2020: Redeem {Also the Longest Blog Post Ever Written}

 So this is the end of 2020, a year that will live in the memory of every human currently living on this earth until they breathe their last. 

It's also a year that will live in the annals of our family memory and history.

This year I turned 43 years old. In 43 years, this was the most difficult. And not just pandemic-related, although that surely didn't make anything any less challenging. But this is an overall look back, so it's a complete story of highs and lows and in-betweens.

Our year started, just a week and a half in, with a son running off. It was not the first time that had happened; it was the second, neither of which being things we have really told many people. However, it's important to the events of the year to clearly delineate the roots and causes, so here we are. Our oldest left home with nothing but the money in his bank account and his phone to "go on an adventure of a lifetime" to a city he had picked off a map in Mississippi. He didn't know anyone there, had no plans, no job, not even his green card, just a crazy whim to "be on his own". Needless to say, this was horrifying, as he had not even driven on an interstate before and he called to let me know he was gone during my work day. Panic ensued, an entire day and evening of fear for our entire family at home. (Well, to be fair, his two biological siblings weren't very concerned. It seems this had happened before, but I would argue that running off in the Philippines and running off in America aren't the same thing.) He finally called to let us know that he "was turning around in some guy's yard in Alabama and they said he could pay them $20 to sleep on their couch, so he was going to stay there". Bigger panic ensued. We FINALLY convinced him to go to a hotel. God created a situation in which his car broke down and had to be towed, then repaired, which eventually led to his deciding to return home, much to our gratefulness. 

When he came home, it was time for some hard talks. He told us that he didn't want to return to CSCC for school, which was MORE THAN fine with us. It was totally a trial experiment for him anyway, and we were fine with him not going back. We made a plan together for him to try to get on full time at his current factory and we also realized together that the best thing for everyone in our house was for him to move out (at his request). We then started the process for helping him become independent while we waited and hoped for our rental house to become available, which it did very quickly.

So for us in the Davis household, 2020 crashed long before the world shut down due to a pandemic. January and February were brutal, scary months in which we were terrified every day that he would decide to run again. 

On March 12, one day before Covid-19 changed the world, our son turned 21. That was our last meal in a restaurant to this day, other than a couple on our trip west this fall. That day marked the change in everything, including his role in our family, as he began the true transition to move to independence and adult living. 

By April, we had moved him into our rental house and he had begun his life as a grown adult. This, while it has not come without its share of difficulties and heartaches, would turn out to be the best decision by far for the collective mental and emotional health of all seven members of this family.

The forced quarantine months of March through May were really a mixed bag for us and for me. I do feel that I grew a lot in favorable ways mentally and emotionally, as I learned to do what had to be done to maintain my sanity and not what my 3 Enneagram self thought had to be done to wring some sort of "success" out of this experience. We had a lot of family movie nights and game nights and special activities like Survivor finale night and Cinco de Mayo and ice cream trips and so on. I also mandated time outdoors every day that weather permitted it for all of us. Vitamin D does wonders for the soul.

I forced the kids to do all of their schoolwork at first, but as our district decided not to take grades, I slowly realized that although it went against every bit of who I am and what I believe in to allow them to stop working, it was necessary for survival and preservation of relationships. I also slowly released my own ideas of what was expected of me as a teacher during this time, and instead turned my attention to preparing for the coming school year and maintaining relationships with my students, even encouraging and pushing some to a passing grade and graduation when I didn't think there had been a prayer for them to get there. Not getting to end the year with one of the greatest senior groups I can remember in a while absolutely gutted me.

My greatest sadness and sense of failure regarding the forced quarantine of March-May and the voluntary quarantine that we have chosen since May is that my kids have missed so much socially, and I fear that my two newest kids have regressed socially in ways that took years to build and will take that many more to recover. I pray that God will redeem those losses and I believe that He will, but it's hard to think about. We also missed so much time with my grandparents, seeing them through a window pane, and my parents, visiting only outside all spring (and summer and fall and winter).

There were so many tough griefs for my teens in those months... no Model UN, no tennis season, no military ball, no prom, no end of the semester, two birthdays significantly altered, no end to freshman, sophomore, and junior years, no social gatherings and friend-building, no ACT or ACT practice, and so on. We learned to grieve them and move on, which provided good practice for the continuation of the pandemic into the summer and this entire fall and winter.

Parenting at this time was so stinking hard. There were meltdowns and breakdowns and revelations that, to be honest, broke our hearts. Some of it would have happened without the pandemic but the trauma of a worldwide pandemic on top of parenting teens, some of whom were making very poor choices, made us want to give up and leave on a few days, if I'm honest. I felt like a total failure and I even questioned if we had truly followed His will for us on several things.

Spiritually, the spring was a period of growth for me. We had drive-in church and there was such a sense that God was using this pandemic to build something. I will never forget the days leading up to Easter when I just KNEW that God was on the move through His church. My own quiet times were stronger than ever, and I felt led at one point to read the book of Psalms, which felt fitting in the current times.

In May, I had a long-needed surgery done on my eyelids, which put me in bed and blind (no glasses or contacts) for close to a week. That was a really favorable end to three really fun months. {sarcasm font} However, summer came, and with it a sense of at least some normalcy (although nothing has been truly normal since early March). We went to the pool, we spent time outdoors, we did a modified version of Bear Paw several times, although wearing masks in the cabin never felt normal. The family Bear Paw trip was changed drastically and, although I am proud of us for making the most of what we had, my heart still hurts for what we lost. We also spent a little time at the lake with the Davis side of the family, although the rain and clouds and cold certainly hindered that trip as well.

So many trips were canceled. I counted the other day and I had 8 trips canceled in 2020, some due to the pandemic and some not, and some were Plan B's and C's to the Plan A's that were canceled. We missed a year of Royal Family Kids' Camp, which doesn't seem real to this day. 

Relationships in 2020 were ... strange. In some ways, some of them actually bloomed and were strengthened. We didn't take the people in our lives for granted anymore. We sought out ways, sometimes creative ways, to spend time together. Others fell away due to a lack of physical proximity. We also endured a very divisive season in this country in which people were opposed to each other due to the virus, masks, civil rights, social justice, monuments, and politics. That hasn't improved a whole lot today, we have just added an election and vaccines to the mix. 

Our family has made the choice to maintain a pretty strict quarantine, even when it wasn't called for. This meant that our kids were often left out of parties and spend the nights and even eating in restaurants after football games this fall. I'll be honest and say that I am not 100% sure that we made the right choice and I wonder if we gave up too much. It's something that I think may always haunt me. In fact, I told another parent (of a baby) that I think it's the decision fatigue of parenting in 2020 that has been the hardest. With every choice, we were having to weight the potential physical health and safety of our family and others against the emotional and mental health for our kids. Sometimes we chose to let our kids go and do, but in most cases we decided to keep them home. 

Emma is a senior this year, a year that has been ravaged by a pandemic. I said at the beginning of the year, and it has proven true, that her class would be one that appreciated and cherished everything they got because they didn't know how long they would have it. They still have lost so much. We have been lighter on Emma's restrictions than the other kids because we know this is the end of the road for her, but she has still had to miss a lot. 

Numbers spiked drastically (except not compared to now) in the summer due to some local events and many people suffered the loss of their cherished loved ones. 

School started back and with it so many changes... but also so much that created the comfort and safety of routine. It was absolutely terrifying for me to start this school year in person but I am so grateful that we did. Our district has, over and over, exhibited an almost tender care for our students and staff and I will never forget it. This semester was just a GIFT. My classes were incredible and a sense of profound peace prevailed in the midst of everything. We had to deal with contact tracing and MedIso (Angela was sent home as a result of that two times and missed close to 30 days of school total) and having some kids in the room and some at home, but we did it! We made it.

My kids did their sports and cross country season for Angela and Kelsey was incredible. The girls made state for the first time in forever and we were so excited and proud. Emma got her first job outside the home and absolutely loves it and thrives. Not one time has she complained about having to go in to work, she truly leaves excited every time. Angela got in one Raiders competition this fall and Kelsey got in one swim meet. Tennis got tryouts and a week of pre-season. We are trying our very best to get what we can, pandemic and all.

The greatest loss of 2020 was the loss of my grandmother. She passed away in early August after only seeing us through a window pane for five months. That breaks my heart, but I also know that my grandmother would not have HESITATED if given the choice to go home to Jesus or stay where she was. For that, I am happy for her. The passing of a loved one during Covid (though not due to Covid) was also utterly devastating. We had no visitation, just an outdoor funeral, and in order to protect my parents and aunt and uncle, they did not get the opportunity for comfort from their friends and loved ones. They were seated when it was time to start and they were the first to be escorted back to the cars. In addition, my Grandaddy did not receive a single touch or hug during the loss of his wife, even from his son or daughter. He was brought to the funeral by the nursing home, sat apart from the rest of us, and left first. He didn't get to go to his wife's grave. It still shocks me at times to know that she is gone and she went in the way that she did. My grandaddy has had his own battles with health and reason during this time, and recently was hospitalized after having Covid himself (but tested negative at the time of hospitalization). Although I don't want to loss another loved one in these conditions, I do pray that God brings him home sooner rather than later.

The biggest high of 2020 for all of us was our fall break trip. We debated and debated, and I researched and researched, because as I said, we were being careful. We finally decided a trip of all outside activities, carryout food, and flights on planes that were committed to mitigations was a safe bet. I have a whole other blog about that trip here but it was the single greatest of maybe my whole life. It was the biggest joy to go somewhere and see beautiful things and spend so much time together.

The week of my 43rd birthday came, and for the first time since March, our family gathered under a roof. We took precautions, my 7 and my parents wore masks, and we kept lots of physical space between us and my mom and dad and sister and BIL, but we did gather for a birthday dinner for me on the Friday night before my Monday birthday. It felt a little like what the past and hopefully future will feel, and that felt good. The next day, I felt a general sense of malaise as we decorated for Christmas. On Sunday, I felt better and we took a family trip to Atlanta to see drive through Christmas lights, which truly made it feel like the season was upon us. Monday was my birthday, and that day dawned beautiful and mild. I decided to start my next year with a bike ride on the Greenway, so Angela went with me to run. Two different times on my ride, I felt dizzy and had to get off my bike and lay down. I figured I had just been too long since I had exercised. We met my Mom and DQ's patio for lunch, then my family enjoyed a cookie cake that night. The following day, Tuesday, I felt achy like I had some the week before, and I couldn't get warm. That night, I took my temperature and had a fever of 100.7. I knew. I looked at Kraig and said, "I have Covid." It terrified me, both for myself and for worrying about how long I may have been contagious and could I have given it to my parents the Friday before. I went for a test the next day, Wednesday. My family was fully packed for a Thanksgiving trip to West Virginia (which I did not think was the best plan) and Emma and I had planned to stay here for her to work. Once I ran a fever, they canceled the trip and Kraig made Thanksgiving lunch for us at home (me in my bedroom).  My results came on Friday-- positive. At that point, the rest of the family was stuck for 24 days. The rest of them got a test on Friday. On Monday, we got their results and Kelsey was positive. She joined me in the sickroom.  Kraig worked from home, I sent in sub plans, and the kids did google hangouts. We isolated here for the required number of days (14 for me and Kelsey and 24 for them). Then we rejoined the world, fresh with a brand new immunity for me and Kelsey for 90 days. It wasn't awful, was in fact a little bit cozy. I am glad Kelsey was with me or I would have lost my mind.

The Christmas season, once Covid was over for us, was actually a very pleasant and slow one. Time feels magnified and extended in so many ways, probably due to so much being canceled, and it's a little bit of a gift. We did make the choice to gather with mom and dad and Natalie and Josh on Christmas Eve and morning, both times with all wearing masks and staying in basically two separate rooms with an opening between them. Our Silver family elected not to gather, which was a first in my lifetime and sad, but necessary. The cousins opened gifts virtually. Kraig also made the choice or us to take our trip to West Virginia on Christmas Day, although it wasn't the same either due to his sister's family and one brother's being affected by Covid and so we didn't get to see them during our visit. The cousins opened gifts virtually there too, and we only saw one brother and his wife and son and Nana and Popaw. The time together was filled with games and movies (and books read-- me) and we hope it was an appropriate decision but the jury is still out for a couple of weeks more. 

My 2020 word was Redeem, a word that God absolutely handed to me because I never would have picked it. I remember being so confused at the mystery of that word during the last days of 2019. And then, as this incredibly long blog post makes clear, it didn't take long into 2020 to feel like the word "redeem" was a cruel joke. Nothing was being redeemed. In fact, things had been good and they were breaking, being destroyed, crashing into pieces all around us. My word should have been Devastation because that's what it felt like. Then the pandemic hit and Redeem felt even more ridiculous. So not only are things in our household falling apart, the entire world is breaking down! I still couldn't figure it out. For 8 long months. Then one day in August, I was sitting on my bed and God spoke to me as clearly as if it had been an audible voice. He said, "Your word for this year is not a reflection of the current reality of this year. It's a future promise that I will redeem the events of 2020." 

Wow. I just sat in awe. OK. I can hold onto that. I believe in that. Then in October or November, my pastor gave the most specific prophetic word at the end of a sermon that I KNOW was God further clarifying His promise to me. And so I wait. And if I have to wait till eternity to see it, I will, because His promises will not fail. Whether it's in 2021 or the distant future, I know that God is going to redeem to brokenness of this year... the relationships, the trust, the heartbreak, the joy, the healing, the losses. He is. And I'll be here waiting when He does.

Fall Break 2020 in the Wild Wild West

 I’ve had a lot of people ask for our itinerary for our trip west, and I knew I would do a blog post about it so I just decided to wait and do it all at once. I’ll give the itinerary and also any changes/suggestions I would have made. I’ll also link all of the activities and companies and Airbnb’s that we used. I’ll talk money a little bit.

Disclaimer: 

I do want to note that a trip like this is not for everyone. There are two important considerations if you are interested in our trip.

I am a fan of what I call a “survey trip”. If I told some people that we hit 7 national parks and 2 state parks in 9 days in four states, they would be almost offended. Yosemite in a day?!?!?! That’s a disgrace, they might say. However, I love to “sample” places on trips so that then I know where I would like to return to and spend more time. 

We don’t do downtime when we travel. We don’t nap, we don’t sit in a hotel room, we don’t sleep in, we don’t go to bed early (although on this trip we stayed with Cleveland time, so we did sleep later than we would have), we don’t lounge at restaurants, we don’t sit around. We go and we see and we do. A Davis trip (or a school trip run by Athena Davis, haha!) requires travel stamina. I’m the person who, if I have a long layover, will plan an activity in the city of the layover so as to see more. If this isn’t your way to travel, I do not AT ALL recommend this itinerary. It was constant going and doing and seeing and it was tiring even for people like us who are used to this sort of travel. 

I’ll do the quick and dirty itinerary below, then go into more detail by day for those who want to read that.

Basic Itinerary:

Day 1: Arrive in Vegas, sightsee there, overnight at Residence Inn Marriott Airport

Day 2: Drive to Grand Canyon North Rim, short walk and pics, drive to Page, Arizona,         Horseshoe Bend, overnight at Shash Dine Eco Retreat

Day 3: Drive to Kanab, Utah, ATV/UTV excursion at Pink Coral Sand Dunes State Park,         drive to Zion National Park, hikes and the Narrows, overnight at Zion Ponderosa         Ranch Resort

Day 4: Drive to Bryce Canyon City, E-bikes around town and park, drive to Bryce                 Canyon National Park, tour/hike/sunset, overnight at Airbnb in Panguitch, Utah

Day 5: Drive to Great Basin National Park, hike, drive to Bishop, CA, overnight at                 Eastside Guesthouse

Day 6: Yosemite National Park, hike and sightsee and tour, overnight at Eastside Guesthouse                                

Day 7: Drive to Manzanar, auto tour and pictures, drive to Alabama Hills and Mobius                 Arch, hike and pics, drive to Death Valley and drive through, stopping at Father         Crawley’s Point/Mesquite Sand Dunes/Badwater Basin, drive to Joshua Tree,                 CA, go in park after dinner for sky-watching, overnight at Airbnb in Joshua Tree

Day 8: Joshua Tree National Park, hike and pics, drive to San Diego, sightsee and pics,         kayak excursion at sunset, overnight at Airbnb in San Diego

Day 9: Flight home from San Diego

National Parks Information:

America the Beautiful National Parks Pass ($80) is ESSENTIAL. It saved us hundreds of dollars. Plus, it’s good for a year so if we are able to do an RV trip this summer with my mom and dad, it will pay for itself about 5 times.

Stay up to date using the NPS websites! This is especially important in the time of Covid (many visitor centers are closed still and some areas of parks are closed.) This is how I knew that we needed shuttle tickets at Zion and reservations to get into Yosemite. Several people in front of us at Yosemite were turned around because they didn’t know they had to have reservations. It’s also how I knew when parks were closed due to wildfires and that I needed to adjust our itinerary the week before we went.

Travel Details and Notes:

By flying into one airport and out of another, we were able to maximize our time. And surprisingly, it actually didn’t increase the flight prices. It DID increase the rental car price, but it was worth it to have more time.

We bought waters at a Walmart in Vegas, again in Springdale at a DG, and again in a little market outside Death Valley. We kept them in the cooler and left it in the car at night to stay chilled. Where there were refrigerators, we put them in at night. We all had our hydroflasks, which we kept filled from the water bottles.

In packing, we had to consider six people and 3 seasons, as we knew it may get cold in the northern areas and at night. We also had to pack in such a way that everything would fit into the van. Plus we wanted to take snacks and a cooler. We went with 3 hard shell suitcases and 3 duffles, with each person having their own packing cubes in the suitcases. We swear by packing cubes in this house!!! We put the soft sided cooler in one of the duffles and packed our food in the suitcases. This ended up being GENIUS, because dragging in 6 bags at every overnight stop was senseless. In the Vegas hotel that night, I had everyone get out clothes for the next two days. We put those clothes in one of the duffles and that’s what we carried in on Sunday and Monday nights. On Tuesday night, we rearranged again, packing a duffle for Wed and Thursday nights, and putting dirty clothes in one duffle.. Thursday night we rearranged again, and then Saturday night we took everything in to begin the puzzle of making weight in each bag.

I had read that driving in the dark is not advisable out west due to wildlife on the road (ironically, I hit a deer at 2:00 in the afternoon in a national park, so there’s that). Therefore, I planned everything in order to try to be where we were landing by dark every night. We did leave in the dark a few times, since we stayed on Cleveland time in our planning.

Staying on Cleveland time had a lot of benefit for us. My original thought was that it would decrease jetlag, which it did. It also worked well in regard to the stopping before dark in our driving. It also worked well mentally for teens, because when I said we were leaving at 8 or 9 AM, they didn’t feel like it was as early (whereas local time was 5 or 6 AM). :) 

Preparation:

I am pretty certain I spent more time planning and researching this trip than I did my bachelor’s honors thesis. Haha! The internet is an incredible thing, and I suggest using it as much as you can to gather from the experience of others. It was especially helpful to find blog posts from people with teens, people who were somewhat out of shape, and people who were “strangers in a foreign land”, so to speak. I also joined several fb groups (two for national parks in general and one for Zion specifically. Those helped a whole lot.

In learning about things, I realized a few purchases we needed to make to be prepared. One was hiking sticks, which Kraig thought were pointless and very quickly realized that they were so helpful. I plan to take them with me every time I go on a hike from now on, whether it is in a national park out west or in my own backyard. They are awesome! We bought relatively cheap ones from amazon (3 sets of 2) and we each just used one. I also purchased neoprene socks for all of us after reading info on the Narrows. I didn’t want to spend $50 per person to rent a stick, socks, and boots when we didn’t even really know how long we would stay in the water. This was also a great decision on our part and our socks and old tennis shoes were perfect for our needs.

Walmart bags. These were our best friend and I am so glad I took so many. They were perfect for dusty shoes, for neoprene socks, for wet clothes, for trash, and on and on. 

Time. Everything is going to take a little bit longer than you anticipated, so make sure to work in some wiggle room. I really did NOT, and we were very blessed that it never adversely affected our plans.

I knew that phone service would be an issue in a lot of places, so I had taken screenshots of the driving directions, and that was wise. I would screenshot anything you might need because you go looooooong periods of time with no service.

Money:

We did a lot of meals in the car as snacks. This served two purposes, saving us time and saving us money. It was also more practical since Covid means that a lot of places aren’t open anyway, close early, and are difficult to access for different reasons.

For us, Airbnb’s are the cheapest way to stay due to having to have two hotel rooms for a family of our size. In addition, that offers the chance to refrigerate, to prepare food if needed (we didn’t on this trip), and to wash clothes (we DID on this trip). The key to Airbnb’s is twofold: REVIEWS and FEES. I can almost recite the reviews for every Airbnb we have stayed in because I read them so often. {Only one time have I stayed somewhere with no reviews, and it was because it was brand new and I told him how nervous I was to go without any reviews. He said, “ Well, the fact that we are new should make you more comfortable because you know that we are desperate for good reviews, so it will be perfect for you.” That was a great point.} Get familiar with reading into what is NOT said, as many reviewers are too nice to point out negative things (although some will). Use the reviews for info about the area as well! Reviews are wonderful. 

As for fees, don’t just go on the initial price it shows. Click “reserve” so that you can see the actual amount. Many of the places I looked at for this trip, likely due to Covid, had a cleaning fee that was equal the cost of the rental! Make sure the amount is what you are really willing to pay.

The major expenses on this trip were car rental and gas. We used airmiles for a ticket plus flights were actually really reasonable right now, either due to the time of year or Covid, I’m not sure. With flights, make sure to look at different times of day and on different days and also be flexible with where and when you are flying. We did do a LOT of driving, so the car part wasn’t cheap. Other than our $80 national parks pass and the $10 at Horseshoe Bend, every visit was free. Therefore, much like Washington, D.C., a national parks trip is a pretty cheap way to vacation! As mentioned above, we only bought one meal a day. We ate breakfast and lunch in the car from our giant snack bag and ate supper out. This resulted in relatively low dining costs. We chose to do 3 excursions on our trip, and one (the ATV/UTV trip) was pretty costly. (Let’s be honest, anything is costly with six people…) However, it also ended up being the one that most of us enjoyed the most, so I believe it was worth it. I suggest having a couple of activities on a trip of this length and this scope that are out of the ordinary. We did three and I wouldn’t change a thing. 

Seasons make such a difference for costs. This same trip would have cost a lot more during a busier season, I am certain. October is off-season in most parts of the country, which makes fall break trips both cheaper AND much less crowded! In addition, I suspect that Covid meant some dropped rates on some things since places are desperate to lure back their tourism funds.

I have had several large families ask me for more information about this trip and the cost. I will say this, since funds are often limited for large families and travel (or maybe all families and travel! Or most!)… We are people who prefer the experience to the THING. We always will choose to spend our money on travel and trips rather than items. And I had been saving money for a while (my “fun money”) for an anniversary trip for me and Kraig, for an extension this past summer onto a European mission trip in which I would have stayed longer and gone on a train trip of Europe to see all of the sights I teach about, and for a summer RV trip with my mom and dad. None of those things happened due to Covid, so I put a chunk of my change into the collective pot for this, our last trip with Emma. In addition, we had already booked a fall break cruise and we had that money refunded. 

That being said, this is a perfect trip for a large family because there aren’t any added “per person” type costs, other than airfare. The parks passes are per car, the rental car is basically the same (just have to pay for a van instead of a car), gas is the same, we can save on food, etc.. 

Quick Links to Excursions, Airbnb’s, Hotels, etc:

Hotel in Las Vegas 

Shash Dine Eco Retreat, Page, Arizona  (booked through Airbnb)

ATV/UTV excursions in Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park 

Zion Ponderosa Ranch Resort, Orderville, UT  (booked through Airbnb)

Bryce Canyon E-Bike Company 

Eastside Guesthouse, Bishop, CA 

Kayak Tour in San Diego 

Panguitch Airbnb 

Joshua Tree Airbnb 

San Diego Airbnb 

Detailed Itinerary with Links

Day 1: Flight into Las Vegas

Our Delta flight landed at 11:30 (I love gaining time by flying into a time zone that is behind us!) and we had our luggage and rental car and were out the door by 1. (The rental car company took quite literally forever but we were lucky they eventually had the car we had reserved. There were people waiting for Enterprise who had reserved a car and THEY DID NOT HAVE THEIR CAR AT ALL. They were “out of cars”. How does that happen when you reserved??? We used Thrifty Car Rental Company.)

Our hotel room was ready (we called to check) so we were able to drop off our luggage before we explored. We stayed at Residence Inn by Marriott at the Las Vegas airport. It was literally 8 minutes from the airport and was a really nice hotel. We were actually able to get a suite so that we didn’t have to have two rooms. 

Emma had scouted out a place called 7 Magic Mountains that she wanted to see. It was about 15 min from the hotel, so we headed that way, making a quick drive-through stop for Burger King. It was a really fun (and popular on a Saturday) little stop. I highly recommend it.

When we left there, we headed to Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area (about 45 min away). We did the scenic drive and took a few really short hike-walks while we were there. It was a stunning place and I am so glad we started our trip there.

We made a stop for Little Caesar’s pizza in the car, and by then it was dark enough to get the full impact of the Vegas Strip. We didn’t time our drive right for the Bellagio fountains, which was unfortunate, but it wasn’t worth driving down the street again. Kraig was planning to make an indoor visit to a casino, so we decided that it made the most sense for us to drop him off and then head back to the hotel and for him to get a cab back. That’s how we did it, and he came back $250 richer, so it was a win for all.

Day 2: Arizona (Grand Canyon, Horseshoe Bend)

We left at daybreak and turned toward Arizona for the North Rim of the Grand Canyon (drive of 4.5 hours, 274 miles). 

I somehow took a wrong turn somewhere along the way and we ended up having to backtrack to Vegas, which cost us 2 hours of time we didn’t have to spare. {eyeroll} This driving morning was long and tiresome. The last section of the drive to the Grand Canyon North Rim was pretty awful. Nothing to see, ready to get out of the car, boring, etc.. We arrived at the parking lot for the North Rim Visitor Center and lodge (Visitor Center closed due to Covid, Lodge open but closes October 15, I believe) at 2:30 Cleveland time. We took in the views from the patio of the lodge (absolutely stunning— truly took my breath away at the scope of the Grand Canyon), then took a short walk out to Bright Angel Point. We had planned to do some other hikes here but the time I lost with my misdirection meant that we couldn’t. Honestly, the whole place made me a nervous wreck that someone was going to fall so I wasn’t sad about it. Just seeing it was enough for me. We ate our lunch from our snack bag, then passed a fried bread truck (WHAT?!?!?!) in some little town and stopped for the most delicious funnel cakes. 

The next part of the drive (2 hrs, 112 miles) was likely my favorite of the whole trip. We drove beside the Vermillion Cliffs for what seemed like forever. We wound out of the mountains and down into the most beautiful Arizona valley with gorgeous scenery surrounding us. We stopped once at a little roadside area in Cliff Dweller (that’s the name of the city) to see… you guessed it, Cliff Dwellings. Unbelievable. 

Our final destination that day was our first Airbnb, the Shash Dine Eco Retreat. This is a working sheep farm on the Navajo reservation. I was so very excited about this stop, but there were lots of particulars about it, once of which being that you cannot arrive later than 6 and they prefer you to come even earlier. My goal had been to get there around 3, check in, then go see Horseshoe Bend, grab some food, and be back with enough daylight to walk around and see a sunset. It didn’t work out quite that way, but pretty close. We got there a little later, checked in, then headed to Horseshoe Bend and dinner. The farm is in the town of Page, Arizona, and is about 12 minutes from Horseshoe Bend. 

Horseshoe Bend was very, very cool, but not necessary to see unless you are already in the area. They now have a paid parking lot ($10 entry and NP pass doesn’t cover it) and a nice set up to walk to the Bend. It IS, however, and LONG WALK down (and an even longer walk back UP). We loved seeing it, but again, it could be skipped unless you’re there anyway. We drove about ten minutes into Page, found a Mexican restaurant with patio dining (most places in Arizona seemed to be open, but we are still trying to stay away from others so we always hoped for outdoor dining), then headed back to the farm.

Shash Dine is the most exceptional Airbnb, but definitely unusual. We chose canvas tent accommodations but several other traditional Navajo dwellings were options (another canvas tent, the mudhouse/anthill looking place, a wooden box home, and two wagons). The “shower” is open, with just wooden walls for privacy. The water is simply buckets of water heated by the sun and a dipper that you use to wash off. The toilets are true outhouses. We didn’t think towels were provided, but they were in our tents. Only two of us used the shower accommodations-- the boys. ;) The tents obviously have no electricity, no outlets, no heat, and no air. They do have a solar light inside and one outside. They provide wool blankets and extra sleeping bags for cold nights, and we used all of that. The girls LOVED playing with the Great Pyraneese and the cat. There were also sheep (obviously) and horses. This experience was my favorite lodging of the whole trip. My only regret is that we weren’t there at least one more night so that we could have used the fire pit, eaten the Navajo breakfast, and enjoyed walks on the farm.

If you are in this area post-covid, Antelope Canyon is here and is apparently the most amazing thing ever. We missed out on it, thanks to Covid. 

Day 3: Utah (Pink Coral Sand Dunes, Zion National Park)

We left before sunrise to head to Pink Coral Sand Dunes State Park  (1.5 hrs, 105 miles) for our ATV/UTV adventure. This drive, too, was a beautiful one! We drove past the Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument and through so many beautiful places. I think I’m a big fan of Arizona’s scenery. 

This excursion was THE BOMB. We seriously loved every single second of it. We used Coral Pink ATV Tours  and they could not have been any better. Emma and Roman were old enough to drive the ATV’s and Kelsey and Angela rode in the back of our UTV. It was a BLAST. We rode for SO LONG to a slot canyon, took a quick hike through it, then headed back to the big dunes. He took us on a such a fun ride through the dunes, then we stopped at the biggest one to try sand-sledding and sand-boarding. The kids adored every second of this activity. I think that, for most of us, this was our top activity on the trip.

We finished there around 11:30 and I had 1:00 (until 2:00) shuttle tickets booked at Zion. My preference was to use the shuttle tickets that day and hike the Narrows and whatever else we had time for, but I did have backup tickets for the next morning at 10 if we didn’t make it. We got there at ten minutes till 1 and started searching desperately for a parking place. After multiple false starts and following so many people to their cars, we FINALLY found one right at the front of the lot! By this time it was 1:25 and we needed to get changed into our Narrows shoes and grab our hiking poles and neoprene socks and water bottles. We made it onto the shuttle (no line at all) by 1:30— perfect timing! 

We stopped at a couple of stops and took short hike/walks, then rode to the Temple of Sinawava stop where the Narrows are located. I had done a lot of research on this and knew that we would need hiking poles and neoprene socks (we did not rent anything, just wore old tennis shoes that we could throw away afterward and that was a great decision). (Right now, the river is filled with a bacteria that they have issued warnings against getting in. We did realize that we were likely safe as long as we had no open wounds and didn’t get any in our mouths, so we took the chance.) I did NOT anticipate the long walk down to the Narrows. We changed into our neoprene socks and old tennis shoes and headed out. It was so cool and I’m so glad we did it. A few of us just went far enough to get a feel for it, then Kraig, Angela, and Kelsey adventured further. When we all finished, we headed up the long journey back to the top where we found the shuttle line (at 5 PM— nowhere NEAR the last shuttle) snaking back through the park. We were probably in line an hour or so, maybe longer. We got back to the car, threw away our old shoes and bagged our socks, then headed out for dinner in Springdale. We ate inside for the first time since March but they were doing every other booth. I would give the name of the restaurant but I 10/10 do NOT recommend. ;) The kids did some souvenir shopping with their money from Granna and Grandad and then it was time to head for our next Airbnb. 

At this point, we made what could have been a fatal mistake. The only way back through the park to Orderville was…. back through the park. On the most dangerous road we drove the whole trip. In the dark. At a time of night when wildlife were likely most active. We just went really slowly and I prayed fervently the whole time.

We arrived at the Zion Ponderosa Ranch Resort  about an hour later and checked in, then found our Conestoga wagon. I think the kids found this to be the greatest lodging we had on the trip, and it was cool. The bathhouses in this resort were top-notch. We took showers and tucked in for the night. 

Day 4: Utah (Bryce Canyon National Park)

The next morning, we didn’t get up terribly early by Cleveland or local time. We enjoyed the provided resort breakfast (so good!) and got to see the resort in the daylight. It was soooo nice and all the kids wished that we had spent a second night here. It’s somewhere I would love to return to one day, for sure. We had planned to return to Zion on this day, but ultimately felt like we would prefer to e-bike Bryce Canyon instead of Zion, so we headed on to Bryce (1.5 hrs, 78 miles).

After a lunch at Subway and a stop for souvenirs, we booked e-bikes from the greatest little company, Bryce Canyon EZ Riders. They were cheaper than most at Zion and, once we figured out how the route worked, we preferred biking Bryce to biking Zion. The bike rental place is a little airport just outside of town. You bike down the greatest little bike path, then go through town, then pick up the shared use path through Bryce Canyon National Park. We actually rode right up to Sunset Point and were dazzled by the sights. We took a rest, took pics, then biked back. We had done the two hour rental (which was just enough time), but a four hour one would also allow you to bike the opposite way to Red Canyon as well.

After our biking, we got the car and went back to Bryce, driving to the very top of the scenic drive since the tops were all on the same side of the road and we could stop at them on our way down. We stopped at several spots, taking pics and looking around, then parked at the Sunset Point parking lot to stay till sunset. At that point, Kraig, Roman, Kelsey, and Angela did the hike down Queen’s Garden/Navajo Loop Trail to Wall Street. It was a tough one, but they were awesome. We waited until we realized sunset was going to be anticlimactic, at which point we headed for the car and left Bryce. We actually caught a beautiful sunset on the way out of town at Red Canyon. 

We stopped for pizza on our way to Panguitch (1 hr, 41.1 mi) at C-Stop Pizza, one of the only places to eat in the area. It was pretty decent, then we drove on to our AirBnb. This one probably isn’t one I would recommend unless you are like us and don’t have a lot of options in the area. I kind of wish we had done two nights at Zion Ponderosa Ranch instead and just had a longer drive, but it is what it is. We were at a guesthouse on something called Lazy Ass Ranch. It was decent, but very outdated, had shag carpet that I worried was dirty, and was in the middle of NOWHERE (and a little creepy). 

Day 5: Nevada (Great Basin National Park)

We woke well before dawn the next morning to start a longish drive (3 hrs, 177 mi) to Great Basin National Park.  This drive took so long and was soooooo boring. In about 2 hours, we literally only saw 4 other cars. No houses. No cities. No cell service. No NOTHING.

We stopped in Baker, Nevada, just outside the park, for gas. The visitor center was closed, we knew, due to covid, but luckily the bathrooms were still open, as was a little shop/cafe. We made that stop first, then headed up the scenic trail to Wheeler Peak. We parked at the top and took our hike, which was gorgeously beautiful, to Stella and Helen Lakes. We had hoped to get in one more, but we were pretty tired when we got back and knew we had a long drive ahead, so we skipped the other. This national park is seldom visited and it is GORGEOUS!!! It was a great addition that I put in last minute to replace King’s Canyon and Sequoyah, which were closed due to wildfires. 

We ate our lunch in the car since we didn’t think there were many options on the road and headed on to California (6 hrs, 368 mi). This drive was a rough and long one. I had mapped a couple of leg-stretching places (the Extra Terrestrial Highway sign and the International Car Forest), so we made those stops (the International Car Forest changed our route a bit and that was a bad decision— I should have left it as it was). but we were a little later getting started and ended up on a terrible road in the dark. I am so thankful Kraig was driving and that he had learned to drive in mountainous WV, because I would not have done well.

We finally arrived in Baker, California where our Airbnb was. We thought about going to a restaurant but it appeared there weren’t many choices at that time of night and we needed to shower and such, so we just drove through the only fast food option, a McDonald’s. That night, we were staying in the Eastside Guesthouse and Bivy. It is a hostel sort of stay, but A. There are six beds in each room and there were six of us and B. They are renting rooms only to people who are traveling together and not to strangers due to Covid, so it worked well for us. This place… I had been a little nervous but OH MY GOODNESS, it was darling. We got checked in and it was as clean as could be and so nice. I was a little worried about our accommodations the following night (a motel in Lone Pine) that was only an hour down the road, so I quickly called to see if the guesthouse had room the next night (they did) and if I could cancel the motel (I could), so I made that change and we settled in for the only night of the whole trip that we were in the same place for two nights. 

Day 6: California (Yosemite National Park)

We took our time leaving the following morning, taking time to stop at Schat’s Bakery and OHMYWORD was it delicious!!! Then we drove to Yosemite (1 hr, 65 mi), coming in the back entrance down Tioga Road. I am so thankful we came in this way because that was actually my favorite part of the park (due to the wildfire smoke, we didn’t get any great views in the other parts). We stopped at Olmsted Point, then headed on to the valley, stopping at El Capitan Meadow and Bridalveil Falls (trailhead closed but we could see it). We made a quick stop in the visitor’s center, then did the Yosemite Falls Trail. We skipped out on a lot of the places we had intended to stop due to the smoke hindering all of the views. (We did, however, SEE A BEAR!!! On our WALK!) On the way out, we stopped in two different meadows and explored. I love that area of the park. Once we got back into Bishop, we went to eat at a roadhouse that was very good and was practicing excellent social distancing, so we didn’t mind eating inside. 

We had an early night, took showers and went to bed before our big drive the following day.

Day 7: California (Manzanar, Death Valley, Joshua Tree)

We left an hour before sunrise since our drive to Manzanar was 1 hour. We arrived at daybreak. It meant so much to me to see this site of the Japanese-American Internment Camps, and it was a stop I am so thankful we made. It was surreal to stand in front of that memorial as the sun came up and think about where we were and how far we have (not???) come since then.

On the way to Death Valley, I had seen a place called Alabama Hills, Movie Flat Road (the backdrop for several famous movies) and Mobius Arch.  I mapped it and realized there was a back way in, so we took a tiny little sand road. We ended up taking a lot of wrong turns, trying to figure out the directions from backward, but we finally found the Mobius Arch trailhead and the beautiful Alabama Hills. I was so glad that we made that stop, it was really pretty and let us do some walking that day.

From there, it was on to Death Valley (1 hr, 54 mi). This is the part of the trip I should have skipped. It’s the part I recommend you skip. See, originally, when King’s Canyon and Sequoyah were open, we were going to go to Bishop, CA, from Bryce Canyon and we were just going to DRIVE THROUGH Death Valley as part of the route before Manzanar. Then after Yosemite, we were coming out on the other side and hitting King’s Canyon and Sequoyah on the way down to Joshua Tree. When the two parks were closed and I add Great Basin, it changed things and I wanted to keep Death Valley. However, instead of a drive THROUGH Death Valley on the way somewhere else, it became a Death Valley in and out loop that was pointless. We ate a snack lunch in the car. We did see Father Crawley’s Overlook where military jets run training missions, which was awesome. We also got out and walked the Mesquite Sand Dunes and Badwater Basin, the lowest point in North America. Then we decided to take the south route out of DV in an effort to be more efficient with our driving. The whole things was a total disappointment and a lot of driving to be disappointed. However, we can all say we have been to DV. 

From Death Valley south exit, we drove a very long way (3 hr, 202 mi) that felt even longer to get to Joshua Tree, CA. Once in Joshua Tree, we checked into our Airbnb just in time for a gorgeous desert sunset. We then went back out and ate at Crossroads Cafe, a place that only offered outdoor dining and takeout.  It was ok, not the greatest, though. Somewhat revived by the food, we went on into Joshua Tree National Park in the dark to catch some views of the Milky Way and stars. That was pretty cool, then back to our Airbnb (which was in a weird place and hard to get to and a somewhat creepy location, but the place itself wasn’t bad) for bed. 

Day 8: Joshua Tree National Park and San Diego

We got up before the sun to go to Joshua Tree National Park (just 15 min from our house). It was a great drive over, saw some wildlife on the way in, and got to our hike just as the sun was coming up. I LOVED Joshua Tree so much! I think other than Zion, it was my very favorite park. There were a few times I worried that we should have done the trip in reverse order (which was how it was originally planned) because it felt anti-climactic to go from the Grand Canyon to Zion to Joshua Tree, but it ended up working out beautifully by that evening. We scrambled over some rocks at JTree, took some walks, made some pictures, and were heading out the East exit by around noon or shortly thereafter. 

The next drive was from Joshua Tree to San Diego (3 hr, 175 mi). This one felt longer than it was, probably because we were all exhausted by that point. We stopped at an In-N-Out Burger on the way and OHMYWORD, so stinking delicious!!!

We got to San Diego a little later than expected. In addition, I had not reserved a kayak tour in advance and by the time I looked, most companies were booked up and only one had one time slot left— 4:20. I hated to do it so late (I had considered a sunset tour earlier but didn’t want to pay extra for it and then decided it would be warmer earlier in the day), but we had no choice. We stopped first at Tuna Park and saw the USS Midway and the soldier kissing the nurse statue. Then we headed to the beach area to find a parking spot (which literally took over 30 min and I didn’t think we were going to find one). We walked around the beach and shops in that district for about an hour, then it was time for our kayak sea caves tour. 

In hindsight, I wish we had driven to La Jolla Cove Children’s Pool instead of Tuna Park because I would have liked to get that iconic photo of the seals from above. However, we didn’t. At time for our kayak tour, we went to the establishment and waited. And waited. And waited. Just when people were starting to get SO upset, they came to get us to take us on the tour. The girl told us that they wouldn’t short us, that we would get the full time, which meant that a normal tour turned into a sunset one. {hearteyes} 

For me, this may have been the high point of the trip, honestly. I have never been in the Pacific Ocean. In fact, none of us had unless you count the Philippine Sea where our kids are from. To have your first dip in the Pacific be done in kayaks, beside the famous seals of La Jolla, at sunset, was almost more than I could bear. It was incredible. We were out in the kayaks for what felt like forever, and we loved every second of it and our guides. We closed out the adventure with watching the last rays of light fade over La Jolla beach and then heading back to the car. We stopped for the girls to get souvenirs, then it was time for dinner and our Airbnb.

Our Airbnb was only about 15 min away, so we found a Denny’s (which Emma thought was the greatest thing she had ever put in her mouth) where we were the only patrons, and went to the house. This Airbnb blew my socks off. We knew we would be crowded here, with only one bed, a sofa sleeper, and an air mattress. However, it was gated, it was plenty big enough, and aside from my mom’s house and my mother-in-law’s houses, it was the cleanest place I have ever been. The sofa sleeper was exceptionally comfortable. It was seriously the perfect end to the trip. 

Day 9: Flight Home

We left the house really early to return our car and catch a flight home. The house was only 16 min from the airport, so it was perfect. The only downside of this day was a five hour layover in Detroit. If I had thought about it, we would have planned something to do in Detroit, but also… Detroit. ;) We got back to the Knoxville airport at 8:45 and my parents brought our car for the drive home! Rolled into our house around 10 PM, exhausted, happy, and with so many memories!

Reflections/Changes:

There really aren’t many things at all that I would change. There WERE a couple of long days for driving (two of them), but in order to see all that we saw, they had to be that way. I would love to have been able to add two more days in order to spread out the driving some (and see more), but it wasn’t possible for this trip.

I wouldn’t necessarily take out Death Valley, but I wish there had been a way to drive THROUGH as we had originally planned instead of going out of our way to see it. And I definitely won’t head back there again.

We had the opportunity (and had planned to) take another half day in Zion, e-biking, but we e-biked Bryce instead. I think that was the best choice for the e-bikes, but Zion is somewhere I want to go back to some day and spend more time in Kolob Canyons and other parts of the park. I think that I want to do a trip that hits Arches and Canyonlands and some Colorado parks, and maybe drop by Zion again on that trip.

I never need to visit Las Vegas again, just like I never need to visit Death Valley again, or really Bryce or Great Basin either. 

We definitely need to return to Yosemite when we can actually SEE, maybe on a trip that includes King’s Canyon and Sequoyah (and maybe the Pacific Hwy to Washington state). I feel like our opinion of Yosemite was deeply affected by the lack of views and that it didn’t get a fair shake at all. 

I am SO THANKFUL that I included Manzanar. Seeing it was very very special to me.

Some of the last minute additions/explorations made for the most fun parts. Always leave enough room for some flexibility.

The Grand Canyon was AMAZING to see— once. I don’t have any desire to return to there and I’m not sure I even care much about seeing the South Rim either.

I want to spend more time in Arizona. It was stunning. I have been before, to 4 Corners, but it’s been a while.

Joshua Tree was such a neat little park. I wouldn’t mind going back there, although I don’t necessarily think I need to have more time to see more.

San Diego was really a cool city and, if ever on the west coast, I would love to return there and spend more time.

The time of year for this trip was IDEAL. It wasn’t too hot anywhere and it wasn’t cold anywhere. We were prepared for all range of temperatures and we didn’t need a lot of what we brought. 

A Promise

 I have a love/hate relationship with the One Little Word of the Year movement. When I first heard about it, I resisted because everyone else was doing it and somehow I am both a pleaser and a contrarian rolled into one. And maybe due to my complicated feelings on it, the first time I associated a word for a year was in 2017 and it happened on December 31, 2017. On the last day of the year, I knew what my word for that year had been: Hold. You can read about that here. In 2018, I knew in the days and weeks leading up to January 1 that my word for that year was One and I knew how it was meant to play out. Here is where I detailed my feelings on it and here is where I reflected at the end of 2018. In 2019, I knew going in what my word would be {Known} and what I expected from it. It actually felt like the exact opposite of that word for a while (reflection here), but I ended up deciding that it was precisely what was intended for me that year.

This year, I started to feel my word crystallize in my spirit several weeks to a month before the end of  2019. And I'll be honest, the word confused me so much. I knew it had to be from the Lord because not only is it not a word I would pick, it absolutely did not fit my life in any way or form. It would have been more appropriate at other times, like maybe the end of 2016, but not now.

My 2020 word is Redeem. When God impressed it on me, I let Him know that it didn't really fit. He didn't really answer. I knew that I didn't have any situations, relationships, expectations, etc, that needed redemption. I wasn't struggling with any addictions or loss of hope that needed to be redeemed. There have been times in my life that it would have been a PERFECT fit and I would have been watching redemptions happen, but 2020? Nah. 

As the first few months of 2020 came, I tried to sort of mold the word, looking for situations where it was applicable and trying to push it into them. It still didn't work. As 2020 rocked on and became... well, what 2020 has become for the entire world... I still didn't get it and I kind of forgot about it, caught up as I was in living a brand new normal and living through a pandemic that shut down my entire life as I knew it. The spring months found me just trying to find my way through life and work from home and trying to be there for my kids as they sorted it out. One kid moved out at the end of April, further contributing to the brand new normal that we all had to find in our day to day. Then summer came, and the pandemic continued, and trips and events were canceled, and school became questionable again for fall, and my word just became an occasional thought. 

I can't and don't want to go into detail in a public forum, but on top of the challenges that everyone in the world was living in 2020 and Covid and all that came with that, there have been some specific challenges in the Davis household in 2020 that have rocked us some and caused not a little bit of angst and fear and anger and grief. In addition to all of that, Kraig and I had what I would say was the biggest fight we have had since we had kids, a blowup that started from a stupid little battle that became a weeklong disturbance and caused a lot of introspection for me. I definitely think that the pressures of being quarantined contributed greatly to that situation, and all is well now, but it was definitely a shock to the system when things have always been so easy and gone so well for us in the past 19 years (we have been married 20, but the first year was not what I would call "easy" or "well", haha!). 

Anyway, today I had a true revelation that I believe was straight from on high. In truth, I wasn't even thinking about my word at all. I was sitting on my bed, folding laundry, and as plain and clear as a voice from the heavens, I heard, "I will redeem it all." I sit here right now, knowing that I am writing this because I want to preserve that moment and that feeling, and yet feeling so frustrated because I know that I cannot convey that moment to anyone else, or even to my future self. 

See, I have always viewed my word of the year as a fit for THAT year. So if my word is "Redeem", then there is some redeeming happening. Nothing about 2020 has felt redemptive. Nothing about the Davis family life in 2020 has felt redemptive. In fact, it has felt a tiny bit like the wheels are coming off and pieces are crumbling all around me. On January 1, 2020, my life and my world and my relationships looked one way. On August 30, 2020, many of them look vastly different. And not for the better. 2020 has not at all been a year of redemption, it's been a year of chaos and confusion and semi-disaster. And I have wondered, as certain situations have fallen to pieces around me, if "Redeem" was a cruel joke since it feels like the exact opposite of what is happening.

But today, on the 30th day of the 8th month of the year of "Redeem", God finally revealed to me that my word is not a reflection of my 2020. Instead, it's a promise of the future in regard to the reality of my 2020. I don't get to live "Redeem" this year. But because of a merciful Jesus who holds tightly to His children, I get to cling to a promise. I get to know that no matter what has been and what may come, He will redeem it all. And I think I can say that it matters more to me to have a word that guarantees a future than a word that reflects the present. A promise, not a reflection. The hope, not the reality. What a blessing He has given to my soul on this 30th day of the 8th month of 2020.

Some Saturday Thoughts...

Easter is my very favorite holiday. It's above Christmas and Valentine's Day and the Fourth of July and my birthday (my next favorites). I love everything about Easter... the time of year, the traditions, the matchy-family pics, and the depth of the reason for the day.

Easter this year is .... quite a lot different. No families will gather, meals will look and feel different, there is fear and dread in the air, a sense of uncertainty, and, at least for us in the south, there is now apparently a very high risk of severe weather and a tornadic outbreak that could rival that of 2011. Just in case the whole global pandemic thing wasn't creating enough fear and uncertainty, I guess... ;)

I wrote a few years ago here about Saturday. And I still absolutely view Saturday in the same way that I did back then, that empty, scary, void "middle" when you question your understanding of what was supposed to happen and how, and you just feel so desperate and heavy.

This year, our church used an app called "EasterNow" (which I highly recommend) and it walked us through the chronology of Holy Week. What I am about to admit is pretty embarrassing, especially for someone who is pretty connected to Jewish studies and has spent a decent amount of time in Israel, but... here it goes:

I had never, until this year, thought about Saturday being Shabbat, or the Sabbath.

It had simply not occurred to me that the day after Jesus was crucified was the day of rest.... the holiest day of the week. I had always just thought of it from my Christian perspective and imagined His resurrection on the Sabbath, on the sunny and beautiful Sunday morning.

In last night's reading, they mentioned the need to get the body off the cross before Shabbat started, and that's when I really started to realize what that meant.

See, Jesus's followers were Jews who had been converted to Christian teaching, but they most certainly still observed many Jewish customs at that time, and Sabbath would absolutely be one of them. I don't know how much you know about Shabbat to Jews, but, um... it looks a lot different than it does to Christians. Our Sunday is often one of the busiest days of our week. Shabbat is... the exact opposite of that.

I remember my first Shabbat in Israel, they warned us to get any food we would need before sundown because nothing would be open. I remember the frantic rush in the market, the energy in the streets before sundown. I also remember thinking that probably they just meant NOT MUCH would be open. I also remember being ridiculously hungry the next day and dining on my Little Debbies and Pringles I brought from the good ol' US of A because not even the little convenience store across the from the hotel was open. NOTHING. I realized I could probably get dinner that night, since sundown ended it, so I asked someone what time the cafe down the street opened. The answer? "When three stars are visible." Um. ok. I waited till the shadows were long and walked down... no dice. Went back to the hotel, then went back when it was was somewhat dusky... nope. Still closed. Third time was the charm, they were open and I got to enjoy the pizza that I ate for dinner NO LESS THAN EVERY NIGHT OF MY MONTH IN ISRAEL EXCEPT ABOUT THREE. ;)

Anyway, all that to say, Shabbat means STOP. FULL STOP. Shabbat elevators in Israel stop on every floor so that no one needs to do the work of pushing a button. No one does anything that could be considered work. Neighborhood synagogues exist so that people can walk to them and not drive. It's a full commitment.

So what does this have to do with my Saturday thoughts? Well, that means that on that dreadful day after Jesus breathed His last, the day before the day, the one where He walked again.... There were no distractions. There was no work. There was no opportunity to step away or look away from their present circumstances. Jesus's followers had no option but to sit in their grief. To dwell in it. To feel it. It surrounded them like the graveclothes surrounded Him, wrapping them in its heavy sense of loss. Grief makes an unwelcome companion, but it was the only companion they likely had on that day as many of them were in hiding, alone and scared. I read in Lysa Terkeurst's book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way tonight and she said, "Where the enemy can isolate, he can influence." Saturday was a day of isolation for the followers of Christ. It was a day they were susceptible to influence by the enemy.

Saturday. A day that I have seen frequently this year being called "Silent Saturday". A day in which the traditions and circumstances required the followers of Jesus to fully feel and sit in their sorrow. I think I have discovered a whole new set of lessons this year from Saturday, and those lessons confront my own desires to distract from the pain and to quickly dig and search for meaning, for the upshot, for the silver lining. Those things are all there, and Sunday will come. But in the Saturday season, the grief is meant to be felt.

For us in the 2020 world right now, it feels a lot like a Saturday season. We want Sunday to come immediately, we keep looking for it, and it will. But the losses, the griefs, the sorrow, the fear, the longing, the uncertainty, the dread of this time.... we can (and should) feel it too. It has a purpose, and sometimes that purpose is simply to exist.

I Love You.

“People say I love you all the time—when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it—you just have to listen for it, my dear.”
John Patrick, The Curious Savage

One of my kids (I’m not going to say which one, and I’m going to use “they” as the pronoun to keep it vague) has only told me that they love me two times. If you told me 3 years ago that I would have a kid who had only told me that they loved me two times, I wouldn’t have said it was possible, nor would I have believed that I would be okay with it. However, here we are. This kid has been in my life for close to three years. This kid is as much my child as the two who lived under my literal heart for 9 months. And yet this kid does not… ever… tell me that they love me. And yet… I’m ok. We are ok. Better than ok, actually. We are happy and mom and child and we love each other. 

Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s trauma, if it’s adoption, if it’s obstinance, if it’s personality, or if it’s just the way this kid thinks things should be. I assumed at first that it was just going to take time. So from June to November, even as their other two siblings offered “I love you’s” like candy, I waited patiently for this one to feel comfortable. I even told myself that I was glad it was taking time, that it would mean more because I would know that they offered it out of true love instead of just because they felt like it was expected. In November, five months after coming home, I heard those words for the first time. And boy was I right that it was like an incredible gift, finally getting to hear them out of their mouth. But it didn’t “break the ice”, so to speak, and open the door for a wave of “I love you’s”. It was just that once, and another time a month or so later, and that was it. In over two years, I haven’t heard this kid tell me that they love me.

The other day, I had helped them with some things related to writing. The next day, this kid of mine said, “I think I am going to marry a teacher. They have really good retirement (HUH???) and they can help our kids so much with things.”

And you know what? That sounded an awful lot to me like, “I love you, Mom.”

In Pursuit of Hearts

Friday before last, I sent a text to one of my kids, asking if he wanted to go see “Dolittle” with me that Saturday. Even though I desperately want to see the movie and I love spending time with him, as I sent it, I winced a little inside. I knew my Saturday morning would be hectic and the last thing I would want to do on Saturday afternoon was get out in the cold (which turned out to also be snow) and go see a movie. What I would REALLY want to do would be snuggle up on the couch under a blanket and read, maybe even snag a nap in my bed. However, we have been slipping lately on making intentional one-on-one time with our kids and I’m determined to do better. And “doing better”, as it turns out, starts with one kid and one plan. So I made one. The kid’s response could actually have gone any way (he’s one of our wild cards), but he responded in the affirmative, so a plan was made.

In the aftermath of the text exchange, it got me thinking about parenting teens. The phrase that kept coming to mind was one that is more frequently used in dating relationships, so it seemed odd, but the more I thought about it, the more it fit. Parenting teens is an exercise in pursuing their hearts.

When my kids were babies, I didn’t have to make it a point to spend time with them. Every feeding, every diaper change, every irritable session necessitated time with me. In addition, have you seen babies??? They are simply adorable and who WOULDN’T want to snuggle those little things and rub those downy little heads?!?! Time together was as natural as breathing.

As they moved into the toddler phase, time together was as much about survival as anything else—theirs and mine. When you have toddlers, letting them out of your sight is just asking for crayon on the walls or an injury or broken household items. Plus, they are hilarious. I would rather spend time with a toddler than maybe any other age person on planet earth. 

Then came the kid years, also not a period of time I had to make it a point of spending time with them because they were ALWAYS THERE and they ALWAYS WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING. ;) And they were old enough to express it. So it was “Mom! Mom! Mom! MOMMY!!!” “Mom, watch this!” “Mommy, look at this!” “Mom, will you play this?” “Mommy, can you do this for me?” all of the time always and forever constantly amen. 

Finally, tween and teen years come. And things change, a lot. Kids become almost completely independent (except when they can’t operate a CAN OPENER—EMMA) and don’t have to ask for you anymore (other than when money is needed). They develop their own pursuits and have relationships and communications outside of the family. They often prefer to spend time alone (as alone as you can be with a phone or a television). I know that all kids are different and personality factors into this, but it’s also a pretty natural part of tween and teen life to somewhat isolate from the family or at least turn outside the family for more of their interactions. There are a couple of my kids who, if given the choice, would stay in their rooms on their phones or watching tv all day every day (although they are not given that choice because they can’t have phones in their rooms and they don’t have tvs in their rooms). If I get complacent and lazy, I can go an entire day at home when we are off school and never see a couple of my kids. 

It takes intention, it takes effort, and it takes energy. And the more kids you have, the more of all of that it takes. We have to pursue their hearts in this time when their hearts are being pursued by so much outside of our families. The world is screaming at them all the time through social media, peers, movies, and music. There are so many lures in this life, so many tracks into their minds and spirits and souls if we don’t help them guard against them. And honestly, the only way to help them guard against them is to spend our time pouring into them. We are the vehicles in the flesh that the Lord uses to pursue them, and if we don’t, you can be certain that the enemy is actively pursuing them as well. 

Thinking about all of this feels exhausting to me, which brings me to the next thing I realized on that Friday when I was thinking forward about my Saturday afternoon at the movies… I am at a time in my life where I am the most weary, the most introverted, and the most in need of downtime in my house. And I don’t think I’m an anomaly, I think most people in their 40’s with kids would agree to feeling the same way. So why, at the age when we want more than before to withdraw, are most of us in the parenting phase that requires us to actively pursue more than ever? I decided on Friday that, while all of parenting is an act of unselfishness, this is kind of our final exam phase on unselfishness. It’s the end of the years with kids in our home, our final opportunity to glean the lessons that God wants to teach us during a time when these lessons are so readily available and easily accessible.

I think it also serves as a brilliant reminder of the ways the Lord pursues our hearts, and how hard we make Him work for it at times, when all He has ever wanted to do is love us with the “unforced rhythms of grace” (The Message, Matthew 11:28-30):

^28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”