Me? Vulnerable? Apparently after 1 AM

I'm struggling. I'm just going to be really transparent here tonight. (That happens when you write after 1 AM...) I wrote a few months ago about the Saturday of Resurrection week and I am living it right now. Abraham and Sarah, the Israelites and the Promised Land, the disciples and His Resurrection... Promises made by God to His people but answers delayed.

I'm not the best at waiting, I'll admit that upfront. But the two things that compound the waiting that really get me are the doubts/fears and the ... man I wish there was a better, cleaner, prettier way to say this but there really isn't... the jealousy. 

While we wait for His promises to be fulfilled, those doubts creep in and those fears pitch tents. There is a scene in Macbeth in which he refers to his mind as being full of scorpions. That is one of my favorite lines in all of literature because I can relate to it SO WELL. I always stop and explain that line, take them with me into the visual imagery (they love the journey every bit as much as you might imagine, haha!)... Shakespeare could have chosen to use anything there, but he chose scorpions. As creepy as it is, imagine for a minute a vat of scorpions... would they be hanging out, still and serene? No. They would be a writhing mass, probably a little noisy as their hard little bodies clicked against each other.... constant stinging... The human mind is like that. Those doubts and fears writhe around, stinging and clanging against each other. There isn't any salve for it... no antidote to the poison. It's the doubts and fears that make the waiting so difficult.

Then... that, as Emma calls it, "green monster sitting on your shoulder". I remember a time just before Kraig and I got engaged when it seemed that everystinkingwhere I turned, someone was getting or giving a ring. On television, at church, in restaurants, in my classes at UTC. Now I sincerely doubt that an abnormally large number of people were getting engaged, but it felt that way to me. That green monster causes everything to seem exaggerated. The other thing jealousy does (I HATE that word) is that it sucks the joy out of relationships and life. It's so hard to wait on your dream when it seems like the dreams of everyone around you are being fulfilled. It's like a giant Disney movie all around and you've somehow been given the wrong part. But if you let it color the way you view other people (and yourself), it can ruin some pretty special things. 

I know I have to trust. I know He doesn't make promises He doesn't keep, and I know that His timing isn't mine. But my goodness, it's so hard right now. Hard to still the scorpions and shake the green monster and hold on. 

Tonight I keep seeing this little word dance around in my head:

eventually

It looks just like that, too. Lower case and italicized. The problem is, I'm not good at "eventually". I want "right now". "Just like everyone else."