He's Still Working on Me...

In the past one and a half months, I have asked people for more favors than I think I have in my entire life. I have accepted more offers of assistance, both financial and physical, than I think I have in the first 38 years and 10 months of my life. (Except maybe those first few years.... I guess I was pretty dependent back then. ;) ) I almost posted something like this just after my surgery in August and it's laughable to me now to look back and think about how much has transpired in this character development for me since that time and how much more full this blog post will be than if I had written it back then.

Let me be really clear upfront about something.... While I certainly think a degree of independence and self-sufficiency is important, I don't say any of this to brag about how independent and self-sufficient I am. In fact, it has become painfully clear to me this past year that, in fact, my particular brand of independence is actually sinful and prideful. 

I HATE to feel like I am inconveniencing people. I can't STAND to have to ask people for favors. And money? Well for OTHER causes, I am happy to fundraise but fundraising for my own personal missional causes makes me tremendously uncomfortable. In fact, I am so uncomfortable with money that I have a ridiculous amount of outstanding invoices in the business, some from as long ago as six months or more, because I feel so awkward going back to people and saying, "Hey, you still owe us for those shirts." I would prefer to just let it go. (Don't anyone tell Kraig.) The only situation that I feel more uncomfortable in than having someone hand me money is standing in front of people to speak. (Not MY people, in MY classroom, but OTHER people. ;) )

Soooo..... in light of the above paragraph, want to know what I have done in the past month and a half? 

During my heart stuff at the end of summer, I had to "take it easy" while other people handled certain things around here and with family. 

While in the hospital, my mom ran errands for me, other teachers in my department picked up my slack, friends helped me out in various ways like sending me information from the girls' registration days. Every single time I needed to get up, even to go to the bathroom, I had to get a nurse because I was hooked to too many things and they were still so concerned about my heart. 

During my recovery, our church ministry brought a meal every night (which at first I was just HORRIFIED to have to receive, that those sweet people took all that time to cook (something I HATE to do) and deliver a meal to me-- THEN it became so wonderfully amazing that I adjusted to it quickly, haha!), my family had to lift everything over a certain poundage for me, the teachers at school made my classroom somewhat inhabitable, and my mom and friends bailed me out with the girls regularly, and I had to continually ask for people to do or lift or walk or be during those two weeks. These "people" included students of mine that I hadn't even really MET yet. 

God's something, isn't He??? *said with a wry tone because you know He basically made me have to do everything I hated, all in one week!* *said with dramatic irony because you and I know what comes next but the first-of-August-me had no idea....*

So that ^ all felt really hard and icky. Then God chucked to Himself and said, "Watch her finally have to drop that prideful self-sufficiency and become a humbled woman who can not only accept help, but even ask for it."

We started the adoption process. And within days of making this decision, I was having to ask my boss not only for a letter of rec, but a really detailed letter AND for her to notarize it AND for her to mail it AND for her to fill out an employment verification form! Within two days of making the public announcement, I was asking for money through our envelope fundraiser. In the month that has followed, I have:

• Had to get reference letters from our pastor, my boss, and three other friends.
• Promoted a team shirt adoption fundraiser.
• Gone BACK to the envelope donors, asking for the physical funds.
• Gotten a medical eval from my doctor (two forms for two agencies) that took half of forever and meant that multiple nurses and my doctor were inconvenienced. Except this was TWICE since Kraig goes to them too. 
• Asked my kids' pediatrician office for not one but TWO difference medical forms to be filled out on the girls.
• Applied for two adoption grants, with more to come.
• Composed a letter to ask another institution of individuals to assist us. 
• Requested reference letters from one each of our girls' TEACHERS, neither of whom we know very well at all.
• Begged online for psych references.
• Been blessed by a sweet friend coordinating her own fundraiser for our team shirt sales.
• Planned a 5K that I am now asking people to run.
• Emailed a lady I didn't even know and asked if we could interview her family for our adoptive parents interview and not only did she say yes, we skyped tonight for TWO HOURS.
• Requested another round of paperwork  from my references and this time we added two additional people.
• Asked an insanely large favor/request of another loved one.
• Taken valuable time from our school administrative assistant as she assists me in various ways.
• Created a 20th Reunion shirt, swallowed some MAJOR pride and insecurity issues and peddled it at my reunion this weekend, and am going to post on our reunion page if I can ever work up my nerve (He's still working on me... to make me what I ought to be!)

It's actually jarring to my system even right now to read over this list. I feel so uncomfortable asking people to help us, financially and physically, and I feel terribly bad about creating extra work for people. But do you know what I have had to realize and the place I have had to come to? It's not about me. That's the root of insecurity and inferiority, you know. You think that everyone's attention is on you, that they are evaluating you and you are coming up short. The truth is, no one is paying you any attention at all. It's not all about you. And so as I have realized that it's not about me, I have been able to speak up and ask for help and let others ask if they could help. It's all about God and the crazy, big, amazing plan He has for our family and our lives. Not a single thing on the list above is going to personally benefit me in any way, but it surely is benefitting those three sweet kiddos we are working so hard to bring home!

And so I will continue to ask and receive, knowing that even though this is a more challenging position to be in than that of the giver, it is what is required of me right now. I will remind myself that there are those who love a chance to bless someone else and the time has come for me to let others take that role for a while. And I will rest in the knowledge that, as Kraig pointed out tonight, there will be lots of chances to pay it forward one day.

His blessings are so abundant. I just have to be open to receive them.