A Promise

 I have a love/hate relationship with the One Little Word of the Year movement. When I first heard about it, I resisted because everyone else was doing it and somehow I am both a pleaser and a contrarian rolled into one. And maybe due to my complicated feelings on it, the first time I associated a word for a year was in 2017 and it happened on December 31, 2017. On the last day of the year, I knew what my word for that year had been: Hold. You can read about that here. In 2018, I knew in the days and weeks leading up to January 1 that my word for that year was One and I knew how it was meant to play out. Here is where I detailed my feelings on it and here is where I reflected at the end of 2018. In 2019, I knew going in what my word would be {Known} and what I expected from it. It actually felt like the exact opposite of that word for a while (reflection here), but I ended up deciding that it was precisely what was intended for me that year.

This year, I started to feel my word crystallize in my spirit several weeks to a month before the end of  2019. And I'll be honest, the word confused me so much. I knew it had to be from the Lord because not only is it not a word I would pick, it absolutely did not fit my life in any way or form. It would have been more appropriate at other times, like maybe the end of 2016, but not now.

My 2020 word is Redeem. When God impressed it on me, I let Him know that it didn't really fit. He didn't really answer. I knew that I didn't have any situations, relationships, expectations, etc, that needed redemption. I wasn't struggling with any addictions or loss of hope that needed to be redeemed. There have been times in my life that it would have been a PERFECT fit and I would have been watching redemptions happen, but 2020? Nah. 

As the first few months of 2020 came, I tried to sort of mold the word, looking for situations where it was applicable and trying to push it into them. It still didn't work. As 2020 rocked on and became... well, what 2020 has become for the entire world... I still didn't get it and I kind of forgot about it, caught up as I was in living a brand new normal and living through a pandemic that shut down my entire life as I knew it. The spring months found me just trying to find my way through life and work from home and trying to be there for my kids as they sorted it out. One kid moved out at the end of April, further contributing to the brand new normal that we all had to find in our day to day. Then summer came, and the pandemic continued, and trips and events were canceled, and school became questionable again for fall, and my word just became an occasional thought. 

I can't and don't want to go into detail in a public forum, but on top of the challenges that everyone in the world was living in 2020 and Covid and all that came with that, there have been some specific challenges in the Davis household in 2020 that have rocked us some and caused not a little bit of angst and fear and anger and grief. In addition to all of that, Kraig and I had what I would say was the biggest fight we have had since we had kids, a blowup that started from a stupid little battle that became a weeklong disturbance and caused a lot of introspection for me. I definitely think that the pressures of being quarantined contributed greatly to that situation, and all is well now, but it was definitely a shock to the system when things have always been so easy and gone so well for us in the past 19 years (we have been married 20, but the first year was not what I would call "easy" or "well", haha!). 

Anyway, today I had a true revelation that I believe was straight from on high. In truth, I wasn't even thinking about my word at all. I was sitting on my bed, folding laundry, and as plain and clear as a voice from the heavens, I heard, "I will redeem it all." I sit here right now, knowing that I am writing this because I want to preserve that moment and that feeling, and yet feeling so frustrated because I know that I cannot convey that moment to anyone else, or even to my future self. 

See, I have always viewed my word of the year as a fit for THAT year. So if my word is "Redeem", then there is some redeeming happening. Nothing about 2020 has felt redemptive. Nothing about the Davis family life in 2020 has felt redemptive. In fact, it has felt a tiny bit like the wheels are coming off and pieces are crumbling all around me. On January 1, 2020, my life and my world and my relationships looked one way. On August 30, 2020, many of them look vastly different. And not for the better. 2020 has not at all been a year of redemption, it's been a year of chaos and confusion and semi-disaster. And I have wondered, as certain situations have fallen to pieces around me, if "Redeem" was a cruel joke since it feels like the exact opposite of what is happening.

But today, on the 30th day of the 8th month of the year of "Redeem", God finally revealed to me that my word is not a reflection of my 2020. Instead, it's a promise of the future in regard to the reality of my 2020. I don't get to live "Redeem" this year. But because of a merciful Jesus who holds tightly to His children, I get to cling to a promise. I get to know that no matter what has been and what may come, He will redeem it all. And I think I can say that it matters more to me to have a word that guarantees a future than a word that reflects the present. A promise, not a reflection. The hope, not the reality. What a blessing He has given to my soul on this 30th day of the 8th month of 2020.