Abide.

 I guess since I wrote my December 31 post on January 15, I might as well also write my January 1 post on January 15. :)

abide: verb

1. to wait;

2. to pause;

3. to watch;

4. to stay;

5. to continue in a place;

6. to continue without fading or being lost;

7. to remain stable or fixed in some state or condition;

8. to be left;

9. to stand up under;

10. to await submissively

I think it was late October, maybe November, when I felt the Lord give me my 2023 word. And here's the truth: I did not want this one.

I was hoping for "adventure", or "bloom", or "flourish". I'm waiting for "sunshine" and "fun", but so far I haven't gotten those. :) I like to GO, I don't want to ABIDE. I want to DO, not ABIDE. Abide is BORING.

Or maybe "abide" is terrifying. When I started to know very clearly that my word was "abide", the fear started to set it. What if my word is "abide" because I'm going to get a terminal diagnosis this year and He wants me to learn to rest in it? What if it's "abide" because some tragedy is going to befall my family and He wants to teach me to trust? What if any number of awful things???

And then the reason I need this word was made perfectly clear: Worry and anxiety are direct results of an inability to abide. As long as I am abiding in Him, I am trusting His hand and His path. It's when I stop abiding and start trying to handle it myself that the anxiety and fear set in. 

I also just wrote in my 2022 reflection that I did not do a good job in a daily commitment to His disciplines this past year, and I want to do better this year. I want to abide in His word and His voice. My pastor said on the first Sunday of the new year that we are terrible at waiting on the Lord in silence, we try to fill the space with talking, and that's surely me. To learn to abide means to learn to wait, to listen.

In addition, I'm a mom who is going to wake up to a relatively empty house in a few short months. Emma will get a place with a 12 month lease, so the home visits will change and become less frequent. The last two will graduate and go away to college. The middle, while back in the house this semester living at home while going to Lee, may decide to move back on campus or somewhere else. After living in a household of 7 people as recently as March of 2020, the whole "to be left" part is pretty obvious. And within that, the "continue to be without fading or being lost" seems very relevant too because I will be the first to say that a lot of my identity is tied up in momming the kids in my house.

My goals for this year are the same as every year for about the past 4... I just want to continue to refine the habits I have already started. And in it, I want to learn to abide.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." ~Psalms 91:1-2

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you." ~John 15:16