The One that Never Leaves

I live with the best of intentions. Truly. I'm going to keep my house straight, wear my seatbelt, go to bed earlier, start riding my bike, blog regularly. Then it's like I look up and there are dirty clothes piled in my bathroom instead of in the hamper, my seat belt warning bell dings nonstop, it's 1:42 AM and I am just starting my first blog post in a month and I haven't even sat on my bike since early June.

It is this knowledge of myself that contributed to the fact that this summer, for the first in a while, I didn't set a lot of goals for myself. I knew we would be gone a lot and that my Cambodia trip would take a large portion of my summer. My primary goals were to clean my refrigerator and press n seal the shelves (it's about time Pinterest gave me something that WORKED-- I'm still smarting from the HOURS I spent on salt dough starfish that broke after NINE DAYS OF DRYING) and to just drink in the time with my little four and a few other family members.

Well, as of last night, the refrigerator is complete (cleaned the microwave too-- BONUS!) and I am milking the next few days of all of the family I can get. I don't think I consciously took time off from friendships this summer, but it's the way it happened and it feels right. I just needed at home and vacation time to center on my family people.

We've been swimming almost daily with cousins and Granna and Natalie, made homemade ice cream four times, blackberry picked,  thrifted with Granna and Natalie, beach vacationed with our Davis peeps, crafted, counted baby cows, done the eating and swimming and skiing and boating that is Bear Paw with our Silver clan, almost finished reading my favorite childhood book aloud (one chapter per night), and now the girls will spend a week at the camper with Nana, Popaw, and Kaleb. Time has been cherished but has still felt like it slipped through our hands like the sand at the beach.

I don't know what's ahead. I know from the unfortunate stories I hear nearly every day of scary diagnoses or frightening phone calls or tragic accidents that life can change in a split second. I know that my summer time with those I love most is drawing to a quick close, with only four days left until my trip. And I know that we will never regret having spent this summer focused on those who will be there no matter how or where it all ends, because your family is the one that never leaves.

Mayfield Wins.

I know everyone thinks their school is wonderful. And maybe they all are. But I am telling you, my kids go to a school that is just ... beyond incredible. You see, schools are the people in them. From the administration to the teachers to the custodial staff to the students, a school is only as great as its humans. And I can tell you that Mayfield Elementary is made up of people who love people.

There are so many examples I could give from our five years at Mayfield so far, but the most recent involve this upcoming trip to Cambodia. When I wrote my support letter, I knew I would send it to family and a few friends. I would never have sent it to employees of my kids' school. However, I have received specific donations from people at Mayfield toward my trip. In addition, this weekend at the yard sale, at least 7 Mayfield people came by to either shop or "pay" $20 for a cup of lemonade from Emma and Kelsey.

I cannot begin to tell you the blessing of having your children in a school of adults who love them and care for them but, even more than that, who even love and care for YOU, the PARENT! Education gets such a bad rap in America today. It sometimes feels like we are fighting against lawmakers, rumors, tests, society, and even each other at times. But you know what? Education is not any of the things you read in the paper or hear the lawmakers fighting over. Because TRUE education is about making people, not robots. And as long as you have school personnel like these who are shaping those little people, it's a win.

We love you, Mayfield. You are the good guys.

Oh, Today...

Today I...

had a most amazing morning spent in worship of my King,

delivered four seat belt pillows, planned the delivery of three more, and got orders for eight (!) more and possibly another order,

had an icky lunch at Zaxby's with my special family,

realized I was missing a $1350 check so subsequently took the house apart twice and cried and prayed to find it (never did),

took an almost four hour nap (it seems I was in great need of some sleep),

fed my kids popcorn for supper,

let my ten year old paint my toenails,

read another chapter of our summer book, a book I LOVED as a child (written in the 70's),

packed my *light beach reads* (one social justice book and two on genocide, one of which is about the Cambodian church's triumph through the genocide there),

packed the car for our surprise trip to the beach tomorrow to meet my sister-in-law and her boys who are the age of Emma and Kelsey, and my mother-in-law (just the girls and me),

hoped I have everything I need for the week.

It's been a full day that promises to begin a full week. I'm feeling very blessed to be in this life.

Me? Vulnerable? Apparently after 1 AM

I'm struggling. I'm just going to be really transparent here tonight. (That happens when you write after 1 AM...) I wrote a few months ago about the Saturday of Resurrection week and I am living it right now. Abraham and Sarah, the Israelites and the Promised Land, the disciples and His Resurrection... Promises made by God to His people but answers delayed.

I'm not the best at waiting, I'll admit that upfront. But the two things that compound the waiting that really get me are the doubts/fears and the ... man I wish there was a better, cleaner, prettier way to say this but there really isn't... the jealousy. 

While we wait for His promises to be fulfilled, those doubts creep in and those fears pitch tents. There is a scene in Macbeth in which he refers to his mind as being full of scorpions. That is one of my favorite lines in all of literature because I can relate to it SO WELL. I always stop and explain that line, take them with me into the visual imagery (they love the journey every bit as much as you might imagine, haha!)... Shakespeare could have chosen to use anything there, but he chose scorpions. As creepy as it is, imagine for a minute a vat of scorpions... would they be hanging out, still and serene? No. They would be a writhing mass, probably a little noisy as their hard little bodies clicked against each other.... constant stinging... The human mind is like that. Those doubts and fears writhe around, stinging and clanging against each other. There isn't any salve for it... no antidote to the poison. It's the doubts and fears that make the waiting so difficult.

Then... that, as Emma calls it, "green monster sitting on your shoulder". I remember a time just before Kraig and I got engaged when it seemed that everystinkingwhere I turned, someone was getting or giving a ring. On television, at church, in restaurants, in my classes at UTC. Now I sincerely doubt that an abnormally large number of people were getting engaged, but it felt that way to me. That green monster causes everything to seem exaggerated. The other thing jealousy does (I HATE that word) is that it sucks the joy out of relationships and life. It's so hard to wait on your dream when it seems like the dreams of everyone around you are being fulfilled. It's like a giant Disney movie all around and you've somehow been given the wrong part. But if you let it color the way you view other people (and yourself), it can ruin some pretty special things. 

I know I have to trust. I know He doesn't make promises He doesn't keep, and I know that His timing isn't mine. But my goodness, it's so hard right now. Hard to still the scorpions and shake the green monster and hold on. 

Tonight I keep seeing this little word dance around in my head:

eventually

It looks just like that, too. Lower case and italicized. The problem is, I'm not good at "eventually". I want "right now". "Just like everyone else." 

That Time God Used a 4 Year Old to Make a Point

We had RFKC last week. I am still deconstructing it a bit in my head, so I'm not ready yet for a blog post on it but I will say it was absolutely the best and EASIEST year we have ever had (year 15!) and just a year that we felt the Lord's hand and presence so heavily. It was a beautiful week for all of us. 

Our summer so far has consisted of the week before camp (cleaning and packing), the week of camp (tennis clinic for the girls), and this week (volleyball camp for the girls, bathroom cabinet organization/laundry/basement work for me, back to work for Kraig) with a bit of swimming. Summer is going by SO quickly.

I did have a moment yesterday, though. A friend of ours came to swim and brought her newly turned four year old. As she was first getting into the water, she would cling tightly to her mom, then would say, "I can do it myself, let go of me." Her (patient) mom would let her go, only for her to paddle a few strokes, then quickly panic a bit and say, "Get me! I want to hold you!" Mom would get her again and in a few seconds, "I can swim! Let me do it myself." This cycle repeated over and over and over until she did finally become comfortable in the water. 

I saw so much of myself in her actions. That is totally me, all the time with God. I will have my hand in His, clinging tightly to Him, safe in His arms, then the next minute I am shoving Him away, explaining that I can do it myself. It doesn't take long, though, until I realize I need guidance or a bailout or help and I am grabbing hold of Him again, crying, "Get me! I want to hold you!" 

Back and forth. Back and forth. 

Again and again. 

Grab and push. Grab and push. 

I wonder if I make Him tired? If I do, He is still as patient as can be with me, just like Shelby's mom was with her. Those Hands are always there, open and reaching for me whenever I'm ready to let Him take control again. 

See, there's one particular topic that I just can't let Him carry me through. I have some good days and weeks and even months, then something will click in my brain and I'm frantically paddling on my own again, refusing to allow Him to help until I have to desperately scream for Him again. I had been splashing around for several days, insisting that I can "do it myself"(even when my fragile heart and my panicky brain were saying otherwise) when, on Tuesday morning, I had a God-moment in Target. He sent along the perfect person to give me the exact message I needed at the exact moment I was started to go under. Through this other person, He gently reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 and slid His hands into mine, calming my frenzied battle with the water. It was actually the afternoon of that day when I watched my own resistance to His guidance play out in the swimming pool at my mom's house with a sweet curly-haired blond girl named Shelby. 

The difference is that Shelby's barely four. And new at swimming. I'm thirty-five and should have this thing licked. Thankfully, His Hands stay close, ready to pick me up again at a moment's notice. 

Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; 

neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear...

Isaiah 59:1 

She Shines Her King

I saw a little saying on Pinterest over a year ago that arrested me:

"Don't be so busy trying to raise a good kid that you forget you already have one."

Um, YES. I'm sure every parent worries and struggles equally, but as a perfectionist myself, I have noticed that parenting is maybe not the easiest journey for those of us who are type A personalities with maybe just a tad bit of a control issue. I am very much a "I would rather do it myself so that it will either be right or I can only blame myself if it's wrong" kind of gal. I expect a lot out of myself and I expect a lot out of those around me. I am very hung up on the way things look to other people and I am not fond of mistakes. (I am also not proud of any of this. However, it's who I am and I have learned to compensate for these things somewhat so that people actually like me.)

See, sometimes my kids say things that make me cringe. I'm pretty sensitive to fair treatment of people and social justice and the power of words... I spend half of my school year teaching the lessons of the Holocaust to an entire elective class. It's a job hazard, I guess. The other day, one of my girls started a statement with, "Not to be racist, but..." I had to stop her and explain that pretty much ten times out of ten, if you start a statement with those words-- it IS going to be racist and you need to rethink. I heard one of mine say to the other yesterday, "That's a stereotype for you to say that." We fall down, we get up. I try to model and teach and correct and explain and pray that they will be empathetic people. The problem is that empathy can't be taught.

But then sometimes, there are those moments .... those beautiful moments when you see it... you see the person they are going to be... you get to taste the fruit of the little lessons and the hard talks and the bitter tears and the prayers... because you see what had been a glimmer of that empathy become a shining cascade.

I had that moment with Emma recently. We were discussing her tenth birthday and I really wanted to make it big and meaningful for her. We are party people, but we wanted this one to be even better. We got around to presents and I mentioned that sometimes you just get lots of stuff at parties that you don't really need... more stuff to have to put somewhere (we are doing Jen Hatmaker's Seven experiment, so this was a timely conversation). I knew what I wanted to suggest but wanted to be very careful that she didn't feel like it was something I pushed her into doing. I mentioned that she might want to have people do something in lieu of gifts for her, maybe something connected to RFKC since her party theme was Camp X. She immediately agreed and suggested presents for the kids, so we settled on beach towels since we buy them for the campers every year. Now, lest you think the halo dazzled us all from her head at every turn, she did have a few moments in the interim when she reconsidered this, but by then it was too late because the invitations had gone out. Even still, she was excited about doing it for the kids. On party day, I wondered what the whole "nothing to open" part would look like and how she would take it. I needn't have worried. Presents would have just distracted from the good time! :) I asked her the other day, as we bagged up the towels to send to camp, if she missed having presents or felt like she lost out at all. She answered confidently with, "Not a bit."

See, she gets it. She cares. It got through to her. This kid of mine-- she's awesome. She loves people and she loves her God and she has picked up in her ten years on this earth that we aren't here for ourselves-- we're here to serve. I am so proud of her and her decision to forego her gifts this year to provide beach towels to kids, many of whom will bring their few belongings in trash bags to camp.

"Children of God shine like stars." ~Philippians 2:15

Slingshots and Flying Birds, Taunting Pigs... That's MY God.

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a month. It's not that there haven't been things to say... there have been things a'plenty to say. Part of my resistance is that I know that there is a period of time in May in which I come across as desperate for counseling and/or chemical intervention, and I do purposely try not to write during that time, lest anyone think I am emotionally unfit for normal life. I do have one thing in particular to say of that time and I intend to do a separate post on that topic. For now, I just need to ease back in a little, sort of prime the pump for the blogging I want to do next week of Royal Family Kids' Camp.

I probably need to set a word limit for myself because there is a lot piling up inside me. I am teaching that Seven Bible Study at church and this week is Media Week. What does that mean, you ask (all two of you who read this blog)? Well, each week contains a different focus for a fast. So far, we have done food, clothing, and possessions. This week is media, and you can do as much or as little as you feel led. The limitations I have set for myself (and let me tell you, today has TRIED AND TESTED THEM) are essentially silent screens with a few exceptions... No fb, twitter, or ig unless it is necessarily and related to Royal Family (had to put up a status tonight asking for some things and intend to post pics from camp), no Pinterest except what I had to do for the camp birthday party and our Cambodia planning meeting today, no Internet surfing (confession: I broke and read Jen Hatmaker's post about the end of school-- I read it twice. Once in my head and once aloud to Kraig. I love it. And her. It was perfection.), no tv or movies, and no texting or email other than necessary (I am trying to forget that I apparently deemed "necessary" texts today to tell Tina that we watched a comedy DVD last night and to share a hilarious comment Emma made about him to Pastor Lance). I have neglected this blog so miserably this past month that I purposely left it "on" for myself this week in the hopes that it would drive me back here. I also intend to blog camp, so this site is exempt from my experiment.

I would like to point out that you have the wittiest, most insightful, most moving things to share with the world when you are restraining from the (social media) world and the absolute best screenshot of a (necessary) text I have ever taken happened today and I couldn't even ig it. Y'all, I have a problem. I am addicted to connections on social media.

The upshot? I was present today, all day. I talked to cashiers in sundry stores and other patrons of McDonald's, I sat through a meeting without checking my phone, my driving was safer than it has been since I got my iPhone, I enjoyed meaningful conversations at supper with my girls and tonight with my husband. After supper, the girls and I enjoyed ice cream cones outside and I watched the sun set while they played. Then we came in and played a good old-fashioned game of Sorry, at which Emma whipped Kelsey and me. I also got an insane amount of work done tonight. The girls are participating as well and I think the most marked difference in just the one day is in their attitudes and how they treated each other (and how Emma treated me). They got along beautifully, making up games and being so good to each other. We decided today that we are going to maintain a modified version of this week for the summer (note: very modified for mommy). ;)

A cool thing happened today, too. A little background, we are doing an Angry Bird theme for the birthday party at camp this year. Kraig and another guy have created a life-size Angry Bird game, complete with 300 lb pole bases, a truck cargo net/bungee slingshot, giant boxes and green lantern pigs, and exercise ball birds with half a Nerf football for the beaks. I'm making birdseed cone snacks and tonight Emma, Kelsey, and I drew a face on 70 red cups. I am working on a backdrop and table decoration set up as well.

Back to today and our cool thing-- we had our Cambodia meeting (which really deserves its own post-- oh my word-- I can't express how excited I am about this trip and how ridiculously amazing it's going to be) today and, in the process of discussing crafts and games and such, Jake said (and mind you, nothing had been mentioned about Royal Family or the game), "I don't know if yall could work it in, but I'll tell you what they are obsessed with for some reason... Angry Birds." We all just sort of looked at each other. Lance said, "Well.... we have actually made a life-size game for the camp we are doing this week... wonder if it would be transportable?" Jake said they would love that. WHAT ARE EVEN THE ODDS??? Seriously??? Kids halfway around the world happen to not only know about, but are obsessed with the very game (out of ALLLLL the rages and games and so on) that we are using for Royal Family??? Do you know what that tells me? I serve a God who cares enough about his babies that he ordained the construction of a game with giant birds that fly through the air in an assault on green pigs.... for such a time as this. I reiterated one of Jen Hatmaker's points last night in my Seven class that it's really easy to become overwhelmed when you look at this world around us and feel like you can't possibly do enough to affect it. She pointed out that one simple bag of clothes that you donate to a foster child is doing something... a couch to a family whose house burned down... books to soldiers far from home... an alarm clock to a struggling, poverty-stricken teenager who needs to finish her senior year... It doesn't take a ton of money or a giant act. All it takes is an ear and an eye and a heart. How utterly insane that my God of the details planted it in Kraig's mind to make this game, knowing all along that it was not only going to bring birthday party joy to almost 60 foster kids, but that it was also going to fly 21 hours away to bring joy to 400 children in orphanages in Cambodia???

Slingshots and flying birds, taunting pigs... that's MY God.