You're ok...You'll be fine..It's fine...You're going to be fine...Don't worry, it's really ok, you're good.

I told someone the other day, I honestly think that 94% of being a teacher is just telling people, "You're ok," "You'll be fine," "It's fine," "You're going to be fine," "Don't worry, it's really ok, you're good," ALL THE TIME. :) Seriously. I don't remember saying it nearly as often when I taught tenth graders, but my seniors need to hear these words so frequently, and I think it's because everything feels so heavy to them. Everything feels like it matters so much. One flopped assignment, one bad day in class, one negative interaction with a coach, one issue with a teacher, one expectation not met and it seems like it can ruin every bit of their hard work for the past thirteen years. It typically won't, of course. You know that. I know that. We've been there already, survived it, and we know that the picture is so much bigger than what they can see right now. But they don't know that, because they are living it. And they can only see the tiny square of the picture that they are currently painting.

I wonder how much more God is murmuring to us, "You're ok," "You'll be fine," "It's fine," "You're going to be fine," "Don't worry, it's really ok, you're good."

This adoption journey for me has been full of Madonna (Mother of Jesus, not the artist)-like moments of great serenity and moments where my flesh is so loud I can hardly hear anything over it screaming. Let me say upfront that I have zero doubt at all that this is what the Lord has for us and I am ELATED that He is blessing us with the gift and opportunity to bring these kids into our home. But I am also very human, and while I am certain it's His plan for us, I have moments of great fear.

When we first considered the adoption, Kraig was concerned about the money required for the adoption itself. $37,500 is, after all, rather a lot of money. I was more concerned about, you know, parenting 5 kids financially. I was certain that the Lord would make a way to bring them here. At some point, we traded places and Kraig became deeply concerned (to the point that we really debated if we could do it financially) about raising a houseful of teens and I got very nervous about raising that much money to bring them here. I think we have now both come to a place where we have decided that we will take things one step at a time. And the current step in front of us is a daunting one. The hard part for us in regard to the money is that we are taking what is normally a 12-18 month process (with that long to raise funds) and squishing it into a six month or less process. There are many adoption grants out there, but you can't apply for them until your home study is complete and, as fast as we have moved, we are still only just now to the point where our home study is being written. We are going to be tight to even be eligible for most grants due to the expedited nature of the process for us.

I think the for the first 6 weeks (yes, we called the adoption agency six weeks ago today-- and will finish our part of the process on Saturday as soon as we do our psychologicals), I was going on adrenaline. Since we finished our home study visits and turned in the last of our paperwork last week, I have felt strangely letdown. It's kind of like that January feeling you get... Christmas is over, summer is a long way away, and things are empty. It is in those times that the flesh starts to take over and faith feels distant.

I'm really stressing over the money part. As I told a couple of friends today, I have absolutely no doubt that God's hand is in this. And I have no doubt that He will provide. There is no way that He would leave those three kids over there for one to age out and for them to be separated. But man, my flesh is struggling with faith. In the past six weeks, it feels like we have already worked really hard and leaned on our people. And we have been tremendously successful, raising almost $8,000 so far through a couple of big donations, an envelope donation fundraiser, and our team shirt sales. But $8,000 isn't even 1/4 of $37,500. And we are probably well over 1/4 of the way to our final payments being due.

We have a 5K (register here or email forsuchatimecreations414@gmail.com) scheduled for October 22 and hadn't had any registrants at all until this morning... THIS MORNING. Just when I was struggling, I checked my email and had the first two people sign up. Granted, two is a tiny fraction of what we want/need. But two is all it took for my spirits to lift and for me to hear God's reassuring "You're ok," "You'll be fine," "It's fine," "You're going to be fine," "Don't worry, it's really ok, you're good." Because all I'm seeing is the tiny portion of the picture we are, with our fleshly, human hands, painting. He knows how the story is going to end. And He knows that, even when it doesn't feel like it, I'm ok. And it's going to be fine.