So Friday was a rough one for me. I woke up late, moved slowly, and had a leftover headache from our firepit Thursday night. I was late to school and that leftover headache became the dizziness and fuzzy-headedness that had plagued me for over a month until it took an almost two week break, but is now apparently back. Seems many kids took the day off, so I had lots of absences in my classes. I certainly didn't make any friends in one class because I gave a test that was apparently very hard and many of them had no notes to study. (I will concede on this point that, had I thought about it at all, I would not have scheduled a test for the day after Halloween. It was just the way my calendar fell and I didn't even think about them being out late the night before. My fault.) A kid came to get my recycling and accidentally crushed my plastic recycling container into smithereens. Plus the paper in my classroom? It's smothering me to death. If I don't find a few hours to file some things and put that room back in order, I'm probably going to completely lose my mind.
So by my planning period, I was feeling pretty whiny and had worked up a doggone good "poor me" mood. And then reality paid a little visit to room 222.
Without being too specific, in order to protect their identity, let's just say that I had an opportunity to spend some time in conversation with several of my students whose lives make my "bad day" look like an afternoon in the King's Palace. They didn't come to my room looking to sing me a sad song, or in need of pity, or even for advice or any other reason. They actually came on an errand and we just were talking about various things. They both are living a life of a level of responsibility I never knew existed until after I was married. Honestly, it probably didn't even come home to me at that point. Their burdens and cares and situations are not those of your typical 17 year old... And yet they are 17. They are both responsible in some way for other individuals and they both keep hours out of necessity that I keep out of irresponsibility. The part that struck me the most is that they weren't anything but matter-of-fact about the cards they have been dealt. And they are MAKING IT HAPPEN. They work, they provide care, they go to school, they clean, they do homework, they transport other people, they make the grade, they are GOOD PEOPLE. The entire time we talked, it was all I could do not to wrap my arms around them and tell them how much I adore them, how amazed I am by them, the level of deep respect I have for them and the choices they make. (And I'm not even a hugger!) I fought tears multiple times, just thinking about what has gotten them to this point, to this place... and for me to have visibly teared up would have felt disrespectful to them. They don't need my tears... or my pity... or even my words or my hugs. They've done it. On their own. They've done it for 17 years and you know what? They are survivors. They are going to make it, and make it with class, because they haven't had people to tug and pull them along. How dare I complain? How dare I whine about people giving me a hard time or needing time to file some papers?
I don't know why one person is born into one life situation and another person is born into another. I don't know why my kids have more crap than they can even play with while other kids don't have a single thing to call their own. I don't know why I grew up with parents who doted on me and extended family who supported me and church friends who loved me when there are people out there with not a single person in their lives. I don't get it and I don't know how to feel about it. I've felt sad and I've felt moved and I've felt mad and I've felt overwhelmed and I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Or maybe it's patronizing to even spend time THINKING about how I feel? I don't know. I don't.
I left school Friday with a soul-heaviness that hasn't really lifted. My tears right now are of frustration and exhaustion and not a little bit of anger at all the people who have it so easy and don't even know it...the people who have no clue what stories are sitting beside them or walking toward them or sleeping down the hall from them...the people like ME, half the time... the people who judge without ever considering the backstory... the people who complain about such trivial things when there are others who have worked so hard just to break even. I just want to fix it. And I don't know how.
No comments:
Post a Comment