My Walmart Miracle

Who knew Walmart was going to be the place I found my hope again?

A bit of backstory:

The past week or two have been complicated. Not BAD, not HORRIBLE, just complicated.

Last week, I took a sick day on Monday for a doctor appt that I was certain was going to bring really scary news. I had not expressed these fears to ANYONE, including Kraig, but all weekend the weekend before, I had a sense that it was my last weekend of normalcy. Sunday night, my mom took my dad to the ER with difficulty breathing and they admitted him. On Monday morning, as I waited in the waiting room on the verge of a panic attack, I got a text from my mom that my dad's issues were more serious than pneumonia or a weird heart rhythm. As you might imagine, that day went downhill and I spent the remainder of my sick day at the hospital. However.... the bad news I expected to get at the dr office? Not a bit! All is well, praise the Lord.

My dad was in the hospital all week and during that time, Emma got sick and I had to stay home from school with her on Friday. Another family member had a scheduled surgical procedure Friday and Kraig was at the hospital for that, then he was out of town for the weekend of recovery, which left me with four kids, a prom, and school responsibilities.

Prom, although awesome, was complicated because A. I've never had a son before (he wore green and navy checked socks with a black suit-- it is what it is), B. I was chauffeuring him and his date, C. I have three other kids, D. I had an opportunity to make prom happen for a student of mine which meant additional driving and helping and arranging and planning, and E. I am a member of prom committee and had duties at the actual prom.

In the middle of that, I got word that a student's mom had lost her car. We got through the weekend (my dad came home from the hospital with news of an upcoming heart surgery) and I planned to address the car need on Monday.

On Sunday night, I got a text reminding me that I needed to come up with a plan, so I started trying. I'm sure it will be an entire post for a future time (maybe the one that explains my career change, haha!), but I have come to realize that finding resources is absolutely impossible and even the ones you can find aren't easy to use or navigate or understand. Sunday night, I was just MAD. It's NOT FAIR that things are either easy or hard for people through no fault of their own, but their circumstances. It's NOT FAIR that the systems are so impossible to utilize.

I spent my planning period on Monday calling agencies and wild-goose-chasing random employees of my school and school system for a plan. The problem, like all issues in these cyclical situations, is that there is more than just one issue. Monday afternoon, I took her home from school and made more calls to agencies. Again, nothing but dead ends and useless tries.

Monday night, I had moved into frustrated planning mode. I got some suggestions from a few friends, but I was annoyed by many pieces of the puzzle, most of which I need to keep to myself. As I told a friend last night when I was so frustrated I was almost crying, "I guess I just have some really big feelings about this."

By Tuesday, after more dead ends and few return phone calls or follow ups (thanks, though, to Lisa Wylie and Kelli Kyle who sent me some great information), I was feeling beaten down. I had a little bit of a window before I needed a school transportation plan and that window closes Wed afternoon, so Tuesday midday was feeling tight. Another agency I talked to today was a good option for some things (I have to be vague), but I needed to talk to the mom of my student about it and the only way to do that was going to be to call her. This was a problem because: I HATE talking on the phone, I had no idea how to broach very personal life situations with her, I don't know her really at all, I had no idea how she was going to react to me basically butting in, and you can't read tone on the phone.

In addition, I could not get ahead for a second on anything school-related and all of my tomorrows for "I'll do that tomorrow" are getting gone. In addition, I have a big day planned tomorrow for all three classes that requires lots of set up and I have no time, no place, no opportunity, and no way to do it (no planning period tomorrow either). In the midst of all this, I got a text from Kraig that the Christmas gifts for the SP sweetie we are buying for are due TODAY and I haven't thought a thing about it, much less purchased them. SO. That means a trip shopping this afternoon, which was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I already needed to go to Aldi for ingredients for two events I'm having to make food for tomorrow. Now THIS would mean WALMART. We went to see my grandparents after school and I called Kraig to tell him I would just need to come back out tonight and shop because my invalid child didn't need to walk around Walmart. Kraig said to just bring the boys to him and he would take them home and I could just take the girls.

I have spent all afternoon feeling hopeless. I even posted on fb and said, "My righteous indignation is gone. Now I'm just annoyed, frustrated, tired, and sad. Also I'm still teaching and mom'ing. Please keep praying for my dad. That's all I've got for today." When I put that post up, my thought was, "I guess it's time to walk away. I don't know where to turn from here, I don't know how to help, and maybe it's useless anyway. I tried."

{Enter: Walmart Miracle}

The girls and I did our shopping in record time, found everything for sweet J for Christmas, got what I needed for the food I needed to fix, and headed out. It took a minute of disorientation to realize it when we couldn't find the car, but as we crossed the main drive of Walmart, I realized we had come out the opposite door we went in. The girls were all three talking and I wasn't listening at all. Finally, one phrase cut through my depressed and martyred stupor: "I think that was ____'s {student whose mom lost her car} mom." I stopped in the middle of the Walmart parking lot. WHAT??? These girls of mine have seen this woman in ONE picture. That's it. No way they recognized her. WHERE??? They point to the sidewalk outside Walmart and said, "Sitting on the ground with the buggy." From where I was, I could see only the buggy. I sent them on to the car and headed back just to see, still doubting so seriously it could be her.

I don't even need to tell you this, but.... IT WAS. And I was able to sit down beside her on the ledge outside Walmart, face to face, and talk to her about their situation, their needs, a plan, agencies I had talked to, specific information, and her feelings on getting help. No need to worry about a phone call or not knowing how she would respond. BUT. GOD. I didn't walk away from our talk with everything figured out, but I walked away armed with needed information, with her blessing to continue to make efforts, and with HOPE. I don't need to worry that it's beyond my scope because, as Priscilla Shirer and Gideon are showing me, it's at the end of me that He shows up. I looked up into that brilliant blue sky above a Walmart parking lot and I just smiled so big at a good God who knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

I got in the car with my girls who were waiting to hear how their amazing observation skills and their caring hearts had paid off and I said, "God is SO MUCH bigger than we are." Emma said, "That is EXACTLY what I just said." As I told them about our conversation, my cryer cried out of a heart of compassion, my doer proposed a plan of action, and my giver said, "I have some money. Not much, but a lil' bit. You can have it for them." {It has to be noted that my giver has been on the receiving end for much of her life and she understands what it means to be in need.}

I am still blown away. I cannot comprehend how many things had to fall in place for me to be at Walmart at that exact moment, for my girls to recognize a woman they had seen in ONE picture, and for that scenario to fall into place. Don't doubt God. He's even on the Walmart sidewalk, the LAST place I would expect him to be.

Priscilla Shirer, Gideon, and Me

I've been doing Priscilla Shirer's Gideon study with some people from my church and it has rocked my world week after week. A few weeks ago, I taught our high school Sunday School class and used Priscilla Shirer's lesson as a jumping off point. I told them the same thing I'll say here... much of this (I'll try to point out where it's hers and mine) is Priscilla Shirer's. :)

From Priscilla Shirer:

Judges 6:11-12

The Angel came, and sat. Gideon was threshing (hiding). Angel then appeared TO HIM.

There was no music, no lightning strike, the angel just showed up in the midst of a boring day— even a day when he was not getting to do his work in the regular way. 

Oh, how many days do I spend in the mundane, sometimes even in situations where I don't get to do my work in the usual way, but instead am thrown off by some family issue at home, some interruption in our school schedule, some email from a parent that gets me all worked up and upset, some off-hand comment by a student that wounds me to my core? And it is in THAT sort of scenario that the angel appeared.

From Priscilla Shirer:

Ephesians 1:18-19- Eyes of your heart opened, so that you will know the hope of his calling

Gideon was aware of God’s presence—> he discovered his calling—> THEN he found the power to accomplish it

Explanation of wheat threshing— foreshadowing of what God was going to ask Gideon to do (separate his people from the Baal worship)

Today’s tasks, even the most mundane, are preparation for tomorrow’s calling

Are we doing the most mundane duty FAITHFULLY? Even when it’s hard and it’s not what we chose?

I've had some days this past year when the most mundane was NOT executed faithfully by me. I have forgotten at times that every single day is preparation for tomorrow's calling. Sometimes in the middle of some hard with my kids, in the middle of these tough teen years, as I struggle to hold on, I think how much easier it would be not to hold on so tightly.... not to struggle to monitor online activity, to keep tabs on friend and peer groups, to enjoy some blissful ignorance. But every time I think that, I have to remind myself that I'm not simply parenting teens, I'm building adults. It matters every day today, because their future matters. Last year, I made a shirt that said "Your daily grind is holy ground". That was a really valuable reminder for me. 

From Priscilla Shirer:
The Lord is with you,

and called him “valiant warrior”.

Gibbor Chayil (Gib-or hile) — Might man of valor (Eishet Chayil— ay-shet hile)

Describes David’s warrios who had done courageous exploits on behalf of the king— elite fighters, handpicked to perform special tasks, champions

Made sense

Gideon was hunched over, cowering in the winepress

God’s view was not bound by Gideon’s reality or actions

The angel had already told Gideon WHO was with him, now he revealed what was IN HIM

The assignment for which God is calling will go unrealized unless we are convinced of the spiritual strength he has given us to accomplish it.

Gideon was called a valiant warrior. 

No matter how you feel, what Scripture says about you is truth.

Your circumstances do not dictate your capabilities.

The angel calls Gideon something that is not specific to his current behavior, but something that illustrates his potential.

This is the part that got me. When that angel called Gideon "Valiant Warrior" and Priscilla made the point that he called Gideon "something that is not specific to his current behavior, but something that illustrates his potential", it smacked me right in the face. Not only for myself, but for my kids, as a parent. How often do I label them (only in my head, but STILL) based on their current behaviors and weaknesses? I can't do that. I have to call forth the potential in them! I have to speak life in them! 

How often, this year, have I called myself a failure as a teacher based on this year's outward experiences? I'll be vulnerable for a minute and say that a year in which not a single kid in any senior night sport OR the 4.0 Banquet picked me as a favorite teacher STUNG. And it redefined the way I see myself as a teacher. Basically, I took 16 years of success and scrapped it in the threshing cave because the current situation said I wasn't "enough". And now, I have a choice. I can either let this year, this year of hiding in the cave threshing, shape the next 13 and label myself based on this year's experience, or I can call out the potential in me for the next 13 (and the past 16). 13 years is a long time to feel like a failure. But it's not long at all to feel like "Eishet Chayil", Woman of Valor.

As I was studying for the lesson, I started to wonder how often in the Bible God called people based on their potential rather than their current circumstances. I did use specific places where God verbally called them something, so a few of the ones I expected to have don't show up on the list (Moses, Noah, Jonah). However, below is a list of calls of God to people whom He labeled with their potential rather than their current circumstances.

Abraham: 

Genesis 12:7- “To your offspring I will give this land.”

75 year old childless couple

Moses:

Exodus 3:6- “I am the God of your ancestors”

Abandoned, exiled- Exodus 2:22- “I am a stranger in a foreign land”

Jeremiah:

Jeremiah 1:5- “Before you were born… I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Young and lacking experience- Jeremiah 1:6- “I do not know how to speak, I am too young”

Jacob:

Genesis 35:10- “Your name is Jacob, but you will no longer be Jacob; your name will be Israel.” and gave him the land for his descendants

Deceiver: Named Jacob from birth and fulfilled his name until God gave him a new one

David:

1 Samuel 16 — Man looks on outward appearance but God looks on the heart… Verse 12: “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.”

A shepherd boy called a king

Mary:

Luke 1:28- “Favored woman”

A young, unmarried girl to be the mother of the king of the world

John the Baptist:

Luke1:76- “the one who speaks for the Most High”

 A baby born to elderly parents, living in a desert

Simon Peter:

Luke 5:10- “Fisher of men” and Rock

Sinful man- Luke 5:8

Paul:

Acts 9:15- “This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles”

Abuser and - Acts 9:13- “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem”

From Priscilla Shirer:

Below is a list she gave of Self-Image and God-Image, along with Bible references. I asked the high schoolers to pick one that resonated with them, write the self-image word on one side of a card and the God-image and Biblical reference on the other. Then I asked them, over the top of the self-image, to write either Eishet Chayil (for girls) and Gibbor Chayil (for boys). I kept my card, with "Incompetent" barely showing under the bold sharpie written "Eishet Chayil". I'm going to put it in a prominent place on my desk at school, to serve as a reminder for the next 13 years that my current circumstances do not dictate the way God sees me and the way I see myself.

Self-Image God-Image Bible Reference

fearful courageous Josh 1:9, Psalms 138:3

incompetent capable 2 Cor 3:5-6

ungifted equipped 1 Cor 1:4-8, Hebrews 13:20-21

worthless valuable 1 Peter 2:9, Matthew 6:26

rejected accepted John 15:16

insignificant special Zephaniah 3:17, Ephesians 1:3-6

One.

one.

I tried to get on board with the one little word rage years ago, but honestly, I am just too verbose to make that happen. ;) So I have tended to choose phrases for my years instead. I don't do "resolutions", but I do make lists of focuses each year. Last January, I was in survival mode and didn't really choose a word at all, just kept hanging onto certain Bible verses the Lord gave me as if my life depended on them (and honestly, it did). At the end of 2017, I realized my word for that year had been "hold". And hold, we had and we did.

This year, I saw a post on a page I follow where people were sharing their word and, although I already felt like I had a clear idea of my focus goals for 2018, I had no clue what word I could have. As the days between Christmas and New Year's passed, I felt this word start to crystallize in my spirit: one. And by New Year's Day, I had a pretty good understanding of what that word is supposed to represent and mean to me in my 2018 life.

First of all and most importantly, it represents the One Who gives me life and purpose. I already mentioned that in 2017, I lived hanging onto His word like a lifeline. And that was important and good. But in 2018, I want to live hanging onto His word because I want to, not out of a sense of desperation. I want to live with Him as my first thought in the mornings and my last thought in the evenings and my sweet conversation in the between hours. I want to be more intentional about my daily devotionals, our family devotionals, and encouraging my kids to make Him the center of it all. I want to give Him my every concern and worry, taking on the "easy rhythms of His grace".

Secondly, there are some specific areas I want to stop talking about "one day" and instead treat as "day one". One of those is my writing. I am going to write regularly this year, but more importantly than that, I am using this year to collect the writing I have already done. I am copying my Facebook posts every day from my "On this Day" app and am going to collect my Instagram posts as well. At the end of 2018, I should have a good feel for what I already have as far as content and should be ready to choose the focus of what I want my first book to be. I am not going to reach the end of my life and look back at the dreams I had and wonder where I lost them along the way. I am 40 right now, and it's time to accomplish one of them.

I tend to get wrapped up in fears and anxieties and stress and thought patterns (and googling and following rabbit trails and basically just creating things to worry about). I think part of my one is to remind me this next year of what I am really good at reminding my students of, but stink at following myself.... one thing at a time. one day at a time. one task at a time. one issue at a time. one bite-size chunk of life at a time. That's all I can handle and it's all I need to handle.

I also want to be better about maximizing my time and attention in regard to the people in my life. In 2018, I intend to be more purposeful about visiting my grandparents. I want to make the most of time with my parents and for my kids to see both sets of grandparents more frequently. I feel like we have lost some social connections over the past couple of years and I want to make sure to make those a priority again. I am creating time and space for my husband and me to have dates, and we are continuing our alone times with each of our children. In regard to these areas, I want to treat the one I am with, at any given moment, as if they are the most important one on earth to me. Because they are.

In a similar vein, I mentioned at the end of 2017 that I worried I hadn't connected as well to my students this year (although I feel more connected to my colleagues, in some sort of paradox). I am continuing some things and starting some new ones to make a connection to my students, things like writing a card to one student in each class every week. I won't get to all of them, but at the end of the semester I write a card to each student anyway and so I want to use these cards to reach out to either kids who seem to really need a connection or to one who is going through a tough time.

Sometimes I get so bogged down in everything I want to do for this world around me that I become almost paralyzed with the overwhelming feeling of never being enough. This year, I want to remember the phrase that I think was attributed to Mother Theresa, "Do for one what you wish you could do for millions." I want to hone in once again on the ministries that are dearest to my heart and pour myself out to those instead of feeling like I need to do a little dabble in everything.

Finally, and the fact that I put this last makes it obvious where it falls in my own mind as far as importance, although I know it probably needs to be close to the top to make the rest of it work.... I have to make this one.... ME.... a priority. I have to carve out space for myself to recharge, to be cared for, to have fun, and I have to make my health a focus. I want to continue my better sleep and water intake of 2016-2017 and add better eating and activity habits to that. I want to make sure that I am doing the things needed for my own emotional and physical and mental wellbeing.

So that's my 2018 focus word and the ways it's going to play out. One. One year to finish stronger than I started it. Let's do this.

The Instant Pot of Life

This afternoon, I opened the cabinet door and slid the plastic lid into its rightful place in the cardboard holder. As I pushed a little bit to get it past the glass bowls, I could hear the echoes of my own voice in my head and I flushed a little, even though no one was in the kitchen with me and even if they were, they couldn't hear the failure replaying in my head.

It was that frantic last week of school before Christmas break and the pressure had built like it does in that new cooking rage, the Instant Pot. I was worried about grades for 4, a presentation for 1, a volleyball tryout for 1, and the end of the semester for myself. I finally blew up over the fact that the dishes person had not put the glass bowls and lids back the way they should have been and I had to rearrange that cabinet. Glass bowls and plastic lids. A 1x2 foot cabinet. Those things were big enough to me that day to lose my mind on a kid who didn't deserve it at all. And lose it, I did. I yelled and fumed and said hurtful things. I belittled and shamed. Then I sighed and huffed, acting like the rearrangement of that cabinet was equal to dismantling an entire living structure myself and rebuilding it. Then, just to make sure my point was made, I pouted for a good while afterward.

And in so doing, I tore pieces in a foundation that I had been carefully laying with that kid and all of my family. 

Why? Why did those stupid lids and bowls, that cabinet that is overfull anyway, why did they matter so much right then? Why didn't I just fix it and move on?

Today when things were out of place, I just moved them back. Today when we were having our family cleaning day and four people half did a job, I just calmly called them back down and had them redo it. And when I opened that cabinet and relived those moments from three weeks ago, I couldn't figure out why the things that were a giant deal then were just a simple thing today.

So I sat for a while this afternoon and I thought about all of it. Because when it matters, and this does, you have to find a way to do better. You have to identify the problem and figure out a way to work through it. Because you work too hard to build something that matters, something of lasting material,  to just tear it down in a moment over plastic and glass.

It's the pressure. It's the stress. It's the fast living. And it's compounded by 7 in this house. This break has been just exactly like summer was for me and for us.... just glorious. We enjoyed each other and we treasured our time. Every day that has ticked by this past week has made the anxiety increase for me because I know we are headed back into the Instant Pot of Life.

So what's the answer? We can't exactly quit our jobs and school and become hermits. We can't withdraw from our activities. We can't avoid the stress and pressure of grades and jobs and so on. What can we do?

Well, we can carve out as much time as possible for mini-breaks. We can keep our weekends as open as we can so that our Saturdays become a time of respite and to catch up on our neglected rest and relationships and chores. We can make Sabbath space for us. We can stay on top of certain things so that they stay manageable, rather than morphing into giant tasks. We can remember to breathe. We can keep the main things, the main things. And we I can refuse to allow ourselves myself to blow up over plastic bowls and lids stupid petty things that don't matter a bit in the grand scheme of things.

Small Town Mary

As I am packing away the Christmas decorations, I found myself lingering over this little Nativity set. I remember when we watched "The Nativity Story" this year, and as with every year, a new aspect of the movie and the story spoke to me. This year, I honed in on Mary, mostly, and Joseph too, and the fact that though it is not detailed much in the Bible, their humanity.

Mary seemed to take the Angel at his word, and pretty easily. However, the part the Bible leaves out that the creative version of the movie portrays most painfully is the reaction of the townspeople to her perceived disgrace. The looks, the whispers, the disgust..... And once the angel had appeared to Joseph as well, she did have someone with whom to share the weight of the Promise, but it didn't clear up the misperceptions. I have thought of this part before and felt sympathy for Mary and Joseph.

At this viewing, however, another thought struck me: I have always sort of thought of them as having nine months or so of embarrassment and righteous indignation, then the rest of their lives being a kind of supernatural "told you so". See, if there is one thing about me that I love, it's a chance to be proven right. I don't necessarily mind being wrong and I am always happy to apologize if I'm wrong, but nothing makes me any crazier than being falsely accused or being right and others not realizing or acknowledging it. As we watched the movie this year, it hit me that Mary and Joseph had no sort of proclamation to those in Galilee that they had birthed the Son of God. An angel didn't accompany them back from Egypt, pointing at each person who had whispered about them, saying, "Told you, told you, told you..." Instead, they returned with their Son, this Son of God and Son of Man, and lived in the same sort of small town that I live in, a town where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows the past. Jesus grew up in this small town and no doubt the rumors followed Him and Mary and Joseph. It wasn't until many, many years later that His deity was realized, and even then not by everyone, partly by denial and partly by lack of proximity. Mary didn't have the option to Instagram story His turning water into wine at the wedding. No one was able to Facebook live the healings. Instead, Mary lived the remainder of her life as the Mother of God to those who knew and the Human Who Blew It to those who didn't.

It's yet another reminder of the humility that Mary possessed. The humility that we, that *I*, are so often lacking. And another reminder of the fact that God's ways are not man's, and He doesn't always choose to reveal His truths to clear our names, as much as we would like for Him to. Because ultimately, it's not about our comfort but rather about our obedience.

2017: Hold

Hold

/hōld/

verb

1. grasp, carry, or support with one's arms or hands.

noun

1. an act or manner of grasping something; a grip.

2. a fortress

My 2017 word, chosen in retrospect in this final day of 2017, is "hold". It was a year of holding to faith, to God, to my people, to the plow, to a Promise, to community. It was a year of building a fortress around our nuclear family and holding to each other and to home. It was a year of learning what to hold with tightly clasped hands and what to hold open-palmed, and learning to live more open-palmed. I am thankful for this year and the many blessings it has brought to us. I'm thankful for a year to hold fast to a Savior and His Will, for Him to prove his faithfulness. 

This year can be divided exactly and neatly into two halves in nearly every way. The first half was spent in a strange limbo as every aspect of our lives felt like we were stretched between two dimensions, trying to cherish and love the four who were here, knowing this time would never be again, and simultaneously feeling like we were missing our other halves. The wait was frustrating and faithbuilding and anxiety-inducing. At the same time, I had such an incredible last semester of the school year and felt so treasured by my classes and my people. We spent the first half of 2017 astounded at the glory of the Lord and His provision, as people poured out their support for our adoption. The first half was spent on uneasy ground after an election that drew sharp lines through communities and friendships and families. The first half was a frantic whirlwind of activity as we rearranged our entire house, fundraised like crazy people, and continued our regular activities and schedules. We had some parenting trials and some parenting fails in the spring of 2017, sparking some doubt in my mind that we were equipped for adding 3 more kids to parent. Because see, that's what the devil does when you are following God's call. He throws anything he can in your path to trip you up and bring doubt. 

The trip to the Philippines in June (straight from Royal Family, which will always amaze me with its appropriateness of timing) was the line between the two halves of the year for us. Our entire lives, our family, our world, changed in that week, changes all for the better. It was there and then that we found our completion to our family unit.

The second half of 2017 was vastly different than the first. Instead of the whirlwind of activity, we entered a season (at least of a few months) of almost unsettling calm. Our summer days were long and our nights even longer. No longer engaged in our own individual pursuits, our family was spending all of our time together in one room, playing games or watching movies, or outside for long summer nights playing volleyball or basketball or running around, sitting around the patio talking. We were feeling our way with each other, trying to figure out who we all were now that we were "we". We were falling in love not only with our new kids, but with the new selves we became with them. I will forever remember the summer of 2017 as the sweetest and scariest season of my life, spent relearning everything I thought I knew about everything, waiting on attachments to form rather than forcing them, and realizing for 100% certainty that Emma and Kelsey have grown into everything I ever hoped they would be. 

Then the school year started and with it the realization that dropping off and sending forth newly adopted teenagers to their first day of American public school is every bit as terrifying as leaving your kindergartner on his or her first day. We developed our new routines and rhythms with school and jobs and sports and church and activities. Everyone thrived, and most days it felt like I did too. The biggest adjustment for me this year came from having two kids at my school with me. I had always looked forward to that moment and in many ways it was as wonderful as I expected, but it has brought some challenges as well when your colleagues play different roles in the lives of your kids and you have to balance mom and coworker. My classes this semester have been awesome, although I have worried at times that I haven't connected with them like I normally do, and in those moments I wonder if I've reached the end of my reservoir of connection, if I'm pouring it all out at home and there just isn't enough left for school. 

In fact, connection.... true, genuine, authentic connection.... is something I have missed in my life this year. Partly due to lack of time and energy, maybe partly due to other reasons, we haven't had social experiences like we did in the past. We don't do couples dates, we never have people over, I don't go to girls nights, we never get asked to anyone else's house, no cousins clubs happened this year. I have missed those things somewhat, or maybe I just miss the IDEA of them. I have felt this entire year that there was a wall between me and much of my family and many of my friends and members of my various communities. And I don't know for certain what it was, though I do have my suspicions, but I hope to scale those walls in the coming year.

I turned 40 this year. It wasn't anything like I hoped and yet somehow it was even better. I had planned to have a big party (and I still plan to in the summer) and it just didn't feel worth it, so I didn't do it. It fell on Thanksgiving, which is the absolute worst case scenario in a first world, perfectly healthy sort of way. However, my sweet husband and beautiful friends arranged for one of the most special nights I can remember and it was absolute perfection. My mom and my family did an awesome party at her house before we left for West Virginia. My gifts this year top any occasion I can remember. It was the least painful and most fun 40th I ever didn't know I wanted.

This fall semester has been proof that God knew exactly what He was doing when He put my family together, from those long nights of AOL Instant Messaging with Kraig in 1998 to that beautiful baby with exquisite lips and a perfect hairline in 2003 to that adorable and gigantic fuzzy-headed baby with the gorgeous eyes that saw straight through to your soul in 2005 to the breathtaking black-haired trio with the shy smiles and sparkling eyes in August of 2016. We are blessed, we are loved, and we are each other's.

And now I'm ready to wake tomorrow in a new year, a year that will only know us as 7, a year of creating new memories and hope. A year to settle in and love deep and reach out. A year of hopefully calm waters and deeper faith. A year to build something that will last.

Family Meeting and Bullet Journal

I'm ashamed to say that sticking to things is hard for me. In fact, a few years ago I got home from a mom conference and sat down with Emma and Kelsey and sheets of paper to make some plans and procedures. Emma wrote this heading on hers: "Things Mom Says We Will Do But We Won't Actually". She was joking, but I knew it wasn't a joke. I think we are all like that, to some degree. And I would rather live life as a human than a robot, stuck in a procedural manual. However, I started 2017 knowing that we had to establish some systems in order to survive and that starting them as a family of 4 before we became 7 would be beneficial. And thus was born my (very loosely fitting the definition of) Bullet Journal Notebook and Sunday Night Family Meetings. And I'm here to tell you that every single week of my notebook is filled and we had a family meeting EVERY SINGLE WEEK (although two times we held them on Monday instead of Sunday and once even on TUESDAY). 

If you're looking for some structure in your family, I highly recommend whatever variation of this works for you. In my notebook, I have a page for each week and headings of itinerary (self explanatory), meal plan (also self explanatory, although I will say that Kraig and I rotate weeks of cooking (and the kids rotate weeks of taking one meal a week with hopes of expanding that) and it has saved our relationship this year), to do (this is my own to do list), notes (love this-- I just put special details of things we want to remember from each week), prayer (some are longstanding, others change weekly) and praise (it's been so faithbuilding to see prayers answered before our very eyes). On the page opposite, I update our family chore rotation (this has evolved some-- we had two kids on dishes each week but inevitably only one kid did all the work so we went to just one), van seat rotation (this is another sanity-saver), and devotional lead rotation (every week someone different leads our family meeting devotional). 

Our family meetings take the following format: We start with the person in charge of the devotional doing that with us. Then I take prayer requests, go over praise reports, and the devotional leader leads us in prayer. After that, I go over the weekly itinerary and meal plan (each kid has his or her own planner that they update if they want to-- some want to know every detail and others just go with the flow), chore rotation, seat assignments, and devotional lead for the next week. We finish by having time for people to mention things they want to discuss. Sometimes Kraig and I have specific things we want to say to everyone or remind them of (see Cuss Word Chalkboard Spectacle circa September 2017), sometimes we don't. I have also used the meetings for things like motivational talks and the love languages discussion a few weeks ago. 

Again, it may not work for everyone and it probably won't look the same for everyone, but it has been great for us and it's honestly one of my proudest accomplishments of 2017. That and the fact that my better sleep patterns and water intake of fall 2016 have carried through 2017. And oh yeah, other valuable things too. 😂