bleeding on her brain.

Once we got that word on Wednesday, we got subs and all of us grandchildren went down, planning to say goodbye. What we found instead was Grandmother alert, seeming to recognize us, moving, and trying to talk some. It was a wonderful step forward and the start of hope for us. Since Wednesday, it has been continual improvement with a few days of delay and discouragement when they would have her on a medicine that made her sleep. The hope is that tomorrow they can move her to a room and that the effects from the stroke are minimal. She certainly knows us all and has some intelligible words and even still responds with the same mannerisms and voice cadences that she always has. She has laughed and smiled frequently. She doesn't seem to be discouraged, only a little frustrated with her inability to talk at times.

I'll write later about all of the specific blessings of the Lord in this. But today, I just want to say some thank you's.

I feel like I write a lot on here about what a tremendous blessing the people in my life are to me, but I have never felt it more acutely than I did this week. From the very first moment of texting friends and calling family members, we have been surrounded by such love and care and concern. It has certainly made me rethink my own response to the crises of others.

So, in case you have ever wondered (as I have) if it matters at all to people when they post a facebook need for prayer and you reply with "Praying!".... It does. 
Every single comment (of the HUNDREDS that have been left) comforted my heart. Hearing from friends near and far, people we haven't seen or really talked to in years, hearing what she meant to people has been amazing. Every single comment, even just the lone word "praying", made us feel less alone.

In case you have ever wondered (as I have) if sending a text a couple of times a day (or more) just asking for updates makes people feel any better... It does.
Every person who has texted, some who are close friends of mine and some whom I don't even talk to as often, have each soothed my heart.
In case you have ever wondered (as I have) if offering to come sit in a waiting room, pick kids up from school, bring meals, any sort of offer of help, even if they never take you up on it, provides people with a level of security...It does.
I have always known I had wonderful friends and family. I knew there were people in my life who would do anything for me. I just never knew there were so many. I haven't taken anyone up on the offers (haven't needed to) but that does not mean they weren't so appreciated. Knowing that if I needed to run down to the hospital that I could leave the girls with friends or there were Mayfield teachers who offered to take them places after school took one additional concern off my plate. I have had people check in on me with whom I have never shared a meal or hung out with a single time, but they know me and care.
In case you have ever wondered (as I have) if it matters to people when you just offer them a distraction, a chance to talk about other things and everyday life...It does.
Each night, after I have left family and have been alone in my car headed home, I have been so afraid that if I start letting myself think and cry, I will cry forever. It has been so special to have a friend I could call and be distracted from everything and just reminded that life goes on. My coworkers have been absolutely amazing at both offering all levels of help and support and just giving me room to cope as I have needed. The number of teenagers (yes, those people who are stereotyped as being egotistical and selfish and unfeeling) in my classes who asked about her, former students who sent texts and tweets of support has encouraged me and validated the views I already had of them.
In case you have ever wondered (as I have) if children get any benefit from the concern shown by others...They do.
I got the sweetest reply emails to the messages I sent Emma and Kelsey's teachers. And I overheard the girls the other night talking to each other about all of the people who told them they were sorry and were praying for Grandmother. They were commenting to each other how much better it made them feel when their friends, teachers, and people at church talked to them about it.
In case you have ever wondered how important a solid family foundation and a beautiful church family can be... It is.
At any given moment, someone has been down here with Grandaddy. The cousins have carpooled back and forth and taken turns sleeping down here. Every visitation has found numerous family members present. And if things had turned out differently, every one of us was together the night of the surgery and would have been there for each other. We have had pastoral staff visit at least once a day and numerous church friends and family friends visiting with us or offering prayer and physical help. I have said it so many times in my life and it was reiterated throughout this, I do not know how people without a church family are able to survive.
In case you have ever wondered (as I have) if prayer can be felt by people and if it makes a real difference...It does.
There were people across this nation and even in other countries who were lifting our family and my grandmother up in prayer. People praying for peace and comfort for us and for His best will in regard to her. I posted on facebook that Kelsey prayed before bed the other night "We pray that you would make Grandmother all better, either by fixing her here or taking her to heaven and we will still be happy no matter which one You do." That has been our prayer all along and I know it has been the prayer of those who agreed with us. Grandaddy shared with me last night that the first night, after they had been called up to sign some things and get grim news, he laid awake and prayed for so long, just confused about what had happened and how fast. He said on up in the morning, just before dawn, he felt as plainly as could be the Lord say, "I have more for her to do." With that, he was filled with peace and slept restfully till morning. He has been so calm throughout this whole ordeal and I know it's the peace of the Lord filling Him.

I probably won't even talk to all of the people who have in some way lightened this load. But I think I can thank them by paying it forward. I'm sure I'll write more about that later, but it has really opened my eyes to a world I did not even know about before now.

But thank you, to everyone who has offered anything. And just know, in case you have ever wondered (as I have) if you can make a huge difference in the life of another person...You can. And have.