I have two minutes left before the commitment I made to myself for November dies on the very first day of November. And that happening would completely sum up my 2019. But doggone, I'm not giving up on the first day of November. I may lose momentum on the third day or get weary on the fifth or quit on the eighth, but I'm pressing forward on this first day.
See, 2019 was supposed to be my year of writing. Not only have I not written with any sort of commitment level, but other than instagram captions and facebook posts, I haven't written AT ALL. I haven't been able to make myself. There are several (actually more than several) other areas of similar failures in this calendar year, but this blog isn't about those.
This blog is about the time I made myself do it. The time I pushed myself even when I didn't want to and literally had nothing to say. Because part of my promise to myself in November is that writing isn't all inspired. Sometimes it's just the self-discipline of it that matters, not the words you say. So today, for this first day, I'm just showing up. Nothing pretty, nothing inspirational, nothing vulnerable, nothing but some words on a post. Just visual proof of life... just a beginning. And today, that's what matters to me.
Just Look...
Friday, November 1, 2019
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Manatees, Airboats, Gators, Sponges, and Beaches!
We just got back from a little Spring Break jaunt and for this trip, we executed attempt #2 at a Florida Nature Coast excursion. Below are the details of our trip and recommendations if you want to take your own!
I'm a huge fan of airbnb and I rely HEAVILY on reviews. The property that fit our budget best and seemed to be in the best area was one that, at the time of booking, had NO reviews because it was brand new. However, we decided to take a risk and book it anyway and MAN ARE WE GLAD WE DID! I cannot more highly recommend a place than I can this one. Blaine's place in Homosassa {link here} was absolutely phenomenal. It had room for up to 9 (and we had 8, so perfect), was sparkling clean, was newly renovated, had tvs upstairs and downstairs, lots of games and activities, a beautiful deck, the most comfortable beds, and an awesome deck with kayaks and fishing poles for your use! It had a huge yard and was located on a river, plus was incredibly convenient to everything in town. You will NOT be disappointed with this booking!
We left early Monday morning and drove down to Florida, arriving at our house around 5 PM. We unloaded and settled in, enjoyed the dock for a while, then headed out to walmart to get some needed snack foods. We called pizzas in to Pizza Hutt while at walmart and picked them up on the way home, then enjoyed our dinner in the nice dining and kitchen area of our airbnb.
Tuesday morning, we had our manatee swim booked and needed to be there at 7:00. It was about 15-20 min away in Crystal River. I did a lot of research on the various companies and settled on River Ventures and I am glad that we did. Apparently, even though we went during what is considered "manatee season", the warmer temps the last few years have made March less of "manatee season" than what it once was. Therefore, instead of getting to swim in the springs with them, we had to go out into King's Bay and look for them there. We did find four to swim with, but the water was very murky and so now I want to go back and do it in clear water with lots of them. :) Even still, our guides were fabulous, looking for them and keeping them entertained for us to swim with them. This company is incredible! (I also had just googled promo codes and found one to get a percentage off when I booked.)
After we did our swim, we ran back to our house to change, then grabbed lunch at The Shed. It was basically a food truck with a tiki roof over a bunch of picnic tables on the river, but it was really very good and fast. I felt like it was a little pricey, but not too bad.
Our next stop was to River Ventures's sister location, River Safaris in Homosassa, where we had an airboat tour booked for the afternoon. This was awesome because I had gotten a Groupon for these tours and we had thought we were going to have to take turns in groups of 4 going on this trip. However, when I called to book, they told me they could get another captain and his boat in and we could all go at the same time, which was perfect! The ride was the favorite activity of some of the kids (even better than the manatees, which makes me sad). We did go by Monkey Island, which was really cool too.
That first day was Francisco's bday, so we wanted to go somewhere cool for dinner that night. We settled on Crumps Landing. This ended up being a poor choice. :) It was on the river and had lots of activities, a beautiful view, and riverfront dining. The other thing it had was a wait of 1 hour and 35 minutes for our food when there was literally NO ONE there. Then, when our food DID come, Francisco's wasn't there. {eye roll} They did give him a free dessert and SAID they were taking a percentage off his meal, but I didn't even check, we were so eager to get out of there.
The following morning, we got up and headed to Ellie Schiller State Park, which was just about 5 minutes from our house. I had heard lots of good things about it and it was really a delightful way to spend a couple of hours. We are fans of animals, so this was cool. We did not do the boat ride due to time, but I wish we had time to do it. They had given us a 20% off coupon at River Ventures for this, so that was much appreciated.
Our plan after Ellie Schiller was to head south looking for sand and sun. We had considered stopping at Tarpon Springs to see the sponge boats and then going on to Honeymoon Island. Instead, we headed to Tarpon Springs and randomly picked a lunch spot (Tarpon Turtle Grill and Marina). The food was SO GOOD and the environment (on the water again) was awesome.
From there, we headed across to Sunset Beach, not sure what we would find, and we LOVED it. It wasn't too crowded and it was such a beautiful and nice public beach. The water was cold, no waves, and the sand was nice. We spent several hours there and got our fill of beach till summer.
After our stay at Sunset Beach, we drove on to the downtown sponge dock area of Tarpon Springs and spent some time strolling around (by then it was around 5:30), shopping, and sightseeing. We found a place to park for $3, which was much better than the $8 lot we first found. Tarpon Springs is a nice little Greek town, small but lots to see and enjoy. We were given a menu on the street, so we decided to have a Greek dinner at Mama's and we were not disappointed. It was really good food, great service, and a nice open air dinner.
By that time, the sun was setting on our last day in Florida, so we ambled back to the car (saw a great Greek pastry shop but were too full to indulge) and headed back to our house in Homosassa.
We left early this morning to head back, loaded up with fabulous memories of an awesome trip! I highly recommend this one!
I'm a huge fan of airbnb and I rely HEAVILY on reviews. The property that fit our budget best and seemed to be in the best area was one that, at the time of booking, had NO reviews because it was brand new. However, we decided to take a risk and book it anyway and MAN ARE WE GLAD WE DID! I cannot more highly recommend a place than I can this one. Blaine's place in Homosassa {link here} was absolutely phenomenal. It had room for up to 9 (and we had 8, so perfect), was sparkling clean, was newly renovated, had tvs upstairs and downstairs, lots of games and activities, a beautiful deck, the most comfortable beds, and an awesome deck with kayaks and fishing poles for your use! It had a huge yard and was located on a river, plus was incredibly convenient to everything in town. You will NOT be disappointed with this booking!
We left early Monday morning and drove down to Florida, arriving at our house around 5 PM. We unloaded and settled in, enjoyed the dock for a while, then headed out to walmart to get some needed snack foods. We called pizzas in to Pizza Hutt while at walmart and picked them up on the way home, then enjoyed our dinner in the nice dining and kitchen area of our airbnb.
Tuesday morning, we had our manatee swim booked and needed to be there at 7:00. It was about 15-20 min away in Crystal River. I did a lot of research on the various companies and settled on River Ventures and I am glad that we did. Apparently, even though we went during what is considered "manatee season", the warmer temps the last few years have made March less of "manatee season" than what it once was. Therefore, instead of getting to swim in the springs with them, we had to go out into King's Bay and look for them there. We did find four to swim with, but the water was very murky and so now I want to go back and do it in clear water with lots of them. :) Even still, our guides were fabulous, looking for them and keeping them entertained for us to swim with them. This company is incredible! (I also had just googled promo codes and found one to get a percentage off when I booked.)
After we did our swim, we ran back to our house to change, then grabbed lunch at The Shed. It was basically a food truck with a tiki roof over a bunch of picnic tables on the river, but it was really very good and fast. I felt like it was a little pricey, but not too bad.
Our next stop was to River Ventures's sister location, River Safaris in Homosassa, where we had an airboat tour booked for the afternoon. This was awesome because I had gotten a Groupon for these tours and we had thought we were going to have to take turns in groups of 4 going on this trip. However, when I called to book, they told me they could get another captain and his boat in and we could all go at the same time, which was perfect! The ride was the favorite activity of some of the kids (even better than the manatees, which makes me sad). We did go by Monkey Island, which was really cool too.
That first day was Francisco's bday, so we wanted to go somewhere cool for dinner that night. We settled on Crumps Landing. This ended up being a poor choice. :) It was on the river and had lots of activities, a beautiful view, and riverfront dining. The other thing it had was a wait of 1 hour and 35 minutes for our food when there was literally NO ONE there. Then, when our food DID come, Francisco's wasn't there. {eye roll} They did give him a free dessert and SAID they were taking a percentage off his meal, but I didn't even check, we were so eager to get out of there.
The following morning, we got up and headed to Ellie Schiller State Park, which was just about 5 minutes from our house. I had heard lots of good things about it and it was really a delightful way to spend a couple of hours. We are fans of animals, so this was cool. We did not do the boat ride due to time, but I wish we had time to do it. They had given us a 20% off coupon at River Ventures for this, so that was much appreciated.
Our plan after Ellie Schiller was to head south looking for sand and sun. We had considered stopping at Tarpon Springs to see the sponge boats and then going on to Honeymoon Island. Instead, we headed to Tarpon Springs and randomly picked a lunch spot (Tarpon Turtle Grill and Marina). The food was SO GOOD and the environment (on the water again) was awesome.
From there, we headed across to Sunset Beach, not sure what we would find, and we LOVED it. It wasn't too crowded and it was such a beautiful and nice public beach. The water was cold, no waves, and the sand was nice. We spent several hours there and got our fill of beach till summer.
After our stay at Sunset Beach, we drove on to the downtown sponge dock area of Tarpon Springs and spent some time strolling around (by then it was around 5:30), shopping, and sightseeing. We found a place to park for $3, which was much better than the $8 lot we first found. Tarpon Springs is a nice little Greek town, small but lots to see and enjoy. We were given a menu on the street, so we decided to have a Greek dinner at Mama's and we were not disappointed. It was really good food, great service, and a nice open air dinner.
By that time, the sun was setting on our last day in Florida, so we ambled back to the car (saw a great Greek pastry shop but were too full to indulge) and headed back to our house in Homosassa.
We left early this morning to head back, loaded up with fabulous memories of an awesome trip! I highly recommend this one!
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Called
There are some things about Christian living that I'm not 100% sure about. There are some parts of the Bible I don't fully understand. There are some things I cannot explain the how or the why, but I know that I believe them and do them.
Cambodia is a place that, when the opportunity first arose for me to travel there on a mission trip, I have to be honest... I had to look it up on a map. I'm embarrassed to say that (I must have missed world geography somehow), but it's true. However, the way everything fell into place for me to travel there the first time in 2013 made it very clear that the Lord was calling the shots, not me. I returned home with a deep love for that country, a solidified love for PCL, a firm understanding of and belief in sustainable ministry, and a passion for the people I had met there. The following summer, we had the opportunity to return, and Kraig and Emma joined me on that trip. It was incredible for my daughter to have a chance to see the things I had seen the summer before and develop her own passion for Cambodia and its people. The next opportunity to return didn't come along until 2016, two years later, and that year Kraig, Kelsey, and I all three went. Same thing, a blessing for Kelsey to get to know and love that corner of the world. And my, did she. After that trip, we all (not just our family, but our mission group at church) knew that it was our last trip to Cambodia. The ministries there have taken off and are exploding with growth. The headquarters of PCL moved to another state. Our connection to Cambodia remained through supporting one of the missionaries there, Isaac, praying always for the people, the ministry, and the country, and maintaining social media contact with the many friends we made in our time there.
When our new kids came home and asked questions about the photos on our living room wall, the ornament from Siem Reap, the various things in our house that pay homage to that country of our heart, we said to each other that we wish they had had a chance to meet everyone, but we knew that season was past.
And then.
In discussions with the head of the ministry there in-country, our missions pastor was asked if there was a way we could bring a group back one more time to do some children's ministry training. Everything started to come together for a 2019 trip, 3 years after our last one and 6 years after my first. As desperately as we wanted our entire family of 7 to travel there, we knew that it was impractical and so we settled on Kraig, Emma, and Roman. Our logic was that Kraig doesn't have entirely open summers every year (whereas I do), so it made sense for him to go since the timing worked out, and Roman and Emma are the oldest and will have fewer chances than the younger two. (Francisco was out of the equation altogether due to his lack of citizenship-- more on that in a minute.) We knew it would be a devastating blow to Kelsey because she has begged to go back since we stepped on the plane to come home, but we felt like this was the best possible decision. At $1800 per person, it was going to be a challenge to raise funds for 3.
As the months went by, various things happened and hiccups came along. A few members of the team had to drop out of the trip. Separately, Kraig and I were both feeling like all six of us were being called to go. Finally, Kraig brought it up to me. I told him I had been feeling the same way, but our hesitations were the funding (now $1800 times SIX) and how Francisco would feel being left at home while ALL of us went. We both prayed some more about it and both came back with a certainty that this was what the Lord would have us do.
The first hurdle was breaking the news to Francisco. We decided to talk to him individually and also to tell Angela and Kelsey privately, so that he wouldn't have to watch their excitement. Wow, did we underestimate him. I talked to him one afternoon when we were alone in the car, and before I could finish saying, "So some people aren't able to go, and they need a few more people--" he said, "Mom. Y'all should go." I told him that is what we had decided to do, and I was so sorry he couldn't join us, and that as soon as he had a passport, I would take him wherever he wanted to go. He said, "I think the mission field the Lord has for me right now is in the United States." He THEN said, "Kelsey is going to be SO EXCITED!!!" I said I knew she was, we rode along a few more miles, and he got really quiet. I figured that it was sinking in, was feeling really bad for him, and then he said, "MOM. CAN I BE THE ONE WHO TELLS THEM THEY ARE GOING?????" Jaw drop. Who IS this kid? I would have been pouting, railing at the injustice of the immigration system, simmering in my heart that my parents liked everyone else better than me, building up resentment like it was my JOB. Not Francisco. Just ready to share the joy. Man.
The next hurdle is the funding. As it stands right now, we are 1/3 funded for all six people. Our Cottage Christmas Market was tremendous, we have had a few donations, our pizza sauce sales went well, Tricia Sherlin's awesome Trades of Hope fundraiser was fantastic, the Valentine's Parent Night Out was STUPENDOUS. We are currently selling salsa, Hometown Cleveland tees, date boxes, and running an Egg My Yard Easter fundraiser, and all are going well. We have a few more that we are almost ready to launch (and they are AWESOME), and then I have a few others up my sleeve. I have zero doubt that the Lord will provide because He ALWAYS HAS. He has proven over and over that if He calls you to it, He provides a way to do it. Raising $50,000+ in 9 months for an adoption is just one way He has recently shown that.
There are so many reasons that I want my family to go on this trip, the primary one being that I am certain the Lord wants six of us on this trip and that's enough for me. But the provision is a huge one. Emma and Kelsey have seen Him raise funds for trips in the past and they were both here to see what He did through our adoption, but Roman, Angela, and Francisco have not been present to watch God bring in dollar after dollar after dollar until it's finally the total needed. They haven't gotten to feel the exhausted satisfaction of working like crazy on fundraisers and seeing the bar on our faith chart lift higher and higher. It's life-giving and faith-increasing to ME, a 41 year old who has seen it over and over, to watch this happen. How much more so is it building a solid foundation of trust in Him for my kids to see it at 13, 14, 15, 15, and 19???
Called. He has so many reasons for it, so many ways to show it, but that's all it boils down to. We are called. And when you are called, you go. Period.
But there are other things that I believe are clear as can be, things I have never stopped to consider "should I or shouldn't I" because the call is present in His word over and over and over. A few of those things, though certainly not an exhaustive list, can be collected together as follows:
1. Love. Love Jesus, love His people.
2. Serve. Serve Jesus, serve His people.
3. Give. Give to Jesus, give to His people.
It is those three callings that have guided my life. They are how I was raised, they led me to a profession, they formed the foundation of my marriage, they shaped my family life, they govern over our financial decisions and our family business, they grew our family from four to seven, and they are what I hope to spend the second half of my life working toward because I believe that my eternity will be spent seeing the big picture of why those calls exist.
One area that I know we have been called into is the area of missions. Missions takes on a lot of different forms... it can be (and is) serving the community of your town, it can be (and is) helping students in my classroom when there is a need, it can be (and is) working Royal Family Kids' Ministries with our church, it can be (and is) traveling to Cambodia (or wherever else the Lord calls) to work with an incredible ministry that already exists as God' hands and feet there, it can be (and is) volunteering with various organizations in America and around the world that are doing incredible work, it can be (and is) supporting other adoptive families financially.
Sometimes people get really prickly about mission work (much like they do about international versus domestic infant versus domestic foster-adopt adoptions). They say things like, "Why go over there and do that when people right here need you?"
Here's the thing: I agree. If you're gallivanting about the world and would never lift a hand for anyone in your own community or country... I'm not certain you're living a true life of mission.
But here's the other thing: I don't know anyone that description fits. The people I know who are raising funds to travel overseas are also the ones working with the homeless community here. The ones I know who are going to Mexico on a mission trip are the same ones who are serving at Royal Family Kids' Camp in Mentone, Alabama.
Cambodia is a place that, when the opportunity first arose for me to travel there on a mission trip, I have to be honest... I had to look it up on a map. I'm embarrassed to say that (I must have missed world geography somehow), but it's true. However, the way everything fell into place for me to travel there the first time in 2013 made it very clear that the Lord was calling the shots, not me. I returned home with a deep love for that country, a solidified love for PCL, a firm understanding of and belief in sustainable ministry, and a passion for the people I had met there. The following summer, we had the opportunity to return, and Kraig and Emma joined me on that trip. It was incredible for my daughter to have a chance to see the things I had seen the summer before and develop her own passion for Cambodia and its people. The next opportunity to return didn't come along until 2016, two years later, and that year Kraig, Kelsey, and I all three went. Same thing, a blessing for Kelsey to get to know and love that corner of the world. And my, did she. After that trip, we all (not just our family, but our mission group at church) knew that it was our last trip to Cambodia. The ministries there have taken off and are exploding with growth. The headquarters of PCL moved to another state. Our connection to Cambodia remained through supporting one of the missionaries there, Isaac, praying always for the people, the ministry, and the country, and maintaining social media contact with the many friends we made in our time there.
When our new kids came home and asked questions about the photos on our living room wall, the ornament from Siem Reap, the various things in our house that pay homage to that country of our heart, we said to each other that we wish they had had a chance to meet everyone, but we knew that season was past.
And then.
In discussions with the head of the ministry there in-country, our missions pastor was asked if there was a way we could bring a group back one more time to do some children's ministry training. Everything started to come together for a 2019 trip, 3 years after our last one and 6 years after my first. As desperately as we wanted our entire family of 7 to travel there, we knew that it was impractical and so we settled on Kraig, Emma, and Roman. Our logic was that Kraig doesn't have entirely open summers every year (whereas I do), so it made sense for him to go since the timing worked out, and Roman and Emma are the oldest and will have fewer chances than the younger two. (Francisco was out of the equation altogether due to his lack of citizenship-- more on that in a minute.) We knew it would be a devastating blow to Kelsey because she has begged to go back since we stepped on the plane to come home, but we felt like this was the best possible decision. At $1800 per person, it was going to be a challenge to raise funds for 3.
As the months went by, various things happened and hiccups came along. A few members of the team had to drop out of the trip. Separately, Kraig and I were both feeling like all six of us were being called to go. Finally, Kraig brought it up to me. I told him I had been feeling the same way, but our hesitations were the funding (now $1800 times SIX) and how Francisco would feel being left at home while ALL of us went. We both prayed some more about it and both came back with a certainty that this was what the Lord would have us do.
The first hurdle was breaking the news to Francisco. We decided to talk to him individually and also to tell Angela and Kelsey privately, so that he wouldn't have to watch their excitement. Wow, did we underestimate him. I talked to him one afternoon when we were alone in the car, and before I could finish saying, "So some people aren't able to go, and they need a few more people--" he said, "Mom. Y'all should go." I told him that is what we had decided to do, and I was so sorry he couldn't join us, and that as soon as he had a passport, I would take him wherever he wanted to go. He said, "I think the mission field the Lord has for me right now is in the United States." He THEN said, "Kelsey is going to be SO EXCITED!!!" I said I knew she was, we rode along a few more miles, and he got really quiet. I figured that it was sinking in, was feeling really bad for him, and then he said, "MOM. CAN I BE THE ONE WHO TELLS THEM THEY ARE GOING?????" Jaw drop. Who IS this kid? I would have been pouting, railing at the injustice of the immigration system, simmering in my heart that my parents liked everyone else better than me, building up resentment like it was my JOB. Not Francisco. Just ready to share the joy. Man.
The next hurdle is the funding. As it stands right now, we are 1/3 funded for all six people. Our Cottage Christmas Market was tremendous, we have had a few donations, our pizza sauce sales went well, Tricia Sherlin's awesome Trades of Hope fundraiser was fantastic, the Valentine's Parent Night Out was STUPENDOUS. We are currently selling salsa, Hometown Cleveland tees, date boxes, and running an Egg My Yard Easter fundraiser, and all are going well. We have a few more that we are almost ready to launch (and they are AWESOME), and then I have a few others up my sleeve. I have zero doubt that the Lord will provide because He ALWAYS HAS. He has proven over and over that if He calls you to it, He provides a way to do it. Raising $50,000+ in 9 months for an adoption is just one way He has recently shown that.
There are so many reasons that I want my family to go on this trip, the primary one being that I am certain the Lord wants six of us on this trip and that's enough for me. But the provision is a huge one. Emma and Kelsey have seen Him raise funds for trips in the past and they were both here to see what He did through our adoption, but Roman, Angela, and Francisco have not been present to watch God bring in dollar after dollar after dollar until it's finally the total needed. They haven't gotten to feel the exhausted satisfaction of working like crazy on fundraisers and seeing the bar on our faith chart lift higher and higher. It's life-giving and faith-increasing to ME, a 41 year old who has seen it over and over, to watch this happen. How much more so is it building a solid foundation of trust in Him for my kids to see it at 13, 14, 15, 15, and 19???
Called. He has so many reasons for it, so many ways to show it, but that's all it boils down to. We are called. And when you are called, you go. Period.
Friday, January 11, 2019
The Wind and Waves
One of my kids is becoming pretty obsessed with travel, with
seeing the world, and specifically with Japan. (I think the Japan thing is due
to some RIDICULOUS show that she watches regularly, and it’s not Marie Kondo’s “Tidying
Up”, I can tell you that.) Anyway, she has mentioned many times in the past few
days that she wants a job where she can travel and see the world, and
specifically that she might want to live in Japan. She does have some sensitivity
to the fact that this might completely break my heart, even though I haven’t
mentioned it, because she has said several times, “Mom, I know you’ll miss me
and I’ll miss not being here for all the family stuff.” Mind you, this is the
same kid who didn’t seem like she would ever attach to me, then told me a few
months after arriving that she wanted to build a house in the field so that she
could always live close to me and her dad. I am choosing to view this new
development not as her not feeling as attached to us, but rather as the
healthiest and most developed form of attachment, the kind that feels secure no
matter the situation and can follow its dreams.
All of this talk about moving and seeing the world makes my
heart clinch up when I realize that, in today’s society, having your adult
children and their families just a few streets over or across town is truly
unusual. Our family has been blessed that we all live very close to each other,
attend the same church, etc, but that’s NOT the norm (and thank goodness for
me, Kraig had already made the choice to live away from his family; otherwise,
I would never have met him!). I know that as time goes on and your kids grow
up, you come to terms with their choices for their adult lives and you happily
spend whatever time with them you can get, but it’s a painful thing to think
about today. It hurts a little more to think of these three with whom we haven’t
even had much time with anyway. I feel like I’m making up for all the years
apart as it is, thinking of a future apart makes me sick inside.
Last night I was feeling pretty ick (in addition to the fact
that I don’t have a physical voice) about this and I was reminded of a night on
our fall break cruise that I have mentioned here before.
Kraig had told me something one of our kids said that made
us realize that the kid is still VERY attached to someone in the first country
and I just felt waves after wave of fear that this child might choose to leave
us and go back to the first home once the age makes it possible. With that
fresh in my mind, I was praying in regard to all of my kids and the fears I
have that we aren’t enough, that we haven’t done enough, that we got the new
kids too late to attach the way we need to and that we may have somehow taken
away from E and K in the process. I know, it’s a ridiculous spiral and it’s my
natural personality but I think adoption makes all of these feelings so much
more acute and the spiral so much more intense.
Anyway, I was actually in the tiny shower in our tiny room
on a cruise ship being rocked by a hurricane when I was feeling this hurricane
in my own emotions and God so clearly said to me, “You CAN’T lose any of the
five of them because they aren’t YOURS to begin with. They are mine. You stood
in an altar and gave each of them back to me, two of them as babies and the
other three as teens. So you don’t have to worry about losing them because I
have them. And I’m way better at all of this than you could ever be.”
It’s not frequently that I can say I felt like I had a very
specific word from God, one that could be quoted, but this was one of those
moments. I often feel things impressed on me, or I feel a sort of message in my
spirit, but this was a very clear and specific word. And I couldn’t help but
feel both relieved and chastened, all at the same time.
I say it all the
time, but parenting is not for the faint of heart. It’s such a weird dance of
holding on and letting go. It’s a tug between them driving me crazy and
thinking of the days when they are grown with great glee because it means we
all survived versus the days I look around the dinner table or in the rearview
mirror or around the couches in the tv room and think that I won’t survive the
void when all five of them are gone from under my roof. But on both types of
days, I would do well to remember the message that God gave me as our ship
rocked and rolled in the hurricane waves off to the side of Cuba. No matter the
sea… stormy or still, wind-tossed or peaceful, He has them in the palm of His
hand. They are His, not mine. And He’s the only one who is obeyed by the winds
and waves.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
What Now? A Victory for Empathy
"I don't have any posterboard at home and my mom couldn't take me to get any. There is a business in our neighborhood and they put a pile of trash tiles out back every week or so, so I always get some for class projects." This was the answer given to me by an industrious and creative student when I asked her why she did her project on a ceramic tile. I honestly wasn't expecting that at all, I was expecting her to say that she felt like it was the best medium for this particular project. She didn't say it with any shame or expecting any pity, she said it as if it were the most normal thing in the world to tote a heavy and fragile ceramic tile into class when a creative project is due. Because that's just what she did-- she made it work. However, from that point forward I kept a stock of posterboard in my room for her to use for projects until her upcoming graduation.
"Do you care if I take some of those feminine products leftover from the bathroom? I don't have much at home and that makes it hard every month." This was the question asked of me after prom by a sweet and beautiful girl. She said it quietly, with a little bit of embarrassment, but also with a confidence that she deserves cleanliness just as much as the next person.
The student who creates a battle over every assignment and never has a pencil... the one who smells bad and the kids around wrinkle up their nose and ask me to light a candle... the one whose family receives assistance but whose parents never seem to think of the kids when they make purchases...
I can't tell you how many situations in public education where it is apparent to me that kids are the losers in every circumstance. And yet, for most of them, they make do. They scrounge. They are industrious. Even when they shouldn't have to be.
So when my Holocaust Literature class started making decisions about this year's memorial projects, I knew of one that I really wanted to see get off the ground-- a CHS Pantry. We will come up with a creative name for it at some point, but it's basically a place kids who need them can go (confidentially) to get school supply and hygiene items. I explained this need to a mixed group of students... some of whom were shocked at the idea that a need like this can be real ("So all girls don't have access to pads and tampons???") and some of whom knew exactly what the need is because they live it themselves.
One of the specific projects that set out to raise money for the pantry was the benefit concert group. This year I was more hands-off the memorial projects than I ever have been in the past. I've slowly been weaning myself from the need to take control (haha!), but this year I really stepped back (mostly out of survival-- I have found that parenting five teens in my house takes a lot out of me that I had previously used for the 119 teens in room 222). I gave them some class time to work, I had them submit an initial plan and some followup checkpoints, but for the most part it has been ALL THEM. And I have to say, this year has probably been our overall most successful year for memorial projects, so maybe I just needed to back up already! ;)
This group worked very quietly. Their project was scheduled for tonight, so the grade was already submitted before their event even happened. Every time I talked to any of them, everything seemed to be handled, so I left it with them. I guess they inspired major confidence in me because, for the first time EVER for a Holocaust Lit Memorial Event, I did not feel one ounce of anxiety or stress over it. When we pulled into that parking lot tonight and I saw how many cars were there, then we walked in and saw almost every seat full... I was thrilled. Then the concert began and my thrill turned to the deepest pride and appreciation.
The student who emceed the night was incredible. She had the perfect mix of personality and professionalism and came across as so much older than a high school student. Several of the performances were students from the Holocaust Lit class itself, plus several other CHS seniors, a Bradley student, and a group of 3 alums and another guy who are all students at Lee. What an incredible night of talent!!! The one thing I wish I could do is sing and MAN, tonight made that wish so much deeper! I got teary a time or two, thinking about the fact that 7:50 AM on Tuesday morning will not find that Holocaust Literature group sitting in room 222.
When all was said and done, we left with over $300 and several bags full of supplies for the pantry. As I told those four kids in a text, they participated in a process that is so necessary in this world but also so rare: They LOOKED around them (something the vast majority of us don't do, thanks largely to our self-interests and technology), they RECOGNIZED a need, and then they ACTED on it. And because of those actions, the commentary from the top of this blog post will start to be eliminated.
These four kids are WORLD CHANGERS, plain and simple. They are leaving CHS better than they found it. They are reaching outside their own circles, they are winning the battle against apathy, they are claiming a victory for empathy, and they gave me so much hope and joy this past semester and tonight. When I teach Holocaust Lit, I DO want my students to learn about the Holocaust. But as I tell them, if we leave it in 1945, we have done an injustice to the survivors and the victims. What can we learn about the Holocaust that can make our own world a better place? My final lesson in that class is called "What Now?" and it's one where I tell them about various agencies and non-profits and missions and causes that exist in the hopes that they will find their way down a path of social justice and action. Tonight, my purpose in teaching that class was fulfilled. They "got it". And I am so stinking proud of them.
{I am also thankful to the parents who had a helping hand in this, First United Methodist Church who allowed them to use their facility, and to the performers themselves who performed for free in order to raise the optimum amount of money for the cause.}
"Do you care if I take some of those feminine products leftover from the bathroom? I don't have much at home and that makes it hard every month." This was the question asked of me after prom by a sweet and beautiful girl. She said it quietly, with a little bit of embarrassment, but also with a confidence that she deserves cleanliness just as much as the next person.
The student who creates a battle over every assignment and never has a pencil... the one who smells bad and the kids around wrinkle up their nose and ask me to light a candle... the one whose family receives assistance but whose parents never seem to think of the kids when they make purchases...
I can't tell you how many situations in public education where it is apparent to me that kids are the losers in every circumstance. And yet, for most of them, they make do. They scrounge. They are industrious. Even when they shouldn't have to be.
So when my Holocaust Literature class started making decisions about this year's memorial projects, I knew of one that I really wanted to see get off the ground-- a CHS Pantry. We will come up with a creative name for it at some point, but it's basically a place kids who need them can go (confidentially) to get school supply and hygiene items. I explained this need to a mixed group of students... some of whom were shocked at the idea that a need like this can be real ("So all girls don't have access to pads and tampons???") and some of whom knew exactly what the need is because they live it themselves.
One of the specific projects that set out to raise money for the pantry was the benefit concert group. This year I was more hands-off the memorial projects than I ever have been in the past. I've slowly been weaning myself from the need to take control (haha!), but this year I really stepped back (mostly out of survival-- I have found that parenting five teens in my house takes a lot out of me that I had previously used for the 119 teens in room 222). I gave them some class time to work, I had them submit an initial plan and some followup checkpoints, but for the most part it has been ALL THEM. And I have to say, this year has probably been our overall most successful year for memorial projects, so maybe I just needed to back up already! ;)
This group worked very quietly. Their project was scheduled for tonight, so the grade was already submitted before their event even happened. Every time I talked to any of them, everything seemed to be handled, so I left it with them. I guess they inspired major confidence in me because, for the first time EVER for a Holocaust Lit Memorial Event, I did not feel one ounce of anxiety or stress over it. When we pulled into that parking lot tonight and I saw how many cars were there, then we walked in and saw almost every seat full... I was thrilled. Then the concert began and my thrill turned to the deepest pride and appreciation.
The student who emceed the night was incredible. She had the perfect mix of personality and professionalism and came across as so much older than a high school student. Several of the performances were students from the Holocaust Lit class itself, plus several other CHS seniors, a Bradley student, and a group of 3 alums and another guy who are all students at Lee. What an incredible night of talent!!! The one thing I wish I could do is sing and MAN, tonight made that wish so much deeper! I got teary a time or two, thinking about the fact that 7:50 AM on Tuesday morning will not find that Holocaust Literature group sitting in room 222.
When all was said and done, we left with over $300 and several bags full of supplies for the pantry. As I told those four kids in a text, they participated in a process that is so necessary in this world but also so rare: They LOOKED around them (something the vast majority of us don't do, thanks largely to our self-interests and technology), they RECOGNIZED a need, and then they ACTED on it. And because of those actions, the commentary from the top of this blog post will start to be eliminated.
These four kids are WORLD CHANGERS, plain and simple. They are leaving CHS better than they found it. They are reaching outside their own circles, they are winning the battle against apathy, they are claiming a victory for empathy, and they gave me so much hope and joy this past semester and tonight. When I teach Holocaust Lit, I DO want my students to learn about the Holocaust. But as I tell them, if we leave it in 1945, we have done an injustice to the survivors and the victims. What can we learn about the Holocaust that can make our own world a better place? My final lesson in that class is called "What Now?" and it's one where I tell them about various agencies and non-profits and missions and causes that exist in the hopes that they will find their way down a path of social justice and action. Tonight, my purpose in teaching that class was fulfilled. They "got it". And I am so stinking proud of them.
Monday, December 31, 2018
One Year, or the Year of One
I have written a New Year's Eve reflection post for as long as I can remember and this is the first year that I have put it off until the last possible moment because the words just really aren't here.
2018 has been ... something. It's been beautiful, it's been hard, it's been scary, it's been rewarding, it's been a year of questions and hope and fulfillment and grace and mercy and uncertainty and insecurity. And based on my fb feed, it's been a similar sort of year of contradictions for everyone I know.
In some really important ways that I don't want to detail here, it's been a year of reconciliation and healing, reconciliation and healing that I'm not sure the second parties were even aware of, but I certainly was and I needed it. God has been so present and offered a balm to my heart that had been broken by some people really close to me. He also used Brene Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, to show me that I was probably as responsible for some of those hurts as the other parties were. So this year has also brought some accountability to my own spirit and some much-needed correction by my Father.
My word this year was "one". I wrote this post last January as the Lord crystallized what He was calling me to over 2018 and it certainly was a year of "one".
I'm ashamed to say it publicly, but I spent more time in His Word and with Him (THE One) than I ever have in my adult life and it still wasn't as much as it should have been. However, new mercies and all, and I get to take 2019 to try and build on what we started together in 2018. And I will.
I was probably most successful with "one" in regard to my immediate family. The first six months together, which happened to be the end of 2017, were very much just blindly finding our way. In 2018, I have been able to really focus individually on each one of my six. I was able to be more intentional with them, we did the Love Languages test and figured out how to best love one another in the way each person wanted to be loved rather than the way that we most want to love.
Time with my extended family looked different this year, as my dad faced a pretty significant and extended health crisis. It was hard to walk through that with him and my mom, struggling to stay confident and full of faith for them when my own heart was so scared of losing him. It was really the first time in my adult life that I have faced the mortality of my parents or Kraig's and it's not something I am ready for, I realized. However, God was faithful and He has allowed all of us more time.
I had planned to spend the year collecting my previous writing and, I'm also ashamed to admit, it's one of the only things I have ever stuck to with such commitment. The second portion of that intention, though, was to write regularly and I failed pretty miserably at that. Again, new mercies. 2019. ;)
I had planned to see things as "day one" and not "one day", to focus on the right now. What I did not expect at all (do we ever?) was my own health scare, an event that forced me to live for over a month as if I only had this ONE day, because I didn't know what tomorrow held. A cancer scare prompted by a finding on my first ever mammogram that led to a second mammogram, an ultrasound, and then a biopsy meant that for one month, I lived with a huge and silent fear (I only told about three people about it). However, the most beautiful word in the English language, benign, was the final report (followed by "6 month follow-up", but I'm living in the moment, not a scary future).
I don't know that I would say I learned more about myself this year, but I think I finally accepted many things about myself this year. I decided that I was going to focus on some self-care this year. Not self-care like getting massages or going on great trips (2019? hello?), but knowing what I need in order to be at my best for everyone else and then making that happen. I made time alone a priority. I made sleep and increased water intake and decreased sugar intake priorities. I rediscovered my insatiable thirst for reading from my youth and read like a fiend this year. I leaned on certain friends and I allowed myself to pull away from others.
My professional life in 2018 is not one I will remember with great joy, but I believe that God is at work there as well. My fall 2018 Holocaust Literature class truly saved me this semester. I believe with all my heart that God placed each student in that class because He knew exactly what I would need from them and it was provided.
Mostly, I will see 2018 as a year of growth, and with growth often comes struggle and discomfort. My family grew up and we grew together. My marriage grew stronger. My faith grew intensity. My outside relationships grew discernment. My heart grew fortitude. It wasn't necessarily easy to grow all of those things this year, but it was necessary. I am thankful to leave this 2018 and to take with me all that it gave me, as well as to leave it unencumbered by some of the things it took away. God is good and we are blessed.
2018 has been ... something. It's been beautiful, it's been hard, it's been scary, it's been rewarding, it's been a year of questions and hope and fulfillment and grace and mercy and uncertainty and insecurity. And based on my fb feed, it's been a similar sort of year of contradictions for everyone I know.
In some really important ways that I don't want to detail here, it's been a year of reconciliation and healing, reconciliation and healing that I'm not sure the second parties were even aware of, but I certainly was and I needed it. God has been so present and offered a balm to my heart that had been broken by some people really close to me. He also used Brene Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, to show me that I was probably as responsible for some of those hurts as the other parties were. So this year has also brought some accountability to my own spirit and some much-needed correction by my Father.
My word this year was "one". I wrote this post last January as the Lord crystallized what He was calling me to over 2018 and it certainly was a year of "one".
I'm ashamed to say it publicly, but I spent more time in His Word and with Him (THE One) than I ever have in my adult life and it still wasn't as much as it should have been. However, new mercies and all, and I get to take 2019 to try and build on what we started together in 2018. And I will.
I was probably most successful with "one" in regard to my immediate family. The first six months together, which happened to be the end of 2017, were very much just blindly finding our way. In 2018, I have been able to really focus individually on each one of my six. I was able to be more intentional with them, we did the Love Languages test and figured out how to best love one another in the way each person wanted to be loved rather than the way that we most want to love.
Time with my extended family looked different this year, as my dad faced a pretty significant and extended health crisis. It was hard to walk through that with him and my mom, struggling to stay confident and full of faith for them when my own heart was so scared of losing him. It was really the first time in my adult life that I have faced the mortality of my parents or Kraig's and it's not something I am ready for, I realized. However, God was faithful and He has allowed all of us more time.
I had planned to spend the year collecting my previous writing and, I'm also ashamed to admit, it's one of the only things I have ever stuck to with such commitment. The second portion of that intention, though, was to write regularly and I failed pretty miserably at that. Again, new mercies. 2019. ;)
I had planned to see things as "day one" and not "one day", to focus on the right now. What I did not expect at all (do we ever?) was my own health scare, an event that forced me to live for over a month as if I only had this ONE day, because I didn't know what tomorrow held. A cancer scare prompted by a finding on my first ever mammogram that led to a second mammogram, an ultrasound, and then a biopsy meant that for one month, I lived with a huge and silent fear (I only told about three people about it). However, the most beautiful word in the English language, benign, was the final report (followed by "6 month follow-up", but I'm living in the moment, not a scary future).
I don't know that I would say I learned more about myself this year, but I think I finally accepted many things about myself this year. I decided that I was going to focus on some self-care this year. Not self-care like getting massages or going on great trips (2019? hello?), but knowing what I need in order to be at my best for everyone else and then making that happen. I made time alone a priority. I made sleep and increased water intake and decreased sugar intake priorities. I rediscovered my insatiable thirst for reading from my youth and read like a fiend this year. I leaned on certain friends and I allowed myself to pull away from others.
My professional life in 2018 is not one I will remember with great joy, but I believe that God is at work there as well. My fall 2018 Holocaust Literature class truly saved me this semester. I believe with all my heart that God placed each student in that class because He knew exactly what I would need from them and it was provided.
Mostly, I will see 2018 as a year of growth, and with growth often comes struggle and discomfort. My family grew up and we grew together. My marriage grew stronger. My faith grew intensity. My outside relationships grew discernment. My heart grew fortitude. It wasn't necessarily easy to grow all of those things this year, but it was necessary. I am thankful to leave this 2018 and to take with me all that it gave me, as well as to leave it unencumbered by some of the things it took away. God is good and we are blessed.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Angela, our Beautiful Thing
In the mad rush of the middle school cross country state meet taking place on the Saturday before we left at 4:00 the following morning for our cruise, then getting back the evening before school started, then enduring the most hectic and insane week possible at work last week, I haven’t really had time to reflect on the season. The state meet signified, not only the ending of the cross country season, but the official end of middle school cross country in this house. Although I look forward to many more years of high school cross country, it makes me so sad to close the door on this chapter because it brought such beauty to our lives. Emma decided kind of on a whim to give it a go in 7thgrade and I was so proud of her for being so brave and strong to try a sport that was unfamiliar to all of us and one that she didn’t necessarily have other friends doing. Kelsey didn’t even think twice as a sixth grader, knowing from the start that she wanted to join the team and gave it three years of her life, three joyful years of hard work. The girls got to run together in 6thand 8thgrade, which was a lot of fun. Then cross country provided a people and a focus for Roman in his first year in America and public school, and he and Kelsey ran together last year, as 7thand 8thgraders. Finally, this year, cross country gifted Angela with friends and a physical confidence that she had not had before. It was a blast to see my two youngest as teammates, running together for their 8thgrade seasons.
Tonight was the middle school cross country banquet. The first award presented was the Coach’s Award, and almost as soon as Coach Thomas started talking, I knew who the recipient was going to be. One of the things she said is that she can see this particular person one day becoming a coach herself, which is exactly what Angela wants to do. As I listened to that beautiful tribute to and description of my girl, I couldn’t help but look back on the journey we have taken and I could so clearly see God’s fingerprints all over it.
Last year, I begged Angela to run. She absolutely and stoutly refused. So every single afternoon, I went to CMS and picked her up at regular school time while Roman and Kelsey had cross country practice, Francisco had cross country, and Emma had volleyball. Every single meet and game, she dutifully accompanied me to cheer for the rest of the crowd. It made me sad to see her on the sidelines of everything, as Roman and Francisco made friends and connections. I was so worried that she didn’t seem to have any desire to find her niche.
Then in November, we went to Vanderbilt to the International Adoption Clinic for what I thought was a certain type of testing but ended up just being a sort of counseling eval for all three kids. They each talked independently with the psychologist, then the psychologist, me and each kid talked. Although I was highly irritated that we had taken the time and miles to drive that distance and hadn’t gotten what I had asked for, a few valuable tidbits came out of it and one was from Angela. The psychologist, who had talked alone with Angela MAYBE 15 minutes, told me, “She said that it was really good and important to her that she got to be by herself with you in the afternoons while her brothers and sisters had sports practices. She really enjoyed those days and it seems like it went a long way in building a bond between the two of you.” I almost teared up right then and there. I’m tearing up now, thinking about it. What I had seen as a failure to connect had actually resulted in Angela feeling closer to me and more secure in our relationship. God knew that she needed one-on-one time and would never ask for it, and so He arranged divinely appointed afternoons for the two of us. We didn’t do anything huge on those days, either! We went to Target, Dollar Tree, Walmart, got ice cream, sat in parking lots and waited. And talked. And, apparently almost accidentally and certainly without my realizing it, bonded. Look at God.
And that bond has grown and grown over the course of the year since those afternoons. This year when it was almost time for school to start, Angela told me, “I’m running cross country this year.” Of course I was elated, and this season has been incredible for her. She has found a friend group and increased self-confidence. She has found motivation and a strong determination. Watching her run, I see the strength and resilience in her that brought her this far in her life. And as many times in the past, I see the self-awareness that she has that goes so far beyond her years. Halfway through the season, as her times were better and better and she was consistently running in the fourth position, I said, “See how well you’re doing? You could have done this last year too.”
Angela’s immediate response was, “But Mom, I wasn’t READY last year.” ……… UM. Ok. I guess I still have a lot to learn from you, my girl. How much wisdom is there in that, to do things in YOUR time rather than when others want you to, when it feels like makes the most sense, when it would be the most fun… to wait until you’re ready. How much frustration could we all avoid if we would wait to do things till we are ready? And I know that God had other important work for the two of us last year, the work of building a relationship. If she had let me push her, in all of my ignorance, not only would she not have been ready to run, but we would have missed the opportunities we had last year to connect.
But this year, she was ready… so ready. And she exceled. And every word Coach Thomas said tonight about her was the truth. When I look at Angela, all I see is Gungor’s song, “Beautiful Things”.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change, at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground, at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found, in you
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new,
You are making me new
You make me new,
You are making me new
When I think about that little 9 year old girl and all that she lost…. when I think about the pain… when I think about the chaos it must have felt like in the next couple of months… when I think about the walls she built, the ground of her heart that hardened, the dust of hopes and dreams she lost along the way…. And then I see this beautiful thing that He is creating, the hope, the smiles, the laughter, the silliness, the strength, the friendships, the joy…. I am so eternally grateful to have a Father who not only knit us together in our mothers’ wombs, but who will re-knit us together when the tragedies of this world tear us apart. He makes us new, and Angela is a living representation of how a loving Heavenly Father makes beautiful things out of us.
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