The crazy part is that I am a CHIEF planner and organizer and focus entirely too much on most things. (Admittedly, I have a minor procrastination problem, but really, who doesn't???) But for this trip, the biggest trip I have ever been on to the most distant country, I cannot seem to get myself in gear. I have put everything off till the last minute. I needed contacts and new glasses to take. It seemed sensible to me to wait until six days before departure to visit my eye doctor. Thankfully they took it more seriously than I did and put a rush on everything so that it would make it. I had to have an antibiotic. I waited until Wednesday to make that call. I didn't pay off my trip until yesterday. I got mildly chastised by my bank for waiting so late to ask for crisp small bills to take. It's just crazy because it's not me.
But I think I have figured it out. First of all, let me say that I have zero doubt that I am called to go on this trip. The Lord was calling me to go at the very moment this trip was even being initially planned. I just didn't know exactly WHERE He was calling me to go. The finances have been provided in miraculous ways with money coming to me from so many from whom I never would have requested it and this can only be divine providence. I delayed getting a passport until the eleventh hour and it came literally five weeks before I needed it! Even the last minute details listed above have all worked out beautifully. So I am certain that my God is sending me on this trip, that He has placed me here "for such a time as this".
However... I don't think I am quite sure yet that He can handle Tennessee and my people while I'm gone.
I know He created the world, raised people from the dead, died and was Himself resurrected... I know the ocean waves I watched in June come in and go out at His authority... I know He places leaders of countries in power and removes them from power... I know demons flee at the mention of His name... I get it.
But to send angels to encamp around my family over the next ten days?
to wrap His arms around them when I can't?
to hold them safely in the palm of His hand until their hands hold mine again?
I just don't know about all that.
I'm just being real here. Might as well call it what it is. I have struggled with anxiety most of my life and it can become debilitating and overwhelming. I have not worried one iota about myself going overseas. (I did worry a little about what I would eat when I saw some of those pictures of Cambodian food, but I felt much better once Jake described the American food we could order.) Concern for my safety? Not for a second. But I have had moments of raw terror in my heart when I let myself think for very long about being literally around the world from my family. All I can think is how long it would take me to make it back if something happened. That and the fact that I won't be aware at every second of what's going on or able to communicate any time I want.
And what does it boil down to, really? That so far, I have been trusting God with everything except the people who matter most to me. And packing is going to make this whole thing very, very real.
I have a precious friend who serves as my anxiety accountability partner (or my co-pilot on the crazy train), and I had contacted her last month when I had a particularly anxious few days of thought about leaving the girls. She advised that I find a couple of verses to repeat to myself and practice putting it in His hands. I did that ("They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord." ~Psalm 112:7 and "Peace I leave with you and my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." ~John 14:27) and have remained a little more in control of my emotions.
Then Wednesday night, we sang that beautiful praise and worship song, "You're All I Want". I hadn't ever paid much attention to the line, "Help me know You are near" until that night. I think that's when it became clear to me that just because He's going to Cambodia with me does NOT mean He's leaving my babes alone in Tennessee. His hand will be on them as surely as it is on me, all the way around on the other side of the world.
And you know, I think He even understands my lapses in faith and the moments I feel like I can't swallow because I am almost paralyzed by the fear my thoughts create. I know that, in those moments, He's going to "help me know He is near". He will remind me that He is near to me and He is near to Emma and Kelsey and Kraig (and all of my other loved ones on this continent). That's just the kind of God He is.
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