I am Undone

I am undone. 

I knew it would be hard, I knew all that it would entail, I knew what this commitment meant. 

And it's still so much more than all that. 

I've started to question why this motivation, even this fascination, for me to dedicate myself to this study. As hard as this has been, instead of being driven away, I find myself even more drawn in. I am considering paths of action and study I have never dreamed of before now. 

For the first time, here in Israel, I (not me personally, but two other of our group members) have been faced with, at the very least a deep curiosity, at the most an almost hostility toward non-Jews dedicating themselves to this study. It's been a complete shock to me. I often encounter the question in the US, "How did you get interested in the Holocaust?" and more often and usually from students, "Do you have any Jewish background?" I think that was part of the appeal when I was on the "LIVE!" show and the reason strangers contacted me, Ephraim called from Israel to invite me to this conference, and one lady saw fit to send me her grandmother's Yellow Star... It is somewhat unusual for a non-Jewish person in rural southeast Tennessee, an area with little to no Jewish population, to have such a deep connection to the Holocaust. But the responses I typically get are of interest and, in the cases of survivors and the family members of survivors from the show, gratitude. 

So I've started to ask myself... Why? It's a question I've answered pedagogically for myself many times as I write rationale for my class curriculum, applications for grants and seminars and fellowships... But PERSONALLY... WHY? Why am I almost inextricably linked to this topic? 

I don't know that I have a full answer, but I know at least part of it is that it feels intrinsic to me as a Christian. 
Last night, my roommate and I discussed the day's topic of resistance. I told her Solomon Perel's story from "Europa! Europa!" and the way it was received in the survivor community. Some people applauded him for the ways in which he survived (including being in a Hitler Youth school) while others were disgusted by him and felt that he betrayed them, his faith, and his God. In this context, I have always been impressed by this quick-thinking young man who survived against all odds (and was kind of an adorable scamp, too!). But last night, I took his story out of context and applied it to my own beliefs. If ever faced with the question "Are you a Christian?", I hope that my response, no matter the end result, would be yes. I also hope that my answer in regard to my neighbors and rescue and resistance at the time of the Holocaust would have been yes. Of course, this brings up the question of is my answer "yes" today in regard to my neighbors and rescue and resistance? In that respect, I see the study of the Holocaust for me as a constant reminder and challenge to me to live out my faith. I don't always measure up, in fact, sometimes I'm afraid I'm a miserable failure. But it's not long before an Anne Frank's attic or a Gerda Klien's liberator or a Charlotte Salomon's host or a Janusz Korczak reminds me of my responsibility. 

Secondly, it feels intrinsic to me as a parent. 
Although both of my girls thus far have stoutly resisted any effort to expose them to age-appropriate Holocaust Literature, they still know. They know what I do, they know what I study, and they know why I'm here. They know that the same mom who has doggedly guarded her summers for the 12 years of parenthood, has refused any sort of work-related activity during the short two months that I consider THEIRS, is now gone for the entire final three and a half weeks of summer. And they both told me, in their own ways and individually, that they were proud of me and they understood and supported this choice. I believe they support and understand this choice because, regardless of any exposure to the literature or very much to the history other than our brief Yad Vashem visit in October, they get it. They know enough to know that it matters that we continue to learn and study and keep the memories alive. And I have to pass the life lessons of the Holocaust on to my kids... I have to show them that how we treat the weak, the defenseless, the innocent, the outsider, the "other"-- ALL OF THOSE define our humanity, our society, and our faith. We have to get this right. To quote a title of a Southern Lit short story, because "the life we save might be our own".

Finally, it feels intrinsic to me as a teacher. 
Most of this explanation can be repeated exactly from the above commentary, largely due to the fact that I feel much the same obligation to my students that I do to my daughters. We grappled with the question for part of today of why study the Holocaust (in school)? It feels like an obvious answer to me. We study it to preserve the story and to learn from it. The follow up question might be why the Holocaust and not a more recent genocide... My answer to that is two-part: In my class, we DO study other genocides. In fact, this past year due to interest from the class, I spent an entire week on other genocides instead of the day or two I normally devote. But as to why a semester class called Holocaust Literature, Germany remains the culture and country most similar to our own in terms of modern genocide. We have a mindset sometimes of "that can't happen here, not to us" and the study of the Holocaust illustrates that it can and it has, or at least to a country very similar in regard to socio-economics, education, culture, religion, etc.. But aside from the extreme, the warning against genocide, I think as a teacher my job is to do my best to promote civic living, humanitarian service, and informed leading. I am taking a role in the production of the future (and current) members of our society. I have to equip them the best way I know how to be empathetic members of a community. And Holocaust study is, to me, the best way I know how. 

I'm behind on my blogging and have several days to catch up on, but this lunch break response had to come out just now, so the rest will be a little out of order but that's ok. It's time to start back now for a panel discussion of four survivors sharing testimony with us.