But for the Grace of God, Go I

Yesterday was a day that most Americans will never forget. In number, it doesn't come close to 9/11 or even the earlier Oklahoma City bombing... but in the loss of innocence and security, it feels much the same. I couldn't tear myself away from the coverage on my planning period yesterday, or even fourth period. All I could think about was the following quote:

"Once you bring life into the world, you must protect it. We must protect it by changing the world." ~Elie Wiesel

Fought tears all afternoon, then walked out of the school and wept for the sense of security that has been lost for so many, not to mention the devastation of those parents and teachers who are left behind. The only way to protect our children is to change the world they will inhabit. And the only way to change it is with the love of Christ and the power of good. I spent the afternoon praying and weeping for the people of Connecticut and holding onto my two just a little harder...

At some point in the afternoon, I got in the car to see this hanging on my basket. 

Emma made it for me and must have tied it on Friday morning. I cannot imagine how the daily reminders like this one will hurt those grieving parents so. 

Emma's bedtime prayer last night meant so much more than it would have on any other night: "Thank you for blessing us with another day."
Yes. Because "but for the grace of God, go I." I could be one of those teachers or I could be one of those parents... at any point. I couldn't shake that heaviness last night. I'm sure everyone felt it, but I assume parents and teachers (and I guess those of us who are both feel it even more) are feeling weighed down with empathetic grief... What darkness... Planning to hunker down in prayer these next few days and cover our town for protection and these families for comfort.

Earlier this week, a former student of mine, Paige Smith, posted a link to a music video of a song by Gavin DeGraw called "Soldier" and I LOVED it. I shared it with several other teachers. Obviously we had no idea what was to come. As the stories of heroism emerge (the principal, asst principal, and guidance counselor who went straight into danger, Noemi Guyton's cousin who shielded her kids from the gunman-- educators who all lost their lives, then the other teachers who survived but put their children's calm above their own), I just can't help but consider how BADLY the education world gets treated and talked about (and blamed) so much of the time, yet in moments of crisis, these are the people you are trusting your dearest treasures to... This happened to come up in Holocaust Lit this past month and I told them, "When I'm here, I'm yours. I wouldn't be able to put Emma and Kelsey's mom's safety above yours because when I'm here, I'm YOUR teacher first and their mom second." I have no doubt that every single teacher and administrator and SRO I know feels the exact same way. There are lots of people in our country who are soldiers every day and educators are no exception. Yesterday, they were on the front lines. And there were terrible casualties, but also tremendous love and sacrifice. Take care of your kids' teachers. Love on them because they are loving on your babies when you aren't there to do it.

I sent a few text messages and emails today... Some of appreciation to administrators and SRO's that should have been sent long before now (and should be sent frequently)... Some of love to family members and friends near and far... I have never felt such a physical desire to hug my far away nieces and nephews like I did last night when a blogger I follow posted that her nephew was in that school and she was waiting on text updates from her SIL. Her SIL had her two daughters but had heard nothing from her son. Around 6 PM last night, she posted, "He's gone. Please pray for our family." I just thought of how much it would hurt to be hours away from my brothers and sisters-in-law if something tragic happened... to only have the phone as my link to them... I've been more cognizant of my treatment of my own babies today... more loving toward them. But do you know the saddest part? These feelings of being intentional and cherishing the moments and not taking a second for granted... they will probably fade even before the crime tape is removed from the school. We, as human beings, cannot shake that inherent belief that "it can't happen to us". Something like this will happen and we will be reminded of our mortality and the mortality of those around us for a few days or, in very serious cases like this one, weeks, then it's over. Back to life as usual. I pray that isn't the case even as I know it will be.

We went ahead with our Cowboy/Cowgirl Gingerbread Christmas today, just as we went ahead with our Davis/Riddle Christmas last night, even though I'm not sure anyone really felt very merry last night. Today I watched them run around the field all afternoon, so full of energy and life and excitement. I can't imagine that today in one town, there is a loss of youthful innocence, and in 20 homes there is a vacuum of life and joy. 

I'm not even sure what one is supposed to write or say in situations like this. I've had lots of thoughts, some holy and some not so holy. In times like these, though, I always harken back to a  quote from a Jewish rabbi who was asked, "How can you believe there is a God if things like the Holocaust happen?" His answer was that the Holocaust is an example of what would be the norm in the world, rather than the exception, if there was no God. 

One thing I have noticed and, just to be frank, been pretty offended by, have been lots of posts I have read about how "this is what happens when you take God out of schools". In addition to the SICK implication in that statement that God exacted some sort of vengeance on American in the form of the murder of innocent six year olds, there is also the fallacy of the fact that whether prayer is allowed in schools or not, evil has been in the world since the very beginning and will be until the very end. Evil people do harmful things. Posting the Ten Commandments will not change that. But from a more personal perspective, God will be in schools as long as Christian educators and Christian students are. Those teachers who died to save students? God was the reason at least one of them, and probably more, made that choice. "Greater love hath no man..."

I know this was scattered. Truthfully, that's how my mind and heart feel. Scattered and broken. I never would have dreamed that this would have affected me as strongly as it has, but from reading social media and blogs, it appears that I am in the majority on this one. I needed to get my thoughts down or they were going to smother me. I pray tonight for comfort and peace where there is only chaos and emptiness, for redemption and understanding where there had been only hatred and ill will, and for empathy and intention where there had been apathy and busyness. In Him...