In the mad rush of the middle school cross country state meet taking place on the Saturday before we left at 4:00 the following morning for our cruise, then getting back the evening before school started, then enduring the most hectic and insane week possible at work last week, I haven’t really had time to reflect on the season. The state meet signified, not only the ending of the cross country season, but the official end of middle school cross country in this house. Although I look forward to many more years of high school cross country, it makes me so sad to close the door on this chapter because it brought such beauty to our lives. Emma decided kind of on a whim to give it a go in 7thgrade and I was so proud of her for being so brave and strong to try a sport that was unfamiliar to all of us and one that she didn’t necessarily have other friends doing. Kelsey didn’t even think twice as a sixth grader, knowing from the start that she wanted to join the team and gave it three years of her life, three joyful years of hard work. The girls got to run together in 6thand 8thgrade, which was a lot of fun. Then cross country provided a people and a focus for Roman in his first year in America and public school, and he and Kelsey ran together last year, as 7thand 8thgraders. Finally, this year, cross country gifted Angela with friends and a physical confidence that she had not had before. It was a blast to see my two youngest as teammates, running together for their 8thgrade seasons.
Tonight was the middle school cross country banquet. The first award presented was the Coach’s Award, and almost as soon as Coach Thomas started talking, I knew who the recipient was going to be. One of the things she said is that she can see this particular person one day becoming a coach herself, which is exactly what Angela wants to do. As I listened to that beautiful tribute to and description of my girl, I couldn’t help but look back on the journey we have taken and I could so clearly see God’s fingerprints all over it.
Last year, I begged Angela to run. She absolutely and stoutly refused. So every single afternoon, I went to CMS and picked her up at regular school time while Roman and Kelsey had cross country practice, Francisco had cross country, and Emma had volleyball. Every single meet and game, she dutifully accompanied me to cheer for the rest of the crowd. It made me sad to see her on the sidelines of everything, as Roman and Francisco made friends and connections. I was so worried that she didn’t seem to have any desire to find her niche.
Then in November, we went to Vanderbilt to the International Adoption Clinic for what I thought was a certain type of testing but ended up just being a sort of counseling eval for all three kids. They each talked independently with the psychologist, then the psychologist, me and each kid talked. Although I was highly irritated that we had taken the time and miles to drive that distance and hadn’t gotten what I had asked for, a few valuable tidbits came out of it and one was from Angela. The psychologist, who had talked alone with Angela MAYBE 15 minutes, told me, “She said that it was really good and important to her that she got to be by herself with you in the afternoons while her brothers and sisters had sports practices. She really enjoyed those days and it seems like it went a long way in building a bond between the two of you.” I almost teared up right then and there. I’m tearing up now, thinking about it. What I had seen as a failure to connect had actually resulted in Angela feeling closer to me and more secure in our relationship. God knew that she needed one-on-one time and would never ask for it, and so He arranged divinely appointed afternoons for the two of us. We didn’t do anything huge on those days, either! We went to Target, Dollar Tree, Walmart, got ice cream, sat in parking lots and waited. And talked. And, apparently almost accidentally and certainly without my realizing it, bonded. Look at God.
And that bond has grown and grown over the course of the year since those afternoons. This year when it was almost time for school to start, Angela told me, “I’m running cross country this year.” Of course I was elated, and this season has been incredible for her. She has found a friend group and increased self-confidence. She has found motivation and a strong determination. Watching her run, I see the strength and resilience in her that brought her this far in her life. And as many times in the past, I see the self-awareness that she has that goes so far beyond her years. Halfway through the season, as her times were better and better and she was consistently running in the fourth position, I said, “See how well you’re doing? You could have done this last year too.”
Angela’s immediate response was, “But Mom, I wasn’t READY last year.” ……… UM. Ok. I guess I still have a lot to learn from you, my girl. How much wisdom is there in that, to do things in YOUR time rather than when others want you to, when it feels like makes the most sense, when it would be the most fun… to wait until you’re ready. How much frustration could we all avoid if we would wait to do things till we are ready? And I know that God had other important work for the two of us last year, the work of building a relationship. If she had let me push her, in all of my ignorance, not only would she not have been ready to run, but we would have missed the opportunities we had last year to connect.
But this year, she was ready… so ready. And she exceled. And every word Coach Thomas said tonight about her was the truth. When I look at Angela, all I see is Gungor’s song, “Beautiful Things”.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change, at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground, at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found, in you
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new,
You are making me new
You make me new,
You are making me new
When I think about that little 9 year old girl and all that she lost…. when I think about the pain… when I think about the chaos it must have felt like in the next couple of months… when I think about the walls she built, the ground of her heart that hardened, the dust of hopes and dreams she lost along the way…. And then I see this beautiful thing that He is creating, the hope, the smiles, the laughter, the silliness, the strength, the friendships, the joy…. I am so eternally grateful to have a Father who not only knit us together in our mothers’ wombs, but who will re-knit us together when the tragedies of this world tear us apart. He makes us new, and Angela is a living representation of how a loving Heavenly Father makes beautiful things out of us.
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